Some kind of Wonderful

 

So we just got back from our trip to Colorado on Sunday. Its amazing how excited that we are leaving early in the morning ready to be there. It is a great drive, remembering different landmarks, counting the hours until we get there. Oh, how coming home it’s a different story it’s the longest ride. I cry 90 % of the time, because I leave part of my heart there. I cry as we cross state lines, I cry as the mountains fall out of view. I cry because each mile the people that I love the most are getting further and further away. Because I love those people more than I love almost anything. There, is just away from here where so much has happened. It is peaceful and kind and loving and I feel good things. I am safe and taken care of my heart is heard. My heart feels so full and safe in their company and I can just be…I can just be. We were going to leave early the next Saturday then Amy sent a text and said that she had to work all week and that James was leaving early Friday and did I want to leave Sunday so we could do something her and me and the kids on Saturday. What, I was being asked to stay an extra day! Who me??? YEA, that would be awesome. I told you I love these people. Even in my craziness, they love me. I have said it before and will say it again, I do not know why or how come they love me but they do and I am forever blessed.

A part of me does not want to be writing this. If I am writing this that means that, I am back in Texas. Leaving Colorado is always something that I dread no it's more than that; it's a feeling I don't even have words for . My heart has been fragile and worried lately. I almost did not go. How crazy is that !!!! I didn't want to be a bother and a pest; I didn't want to feel the sadness when the time would come to leave. There were millions of excuses in my head, I was scared because there I knew that I was going to be loved and I was going to feel all the things that I don't allow myself to feel here. This trip was perfect timing because I needed these people, maybe more than ever before . I have been back from DC a few weeks and I needed a break, my heart needed to be loved. So I threw every excuse out the window, I knew that if I did not go, I would have said that I wished I did. So early Friday morning July 10, we were on the road by 4 am, later than I wanted but we were on our way. The trip there is always fun, we make sandwiches for in the car and eat Pringles. We listen to lots of music; I get to choose since I am the one driving. We listen to a little of everything, Blue, October, fall Out Boy, Billy Joel, Phil Collins, Simon Collins, Bastille, Mumford and Sons, Jason Gray even a little Michael Bolton, I know I know but I love it all!! I sing to all the songs and drive my children crazy. I was a little grouchy in the car to be fair to my children. They were just being annoying and I was a little on edge, my heart was in worried mode, for everything and nothing all at the same time. I just wanted to be there.

We stopped at the old favorite rest stop that has Beware of Snakes signs around every corner, and it makes us laugh. By the way, we have yet to see a snake, maybe we just have to visit more often?!? I don't know but we have made this stop a tradition whether we need it or not. We take in the scenery it starts getting less flat and a little more hilly. Inside I am glowing when we stop here I know that in 8 hours we will be in Colorado. And we keep driving, and driving and driving. This time it is a little different. We are going to start with a little camping. I have to say I have only been camping one other time, and it was not bad we can say that it was an experience. I was worried that I would not do it right, that I would need to much help. I was going camping with people in their community group and I didn't want them to see me as an intruder. Let's face it I am not a people person and I was more than a little worried. The excitement always wins though. Getting to spend time with my favorite people makes my heart happy. I am sure I will say it more times, I really needed them just to be with them in their company. My heart needed this break.  We made it in New Mexico, and FINALLY, we were under Colorado skies, an breathing seemed a little easier.  There is a little scenic look out as soon as you cross the Colorado line where you can stop and people sign the guardrail. And I did, I put "Off the Record" a heart and I love you Valerie and Neil. These people are never far from my heart,they understand me and also care for my heart. Coming to Colorado felt like pieces coming together for me.  I was suppossed to be here.

YES!! Finally in Colorado



Our view from the camp site! Majestic really

We finally found the campgrounds, they were amazing, right in the mountains, there was no  phone signal just you and the amazing mountains and it was perfect. We found our site, it was everything amazing, you could hear the stream in the background, and the mountains oh they were something magical and we were not even there 15 minutes and we saw a beautiful deer just standing there watching us. It was perfect. I think she was welcoming us, and telling me that everything was going to be ok. I may have shed some tears, it was beautiful. There was only one other family there and they were awesome, they were inviting and warm, asking if we needed any help if there was anything that they could do. They were kind, and I was glad. We set everything up got our tent up and mattress in place we were ready to do this. After the unpacking and fixing, my favorite people were there. We saw the kids first and gave them a huge hug, they have grown up. I saw Amy and gave her a hug, and then I saw James and gave him a hug. My heart was relived these were my people, right in front of me, I could hug them and there was a calm. Everything was going to be ok.

