Be With Me

 

Oh Callahan I want to make you safe and give you the world.  I want you to come out of hiding and shine.  I want you to live your most amazing life. I want you to walk with your head up high, and know that you have done nothing wrong.  I want you to know that you are so loved and valued and cared for.  I know its more than hard to believe that because of the words and actions of people that couldn't see just how worthy that you are, but I am always here .  You are a gem, you are a force so strong that it scares the shit out of people because when they wanted you to shrivel up and die, she grew, you were brave and strong.  You held on to your light for dear life when all of those around you were trying to take it away. You are scared, and so am I but we can't keep punishing ourselves for all the things that others did.  We hold on to those things wanting to make them different wanting to understand and there is no way to understand the incomprehensible.  If you just come close , we can do this together.  We have a space that is so full of light, where we are so very safe.  You can do whatever it is that you need to do because I won't be going anywhere.  The sky is amazing colors of brightness that you can't even imagine.  The ocean is near and the whales are never out of sight.  I know that whales have been your life line and the only real connection that you felt other than your Bella. You can just be,  because I know you have not had a lot of that in your life.   You will not be shamed for your thoughts, feelings or the things that were done to you.  There is no shame in this place just all the love and light that you could ever imagine. There won't be people there , I know they scare you.  But there are a few people I would love for you to meet when the time is right.  The sky here is magnificent, the warm sun not too hot just enough cool, you can keep your sweater for as long as you need it to feel safe. You can do whatever it is that you need and there is no judgement, no second guessing from anyone.  This is your place when you are ready.  This is your time to heal, to live to find your piece of peace that you long for.  

  

I heart your heart 

No warm memories

 

With my brother being around more often it is amazing the memories that we are getting to share, or the memories that he is sharing.  His memories and experiences are so very different than mine.  He has trips after trip and cruise after cruise with her .  He has all the warm fuzzy mom memories and I don't have that.  I was thinking and crying and thinking even more today and I was like there are no memories like that for me.  

My memories are of being left out.  My memories are of not being enough and not being valued.  The one time that the kids and I went to the beach with her.  It was awful.  We went for a walk on the beach she ended up walking with Laurel, I was alone.  It was my birthday and I got a mouse, yes a computer mouse.  I was heartbroken.  The only thing that I wanted to do for my birthday was walk out on the pier.  Other things were more important and I never got that walk.  Those are the memories that I have.  There are no cruise pictures, no happy memories. No moments of togetherness to remember forever.  No warm pictures in my mind to ease my heart. That is more than hard to get my head around. 

I am tired about hearing about Carly and all the things they shared when she has treated my daughter as less than for a big part of her life.  I don't want to hear all the wonderful times they had, when all I heard was how much Carly was not liked.  How she was not kind and disrespectful.  There were never any good things about her, and yet to hear the stories about her and my mother is more than hard to listen too. I feel more than awful for Mariska who was more often than not left out.  Even the one thing they did every year was go to Cake Carousel and do some Christmas cookie class.  This year she invited Carly.  Something that her and Mariska always did just the two of them, but not this year.  Then she had to cancel it and that was a last impression Mariska had.  How sad is that

I can only think of a few good memories , and if I don't move on quickly they are clouded in disregard and self-centeredness. 

  I am not sure I was ever really loved, and that is a pain that I can't even comprehend. Just an invisible girl I am going to sit and listen to the birds and cry until I can't cry anymore.

Utterly Heartbroken

 My heart is literally broken.  Literally the conversation that I had with my brother last night was heartbreaking and felt like a slap in the face.  I felt disregarded, I felt worthless and small.  I am kind of out of words. My chest is heavy, and I want to scream. My name was also on her life insurance but that obviously meant nothing.  my brothers views me just the same as her friends, acquaintances.  I am/ was the terrible daughter that did nothing for her. My name on her life insurance was a formality, to somehow make herself feel better, like she had done her duty. For me this is yet another stab through my heart. Really,  it was for my brother.  I called, but everything went to him. All paperwork was to be filled out by him.  All correspondence was him. I was just the useless daughter once again. Since he had her policy such a short time the amount was lessened.  I wasn't expecting anything at all.  but his words his plans were a huge slap in the face .  I am more than hurt, really .  This is such a clear picture of just how little that I meant, or mean. He wants to split some of the remaining money between Laurell's children and my kids.  That is not ok.  Those children are nothing, those children are who she didn't talk about kindly and yet,  he wants to give them some of her life insurance. He wants to give my children a little over 100 dollars.  Keep your fucking money. The hurt that I feel. And he wants to big the big fucking hero giving them close to nothing. 

