This is something that has been heavy my entire life. I have always had questions. I have always had doubts. When religion and god seemed to bring people peace , it brought me anger and and other feelings that I don't even have words for. It was something that never brought peace and comfort. I have reached out and tried so many times to belong to understand and yet was not met with open arms, or welcoming comfort. Some of my biggest heart hurts have come directly from the church, and the people there and I will never understand. What I thought were forever people threw religion in my face. What I thought was so real was turned against me , I just never totally fit in. I used to want that so much, to fit with them to be a part and I jut never did. I was always left out for one reason or another. Always excluded in certain situations. My sadness was never as deep as theirs. My fears and wants never as important as theirs.
I see pictures of these women on Facebook, and they talk about god and being a good christian, and I don't at all understand. It makes me more than angry, because , I see all the ways that they are not. All I really want to do is leave a terrible comment, exposing them as liars. I want to scream how I was the things that they say, they talk about and they really don't mean it. They are those things to others if you fit into their pretty little box. I was treated more than cruel by these so called christ like women. Once I was a part of that, once for a second I thought that I had something real and true with them and in the blink of an eye I didn't anymore. They turned their backs and trampled my heart. I want to scream and yell at them. I want to tell them all to fuck off and go to hell, really. Then I think these are not women that I share anything with. These are not women that are worth my effort, or my tender heart. These are not women that I want to be a part of, these are women that hold daggers; Big sharp daggers and they use them and think nothing of it; and that is something I want nothing to do with. These are unkind women that exclude, that judge and take sides. These are women that leave others out and make a person feel as if they are the problem. I am not a problem, I am not something to be fixed by them. I am not a person to fit in some kind of pretty box that fits the role they wanted me to fit in. These are not my people and for a time I believed with ever fiber in my being that they were. They pretended to be , but when truths are shared, when things happen and sides are taken, I was the odd man out. They pretended I belonged, I pretended to go along and in the end, I was left as before. Not a single one of them turned around to check on me. They pretended I was one of them as long as I went along, the second I grew; the second I voiced my heart it was all over and I saw truths I never imagined could come from all the things they pretended to be.
I think there is going to be a piece of this that always hurts, because I wanted to belong, and for such a short time I was and in that time I felt things I never got to experience before, as I grow and heal, I would rather be real and true then be something I am not just to belong. I gave so much and was so hopeful I had something real but in the end they were not real and I was the one that paid the price. That will always hurt, but as I get stronger, I will let them go more and more and someday I will no longer even be Facebook friends. They no longer deserve to see the life I have or where I am. Not there yet but I am close. Closer than I have ever been before.
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