The kids were thrilled and off playing. I did a lot of standing around offering help when I could; I was letting it all sink in. I was in Colorado. I was safe and sound. I was feet away from my favorite people. And I got to see the Madrons again, people that I really really liked, which is a miracle in itself. We took a tour of the campsite. Checking everything out. The kids loved the little arcade and table tennis. There was a little playground right next to Amy and James' camp. Everything was perfect, the people the weather the location nothing could have been any better. It was breathing the cool air, it was being. In every second, there were no thoughts there was just being and for me that feels more than amazing. My mind runs a million miles an hour ALL THE TIME. I have to be ready for everything and anything. Here I was just me, just taking it all in and enjoying. Everything was so beautiful the people the friends the scenery it was all wonderful, and I was there I was a part and that made my heart happy. We ended Friday evening with smores and stars what could have been nothing closer to perfect.     There was lots of laughing, lots of everything perfect. The stars, oh my goodness there were millions of them.It was like someone threw glitter in the night sky, there were so many! It was something that did not seem real. We see nothing in Texas compared to the stars that we saw by the mountains, it was amazing.

Sleeping was well, sleeping and camping I am not sure go together. I slept some, it was chilly. The kids were wiggly and could not figure out sleeping bags, somewhat funny, only not for them really… Who knew you sleep in sleeping bags zipped up not totally unzipped. I heard little things rustling, Mariska kept moaning I asked if she was ok, of course, she said yes, I have no idea where she gets that from then the moaning continued then I asked if she needed to use the rest room. I got a firm, YES!! Figures that means I have to find my way to the rest room in the dark, MY FAVORITE!!! SO we did, got our shoes on, and yes, we did get lost, but we eventually found the rest room and eventually found our way back. The adventures of camping had begun. Mariska feel fast asleep once we got back I fell asleep with crazy nightmares, so I did not quite get restful sleep. I woke up as the sun came up, ready to start the day. As I got dressed, I tripped on Vincent's cot and ended up with a bruise on my leg about 7 by 5 inches, yes it was huge and very ugly and very sore. I had to be careful how I sat to make sure that nothing touched it. That is how the day started a little rough. Nevertheless, I kept going. We did breakfast. Well Amy and James did breakfast really, I put them on the fire then proceeded to burn them, making more than half-inedible. Live and learn right. Next time we think we will cook them on the griddle where we can control the temperature.

Then we were deciding what we were going to do for the day and we decided on Royal Gorge. It was explained as a smaller version of the Grand Canyon, PERFECT. So we all got ready and we were off. The entire trip there seemed to be a problem with me following others I kept missing James truck, like every chance that I had, crazy! But we were on the road and ready to go. We got there and poor Mariska was like yea I am not walking across that bridge. I thought you drove across the bridge, but no, you get to walk across so that was really awesome. Not so much for Mariska she was serious, she was scared to death. Only I did not know that yet. We all got our tickets and headed over the bridge it was beautiful, it was warm but not hot. Mariska was quiet, I knew something was up but could not put my finger on it. We crossed the bridge and were ready to hit up a show. Mariska was almost in tears; again, she kept saying that she was fine. We watched the show, a mix of magic and aerial acts pretty cool. Just being made the difference, the people that we were with, it was awesome. We were getting ready to leave and again the tears started with Mariska. She would not say a word. So I asked if Vincent could go with the Wiebe's and I would stay and figure out what was wrong with Mariska. I knew that something wasn't right. We got a drink and Mariska lost it, she cried and cried and said that she was really afraid. She was more than serious when she said that she didn't want to cross. Her stomach was upset from the fear. So I said ok lets cross the bridge and we can go back to the other side, Mariska froze, she would not move. She was scared to death to walk across again. But that was the only option, you walk across or do one of a few things all scary , and each one you had to cross the Gorge….So finally after a long time I took her hand and she cried all the way across but we made it and she was like I do not want to do that ever again. Poor thing. So we waited for everyone to finish. We talked and talked, we were attacked by little gnats that were more than annoying. We were fine waiting for everyone it was warm, the sun was out and all was well. Lots of people watching. 

