Brandon Way

   
The trailer park was so deserted but you would never know it from the look of this sign. Driving down 380, coming in from the back I noticed all the tractors and big digging equipment I think I got excited thinking that it wasn't there anymore. I kept saying I don't think its there anymore I don't think its there. My heart was racing, like I had seen a ghost, my hands were falling asleep I was holding the steering wheel so tight. I just wanted the light to change colors so I could turn and find out. I had not been there in a very long time probably 17 years. I would have to pass it every day on my way to and from school, and I would dread it and close my eyes look the other way, sing extra loud so I didn't have to pay attention to actually passing that place. I finally turned into the entrance and no one lived there at all. It had been abandoned , you could tell where the trailers had been, the porches and swing sets that were left behind. I don't know how long it been deserted but everything was overgrown, no signs of life, just emptiness. I kept looking around saying wow, wow. Its one of those moments that you don't expect and everything stops and its just you and this abandoned place in all the world. And the thoughts that were running through my head, how in the world am I going to remember what street it was on, will the trailer even be there, then there right in front of you; you see it and there is a knowing you see Brandon Way, and your heart beats faster Yes, that’s it. He lived on Brandon Way, and there is a part of me that went on automatic pilot, I turned left like I knew exactly where to go, and it all comes back. And like a flash you see things how they were all those years ago, and your heart sinks to know that yes, he lives here and yes a little girl also lives here. I remember that cold rainy day and seeing this trailer for the very first time, I remember it like I remember what I had for dinner yesterday IT IS THAT CLEAR STILL in my head. I can see the empty fish tanks, the shabby trailer, the color grey with white trim and of coarse, the only thing that mattered, that little pink bike. I stop and get out of the car, and just stand there and say, WOW, wow, that's it. That is the house where he lived . And I am looking around trying to process it all, it looks so very different but yet the same. I remember it being turned towards the street more, I remember her bike seeming so much closer to me than it actually was. There was some guy in a big truck that had been watching me, he followed us for awhile, sat in a deserted driveway just watching, until he finally drove by and asked if he could help. I said no thank you, I was quiet and respectful . I just said that my father used to live here. He said ok and said some man's name, I said no his name was bob. I was so calm and collected, and I turned and looked back towards the trailer. If that man knew what was going on inside my head he surely would have called the police. Because inside I was screaming, no a child molester lived here and once he had moved on from raping me he got remarried and was going after another little girl. That is the man that lived here. I wanted to tear that trailer into a million little pieces, I wanted to go in and look for answers, I wanted to run in there and destroy anything and everything that I could. I wanted to destroy it for Angela and the life that she has had to live because he was in her life. But I kept it all together, politely smiled , but there were bombs going off inside of me. And still grenades are going off, every now and then, as I try to fit the pieces together. But the guy in the truck smiled and after watching for a few more minutes, he left and went on his way.

I guess its like those people who have a tornado devastate their neighborhood and yet they know exactly where their house is, yes it was just like that, once I saw Brandon Way I knew exactly where it was. Kind of amazing that his trailer was still there….obviously long forgotten, but oh the stories that were in those walls. But I did it, I faced yet another task, the fear going there was crazy, like somehow I thought he was still going to be there. In my head I knew that he wasn't; my adult brain so knows that. The fear is so ingrained, so SOOO ingrained. When I went there and found it the first time I was scared that I was going to see him. That somehow he would come out and find me and do who knows what but I was more than terrified. I think back then a part of me wanted to see her, little Angela so I could scoop her up in my arms and take her away, keep her safe. I didn't want to leave, I was worried about her, and I worried all the time until I saw that first picture of her. I did this for her, all for her. Me it was already done, but I could fight for her. I could change things.

The thing that stood out the most was the crate myrtle tree that was there. In all the darkness of that place there was this vibrant growing pink tree, kind of fitting. NO more little pink bike, no more hurt no more fear or danger coming from that house. No one that I needed to help, that I needed to save. Just an old abandoned trailer, with a beautiful pink tree growing. In the chaos that surrounded this place a new lease on life. Amazing that it was there that I had the chance to see it. it’s a lot to take in, a whole lot. I said that I would go, and I do what I say. As scared as I was, I did it.

So this was it, the trailer.  I hope that now when i think about this place, instead of imagining my father or the house, I need to think of that crate myrtle tree blooming the only thing that was growing there among that ugly deserted place.  Even in the darkest of places somehow amazing things can grow.

 

I heart your heart. For You.