Earlier in the evening, he heard me talking about not being able to get an MRI because I don't have the money, Even as a private pay an MRI is way out of budget. Then he has the nerve to talk to me about his plans for her life insurance, I keep saying it but it feels like a hard slap right across the face. I hope that he enjoys every last penny.  I hope he knows, that I love him.  I hope he knows that he is my brother and we have a relationship but I will not let him into my heart.  I will not share my life with him because I know just how little that I mean. 

I have always done life on my own and this is no different. Just more than sad that yet another person is unable to see how hard it was living with her and how terrible that I was treated. I hope that he is happy with his decisions that have broken yet another piece of my heart.  Talk about conditional love. Everything in my family was conditional, how sad. 

I have become everything that I am on my own.  I am so much more than this, I am more than their thoughts and opinions.   But this hurts more than I ever imagined, and it has nothing to do with money. 

I heart your heart 

She is so heavy

 

The me that was once 13, is so very sad.  She carries a heaviness that I often cannot find words for.  I am great at finding pictures for the things that she thinks and feels but getting those out of my mouth and into the open is extremely heavy.  She is a tortured soul that longs to be free.  She longs for someone to be there even on her worst days.  I know the things, I know that she isn't alone and that she is me and I am her, but the thing is she has always been the most far away.  As far away and alone as little Callahan was she is light years away from that.  She is afraid, of being hurt of being rejected of finding what she needs and being left.  She feels, thinks and believes that she is a burden.  She doesn't believe that she deserves the same things as others.  She feels so other than,  I can't imagine how she survived all that she did.  I know what little Callahan experienced and she had all of that and more.  The things that happened to her are unimaginable and take my breath away.  So many days I don't know how she always kept going. I know that is just what we do but this was something different.  This was something that made her want to literally die.  She wanted them to pull the trigger of that gun; that was easier than laying under that fan turn after turn after turn.  Even writing this I see those pictures that time and I wish that sometimes people could see the inside scars that line my heart from what she has had to live through.  My heart hurts every single day for her.  Her thoughts and feelings weigh more than a thousand elephants and she carries that every second of every day and I fear that there is not a way for her to ever totally be free.  I think there will always be parts and pieces that carry the weight of all the things she feels, and thinks. 

I am trying so hard to believe I am her and she is me but I don't want to be her.  I don't want to. I have all the pictures and memories and they don't lessen, they are there so very clear. The heaviness of her heart, there are even times she still feels what they did and that adds to the weight and there isn't a reason for that. I feel like she is back there frozen in the heaviness. I do think that she wants to get out of that time but she can't imagine anything else. This girl so battered so bruised feels like she is a million miles away and I wish that there was a way to include me in her life without being a part of everything that she has been through. 

It is more than hard with her to believe that she is me, because I don't want to be her.  I want her to feel loved and to be heard but to believe and feel like she is a part of me feels very far away. She is so sad all the time even in the good things because she knows that there is always something going to take it away.  There are so many feelings that I don't have words for.  I feel like talking about her I talk in circles because there are so many things I don't know and don't understand .  There are things about her I can't explain she fears being called a liar, she fears not being heard.  She is afraid all the time.  She is this shadow of a girl that just so wanted to be seen and loved. She wanted to matter.  I want to wrap my arms around her and help her believe in herself in everything that she is and I am scared.  Not sure that she would believe me, not sure that I am strong enough.  She feels more than foreign to me; the things she has lived through are unfathomable and break my heart.  There is nothing i can do to make it any different to take any of it away.  I feel like I talk in circles trying to figure her out.  Its so heavy wanting so much to make things different, wanting things to be different for a person and no matter how hard that I try I can never make that happen for her. 

I watched The Accused last night looking for something, that I can't put words too.  Looking for something to make everything that happened in her life ok and I still can't find it.  When I let things get quiet and think,  I want that moment when I can feel free.  I search for the moment when I feel complete and whole.  I search for the moment I feel light and joyful and proud.  I am forever searching for the moments when I know that I survived, I truly made it   and I will be ok.  I look forward to that moment the most when all the heaviness is long gone and there is only light. I have been struggling with the tears all week.  At any second it feels like I am going to fall to pieces.  I know this will pass, but in these times I feel like as hard as I work it will never be enough to get where I want to be.  That poor girl.  She was literally all alone in the world.  She needs so much , she needs things that she can never have and I don't know what to do with that.  I am needy and she is ten times that.  I think she could cry forever,  I think there will always be missing pieces of her heart that no amount of kindness, no amount of forever can fix and that terrifies me.  I can never find my very own happy place with her so very far away. It hurts when I breathe. My heart is heavy and the weight on my shoulders is insurmountable.  Someday, she will be free.  I want that for her, I want that for me until I can be her and she can be me. 

I heart your heart

 

All the Words