We finally caught up with our people and we headed back to the campsite. My brain was spinning not sure, why really, it was, and I somehow missed everyone even pulling out of the parking lot and JJ had to come knock on the window, I felt like an idiot, but I was fine and began to follow them. The way to the campsite is more than amazing, I would loose sight of everyone then catch them then I totally lost James. Then I was behind the Madron's, and felt comfortable only we got stuck behind a huge 18 wheeler, and So Solomon decides to be dare devil and speeds past the truck. And that left me on this winding road, behind a huge truck my phone with no GPS and I was in a panic. My worst fear is being lost and not having a clue where to go and that is exactly where I was. The Madron's realized that I was not behind them. They waited by where we were supposed to turn and they saw the truck, then they saw me driving by…….I had no clue. For me the tears were starting, I was scared; I made it up the road finally stopping at a little restaurant, to turn around knowing that I had not seen this scenery before. Mariska saved us, she spotted the sign, Cutty's and we had found our way back. On our way up the dirt road we saw James and Solomon, they were all smiles and James said, "You took the scenic route huh?" I love him but I did not think this was funny, I was seriously scared.   I had many choice words running through my head.  They turned around and we all made it back. My heart was still in a panic, I know crazy but it was and it took until the following day to feel ok, that was the boiling point of so many emotions for me and it took something so little and I wanted to crawl in a hole. We made it back, the kids didn't know what they wanted to do, and we finally decided on swimming. Solomon came up to me saying he was sorry and explaining that they thought I would catch up and go around the truck. So sweet but my head was into crawling in a hole. We tried the outside pool but yea it was beyond freezing so we went to the indoor pool and yea my head was not there. It was just rough, but the kids were having fun and that was all that mattered. I went on the patio since the indoor pool was more of a sauna and cried, the emotion that I had pent up for weeks was spilling over. There were so very many emotions, and I cannot even explain them all or the why's and how's it was just a moment. Everyone left and I was with the kids, I cried we eventually went to the outside pool. I was trying to gather my thoughts this was not the time to crawl in a hole but every bone in my body wanted too. But I didn't and the kids played and had a blast. We had the most amazing dinner and then off to the Karaoke show. I was letting it all soak in; the kids had so much fun. It was getting late so we all headed back to camp to make more smores. The stars again were more than amazing. I was teary again. Just to be with my favorite people with new people and I just wanted to soak it all in. It was getting late people were going to bed and then there was just James and I. After great coaxing my children finally went to bed. Well I just love him and he makes my heart feel better, he has the right words and makes my heart feel not so broken. We talked some about DC some about me, I cried of coarse I cried, then we saw Vincent and his flashlight Mariska was being difficult. I told him to go back to the tent I would be there in a minute, it worked for a short time, but he was back again so we said goodnight and I was off to settle the troops in our tent. My children got an earful. Really, how often do I get to see James and you two are fighting about what? Nothing?? So I helped them fix their sleeping bags and got them settled. I wrote for some time, there wasn't much sleeping, but then again I am pretty used to that and I couldn't lay on my leg with the bruise, even the blankets hurt. So another long night. But I was under the cool Colorado sky and it was amazing. I was up super early. I walked the grouds took some time for me.

I went on this little bridge. There was lots of tears thoughts about, my test, a job, where I am suppossed to be.    I Took in all the scenery, thought about the people I was more than grateful that I made this trip with. This is where I was supposed to be and these were the people that I was supposed to be with and that felt good. Everyone started to get up and get packed up. We had one more breakfast and then we were heading out. I was soaking it all in, then off to pack up our own campsite. I was worried that I wouldn't do it fast enough, or right. We spent I can't even tell you how long trying to pack the Wiebe's sleeping bags that they let us borrow. Then Amy came over to help and she did it in less than 10 seconds ……something to know you don't roll sleeping bags just shove them in…..OH….now I know. Amy came over and helped with what was left I was grateful, thanks Amy! Then everything was all packed, car was loaded everyone said their goodbyes and we were off to their house. I asked James please make sure that I am behind you ok ? Just that look, he said of coarse. And he did I was right behind him the entire trip to their house and things were perfect. I didn't get left behind. We stopped at Sonic to get some snacks for the kids and then we were off to the Wiebe's. Again I cried some, I just miss them so very much and being with them , with people who love you unconditionally makes a heart feel nothing but good things. My heart needs more good things, they were just what my tired heart needed.

So finally we made it to the Weibe house. It was so perfect and so them, absolutely gorgeous !!! They had it all planned. Vincent was going to sleep with Nathan and Mariska was going to sleep in the girls room which meant that I had the guest bedroom to myself. What, a whole bed I think I died and went to heaven. And to know that we were all safe, there is a safety for me with Amy and James that I don't have in Texas and its something I can't explain; it just is and it feels more than amazing. The work that they had done on the house, the little touches that were so them, I loved it. They showed us around, gave us the tour. The kids were off playing. We unpacked some of the camping stuff. Amy , James and I were sitting in the living room, just chilling I was enjoying sitting, part of me not believing that I was finally there. These are the moments that my heart needs, I have told them before just being in the same room is good for me, just being, and there would be a lot of that this week. And I was grateful. James asked if there were some things that might help Vincent that we had talked about months earlier, he didn't forget. He didn't have to but he remembered. Amy said something about seeing my clip from my documentary, and asked James to send it to her. My heart smiled. No one has to watch it, but she wanted to. It's been a road lately and I needed someone to notice and to care and to let me talk. She watched and didn't say much, again it made me cry. We all took showers they ordered Pizza and we watched some TV. A perfect Sunday night. My heart was happy, my heart was taken care of. We were in Colordo, in my favorite peoples house!  Heaven for sure. 　

So Monday morning I slept an entire 8 ½ hours, that never happens, I felt so good when I woke up! I was rested and refreshed it was more than amazing. And the nanny was there and part of me felt guilty I could totally take care of the kids while Amy and James worked, but it worked out amazing and I got time for me all week. It was miraculous really, I needed this break more than words. I made myself a drink and got to drink the entire thing myself no sharing. And I ate cold pizza for lunch I loved it , everything was perfect. I needed this even more than I knew.

James said hey when you get a minute can I talk to you. Sure, and we talked in his office. I was quite comfortable, I had spent many hours in these chairs and now this person was one of my dearest friends. He is honest and true with me more than anyone in my entire life. I talked to him about Vincent; things I was worried about, things that as his mom I don't have a clue about, and he helped me. I was afraid of breaking his little heart, he is so sensitive. Vincent is so attentive to me and what I think and feel. Fathers day was more than difficult for me this year and was exceptionally hard on Vincent and it was time to have really difficult conversations and James was there to support and encourage me and I was more than grateful. He said that he would be there as support. I wasn't going to cry; I know crazy thought, of coarse I did. This was a conversation that would be life changing for both Vincent and I . I think I wanted James to have that conversation, No I am sure that I did. I knew he would say it so much better than I ever would. I jokingly said that he was the expert, and with that smile James said but its your story not mine. But I didn't want it to be my story, or the Callahan story! He said we would figure out together. I was not in this alone, and that felt amazing. He was going to take Vincent out hiking and I was more than happy. I don't trust people generally and I sure don't trust people with my children, I know that James will care for his heart and be gentle and that is just what Vincent needed. They left for their hike, I wrote and the girls were playing upstairs I hade time for me, I knew that it was the time to have those hard conversations, I didn't know how and I didn't expect to have them this week, but it was time. I was grateful I didn't have to do it on my own.  James said that he had time later in the week and would help me. I was grateful and more than scared. Also blessed that I had this help.

They came home from hiking and Vincent was super excited he couldn't stop talking about it. He was excited, doing guy things something with out mom, was exactly what he needed.

Tuesday I got to rest, I wrote lots, I played with the kids, I chilled out in bed, I went through a million things in my head. I had time for me and that felt good. I was also looking forward to see if I passed my test. And I looked it up and the results were in. I was scared to look, but if it wasn't good at least I knew that I was with people who were supportive, so I clicked on the link, it took a few minutes I was scared to look but I passed. YES, the next step was complete, I had done it! I texted a few people, to let them know.Catrina,Valerie, Amy, James, what a relief ! I texted my principal . Everyone wa excited. Valerie's response made me cry well of coarse you did, she is another person that loves me and it was cool to have all these pieces come together under one roof. Pieces were coming together that I can't even explain, and it was greatness. I finished the day in a daze really, things were happening. Good things were happening. And the other Amy and the kids came for dinner. James cooked out on the grill. Everything was so calm so relaxing we got caught up on big brother and America's got talent. We just were, and that felt perfect and everything right.

Wednesday, again I got to chill out . Vincent Emma and I ran to the store, she wanted to make pretzel bark. Again just a day to be. I was soaking up every second. I kind of avoided James, I knew that he was there to help me but I was scared. I didn't know how I was going to do it, I didn't know if the right words would come. I kind of wanted to crawl in a hole in his office and never come out, but that wasn't an option. My mind was spinning. These people know me better than most and I don't have to pretend to be ok, here I just am and that is amazing. That evening we took the train into down town Denver that was an experience. One that I am sue Amy and I will never forget. We ate at a cool restraunt, walked downtown some, the weather was perfect. Vincent was a little sad he kept asking are they homeless, his little heart, its a good one he wants to help the world. James met us there, things were great. We made it back all the children safe and sound. They made it off to bed and we caught up on Big Brother, PERFECTION I tell you PERFECTION. Nothing was expected of me, I just got to chill and then go to bed in my OWN bed. In my own Room. Yes, I called the guest Bedroom my room.

So Thursday happened, my stomach was in knots there was not much sleep. I knew that today was my chance to talk to Vincent. And I tried to ignore, tried to be normal and it wasn't working. I took my shower was doing my hair. James was in his office. And the emotions the thoughts were racing and I just stood at his door, and I asked how in the world do I do this James, How do I tell Vincent about his father?!? I was more scared than I had ever been. I didn't know how I was going to say the words how I was going to break his heart how I was going to be ok sharing this part of our story, James told me to come in, and I was a huge chicken. I was more than scared and he was reassuring and kind and said all the right things. I knew it was time but feared that Vincent would hate me. I had been dreading this moment for a very long time and the time was NOW, it was here. I wanted to do it right say all the right words, have all the answers but with something like this there is no perfect, there is no right way its just the truth and it deserves to be told. And Vincent deserves that. So I said there is no easy way is there? we just have to do it….and with a kind Yes from James I went and got Vincent asked if he wanted Lunch and asked him to come into James' office. That is for another time there is still much to process and understand. I was grateful that I didn't have to do it alone. I was blessed to have James there guiding me. Finally Vincent knew the truth, as much as his little heart could handle. We all cried. The love that was in that room, was breathtaking. James was amazing, and Vincent and I took some time together. There are no words, I wish that conversation didn't have to be had, but it was the truth and it deserved to be told. Vincent didn't break he was relieved, and my heart was a little lighter that I didn't have to carry the secret on my own. There are parts that are mine parts that are Vincent and Mariska's and parts that are ours together. I know there will be many conversations to come, but the first was done and I didn't break. Neither did Vincent. The rest of the day was quiet. I gave Vincent time, I took time for my own heart. I worried. I cried. I wanted to crawl into the couch and just go away. There were just oh so many things running through my head. Nothing else mattered in the world, I don't have a clue where anyone was. And James came in and sat by me on the couch, checking on me. I didn't have a clue but I felt better him sitting there. We spoke, I shared some of Vincent's questions, he shared how normal some of that was, that this wasn't easy no matter how anyone looked at it. He was reassuring and kind, Perfect for my heart. He gently touched my leg, and I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be, I wanted to crawl in his arms and have him make everything ok, how does a 40 year old woman do that they don't. I was just grateful for him and all that he had done. He is my hero, and I am sure that nothing will ever take that away. The rest of the day was a little of a blur, I was trying to breathe, this was really hard really really hard and I was loved through it all. I also knew that James would be leaving early in the morning and I was dreading it. I didn't want him to go. He is really one of the most important people in my life ever and I was going to miss him. We got to go out to eat with Aunt Pen and Uncle Jim. It was perfect, We all drove in my car, and I felt like I was part of a family and my heart was overflowing. I was something to these people, they were my lifeline and I was happy. My heart was full, my heart was cared for. I was under these beautiful amazing Colorado skies and I was meant to be there. I listened to their stories, and laughed, I listened and just was. A beautiful Colorado night, a perfect dinner on the patio I was loved and cared for, what else could possibly matter, Nothing,   I was in heaven. We got home the kids went to bed more catching up with our shows. Then it was time for bed. I was dreading this moment really. I gave James a quick hug goodbye, I didn't want to cry, I thanked him and said goodnight. Inside my heart was breaking I wanted to hold on and not let go. He is my forever person, I love him more than words can begin to express. I wrote him a letter, I am sure some of the things didn't need words, but I needed to write them. For someone like me to be cared for so much means so much more than you can imagine, so very much and I am always more than grateful. I put his letter
on his suitcase, and cried some more. He is never far from my heart, EVER. I tried to stay up to give him another hug before he left. I was waking up every few minutes and finally at around three I fell asleep and I missed seeing him off. Maybe it was for the best, I already missed him.

Friday Amy still had to work , so I got to care for the kids. We had a great day. We had breakfast played outside, watched some TV just relaxed and chilled, my heart was taking it all in, the entire week was coming to a close and there is a part of my heart that was sad it was almost over, I really didn't want to leave, I didn't at all. Amy finished working, Poor little Nathan wasn't feeling great, so we chilled and stayed home all afternoon. We watched some more shows, watched a movie I slept on the couch. It was perfect. We did nothing only we did so much at the same time. We ordered Chinese for Dinner and just were, it was great and just what my heart needed. We put the kids to bed and Amy and I got to talk some. She asked about Vincent and I. I asked her about what she thought about me doing the documentary. Amy has always amazed me, I have always watched her, in amazement really. I have always felt that she was untouchable that I didn't deserve to have her around me that I was just too different, there were too many things wrong with me but we really got to talk and be with each other and my heart was happy. She is a person I have always said I loved her before I really knew her and I meant that. Getting to be with her and spend time was more than meaningful to me. I felt that she knew what James meant to me and I was a person that she put up with. But that wasn't it at all. I think that when she asked me to stay that extra day so her and I could do something with the kids I was in shock ? Who ME ? Are you sure, but I am the crazy one. Getting to spend time with someone who you so look up too is something amazing and I am grateful. This Week I felt like she was truly my friend. And what else is there to say, I love her.

Saturday we woke up and we were all getting ready to go. I was coughing some the night before and was convinced that I was not going to get sick. I woke up and my throat was more than sore, and I was going to do everything to ignore it, my voice was fading but hey who needs a voice right?!? Amy and I talked all the way there and it was perfect. We were going to an animal sanctuary and I was excited. Animals that were saved and being taken care of it was perfect. Its this long bridge off the ground where you get to see the animals, and learn about their stories it was pretty awesome. The kids and I were all set. They talked about it being the animals house and we were visitors and to be careful, it was pefect.  I was hoping that the Wiebe clan wasn't bored out of their mind, Amy assured me it was fine that they might go through a little faster but that it was fine. I was just soaking it all up. I didn't want the day to end. It was afternoon and we started talking about dinner, should we go home should we go straight there. We decided why not have an early dinner lets just go straight there. So that was it, that was the plan. Only the car started to act crazy, then decided to loose all power and we ended up on the side of the road. Yes it was Amy and I and all the kids. SO hey go with the flow right. We call insurance, they are sending a tow truck. Great but we have 7 people in the car, we are thinking how is this going to work?!? . Amy says ok I can call Uber and take all the kids to get your car then we can come back and pick you up. You can stay and wait for the tow truck.  Are you ok with that?  Outside I am like of coarse, what else are we going to do inside, the panic attack starts WHAT, leave me alone, what if he is a crazy man what if what if, I know the places my mind goes but I was scared and Amy even asked are you ok with that and of coarse I said yes what else were we going to do, you do what you have to do….I always do what I have to do regardless of how I feel. So Amy calls Uber, I am panicking, more than scared. The tow truck shows up first, we wait a few minutes then Uber shows up its all set everything is all taken care of. We all go in the Uber car no one has to stay behind and I am truly relieved. We head back to get my car and finish the plans for the afternoon. Amy drives and we are on our way. She asked if I was ok. I said of coarse, we talked some and everything worked out for the best. She said that I have to speak up for me, and what I needed. What who me, I know but what else were we going to do ? It was just great someone noticing and acknowledging me. So we were on our way to the restaurant.

The perfect Colorado pizza place. Complete with the most amazing waterfall out front. Really with all the bumps in the road this day it turned out pretty awesome. We waited for out table and it was absolutely perfect, right towards the back with a full window view of the waterfall and the mountains, PERFECTION if there is such a thing. I didn't have much of a voice, nothing else really mattered it was great, the kids were all happy, and I was again taking in every second, every sight, every sound, every giggle. The day had been perfect . So Vincent took a picture of Amy and I and we were off. Then we hear mom, as all the kids were trying to get into the car, poor little Nathan had started coughing and got sick….I know….poor guy, so we stopped the car….children still hanging out, Amy ran inside to grab some napkins and …..clean up the little guy. And the miracle not one drop got in my car, it was all in his seat! I know LUCKY. So we got him all cleaned up all the kids loaded in and we were off to the Antique Store I mean why not the day that we had RIGHT? So we walked around, seeing the cool things but what mattered most was the people, I just wanted to be with them. The kids found a family statue with 3 and it was perfect for the week and we found a plate for our plate wall when we move out. There was lots of laughing lots of just being enjoying the company. Then the announcement they would soon be closing so we piled into my car and headed for home. The kids all were getting ready for bed, we started packing some of the car, we would be leaving early in the morning, and I was not look forward to it. I was on automatic trying to get things done. Mariska had brought Amy a shirt that needed some straps and Amy was upstairs sewing that for her. I went upstairs and just sat while Amy sewed, I was soaking in the moments, just watching, it was pretty cool really. I felt like a little kid , it was great. The kids were all tucked in Amy asked if I was up for a little America's Got Talent. I said yea, of coarse. So we sat on the couches, watching, I was holding back the tears I had honestly thought that leaving was going to be easier with James already gone but I was totally mistaken. We watched the last show and said goodnight I held it together until I closed my door, and the tears started. I didn’t want the show to be over, I didn't want to leave in the morning, I wanted to stay and I wanted my heart to be taken care of. And I started to write and write. Some people are not going to understand all that the Wiebe's mean to me. Some are going to understand pieces. Some are going to think I am totally crazy but I don't care about any of that. I have never had someone love me like they do and I am grateful. It may have taken until I was in my late 30's but it was worth it. I was devastated when they said they were leaving Texas. I was mad at God I was shaking my fists angry, why put these amazing people in my life  only for them to be taken away?! These people are the closest thing I will ever have to family and I am grateful. I worried that I would never see them again. But yet I was invited last thanksgiving and I got to come this summer. I am learning that these people are my forever people. They are not going anywhere, all my good memories have come from them and I am learning oh so much. And as I closed my door my last night I wrote them a letter, so they always know how much they mean to me. I think I finally feel asleep around 2:30. I took pictures of the house I sat in James office grateful for the time I got to spend with him. I took pictures of my room where I got to rest where I got to sleep where I got to be me. This trip was more than some kind of wonderful for me.

I woke up at 5:30 just thinking of the week, I was not looking forward to the drive back, I knew it was going to be long and hard. Amy came down asked how I was . I couldn't look at her said fine, if I stopped for a second the tears would have started and I can promise they would not have stopped. We finished putting the stuff in the car, out time was coming to an end. We all went outside, closed the trunk It was time. And I couldn't hold back anymore, I looked at Amy and said I wasn't going to cry. She said that it was ok, and I cried and held on. I felt loved, more loved than I have ever felt. I said bye to Emma little man and Ellie were still sleeping and we were off. GPS was still wonky and wouldn't work it probably took us 30 minutes just to get out of the neighborhood. All I really wanted to do was run back to their house but I had to go. The tears fell fast and furious. These people make me feel important they make me feel worthy. These people love me and I don't have a clue why. But they do and I feel it in my bones.

The trip home is hard I cry most of the time as we cross state lines, as the mountains fall out of view all things that mean my people are getting further and further and further away. I know that these are forever people, I know that I will see them again but that never makes the leaving any easier. These people fill my heart, these people let me be, they push me and challenge me and make me want to keep moving forward. These are my forever people and they always will be no matter where they go or where I go, no one can take what we have. This was the most amazing week. I was supported and loved and cared for. I was special, I can write a novel and still not mention all the little ways that they touch my life and make it amazing. All the times they are in my heart in my writing in my soul. I am grateful and blessed for these people and my children are lucky to know them. I don't know where this crazy life is leading me but I know that they will always be in it. I heart your heart Wiebe's, you are amazing. Thank you for everything absolutely everything. See you sooner than later. You mean the world and more.

I heart your heart.  Always.