My heart is crushed . I am worried beyond words about Vincent . He has made me enemy number one and I am at a loss. I am all too aware of the hard life that he has had to live but in so many ways he has had an easier life than what I have known and I wish he was able to understand that. The death of his grandmother has sent him in a downward spiral and I am doing everything I know how to do, to stop the fall; to make him understand how he is loved and how important that he is , but it just doesn't seem to be working.
My once sweet son is gone and I want to find him again.
He doesn't laugh anymore. He doesn't talk to me. He doesn't like me , for a single second and I am fighting things I don't even know about. I feel it in my bones that he blames me for his grandmother passing away. She was his got to. I understand that was important for him, I understand she was his person what he doesn't understand is how unhealthy of a relationship that she created. She created their relationship as a wedge between him and I and I felt that every single day. She was a secret maker, a secret keeper and he was placed in the middle and now I am in a fight to get my son back and I am not sure there is any winning side. What was lost is lost and there isn't a side that she hasn't damaged. She placed Vincent in the middle and he is too young to understand that that those things weren't ok. Those are the things that have always broken my heart and also the things that Vincent is too young to understand. So where do I go from here ?
To the very core of my being I love him more than anything, and what I am doing isn't working. I am more than worried. He carries the weight of the world and isn't letting me in. He wants to be so adult yet takes responsibility for nothing. He helps with nothing in the house and I ask for so little. I only ask when its something I just can't do. Something I can't lift or reach and I do everything I can to make sure that I can do things on my own. Even with my broken foot, I still did the trash brought everything upstairs . Which is fine I am used to doing things on my own , there is no initiative to help me with anything.
It feels like he is mad at me for being a single mom, he is made at me that there isn't more money, he is mad we live in Anna, he is mad that he doesn't have a car he is mad that things are not handed to him on a silver platter. He is angry that it's just me. I go out of my way to include him to try and be fair to make him smile and it feels futile. He always says Mariska is the favorite. No she isn't the favorite, she just reaches back.
I ask Mariska if he is fine when I get out of the car and she says yes. He smiles and laughs. He is more than miserable around me , at home and its like he has to try to stay that way. I don't understand what he is punishing me for. Every conversation I try to have he says it doesn't matter. I tell him over and over yes, it does matter, it matters so much you don't even know. He is angry he doesn't get his way , that he can't just get what he wants. But life doesn't work like that.
I am to a point, you don't get to treat me unkind then expect my car. You don't come in at 2 am and expect no consequences. He is making choices and those choices he is making are hurting other people and he doesn't care and that kills me. He doesn't respect me at all, and I just don't understand. I have always given him everything but it seems it isn't enough, or it just isn't what he needs. But he can't even tell me what he needs. I tell him I' m here, I tell him that I can't read his mind that he just has to let me know how I can help and I will be there, but right now he wants nothing to do with me. I want more than anything just for him to reach back.
He hurts my heart weekly and there is no amount of care. I am sure my mother had many words for him about me and those are weighing heavy on him and those are things that I can't fix or help him understand. Little does he know how heavy those things are for me, because I feel like I failed him. Those are things that only time will tell how he is going to handle that. I think there is a part of me that feels terribly guilty that somehow I didn't shield him enough from her and that web of lies and hate for me that she had Vincent was a front seat passenger for. For that I will forever be sad.
I know that things are changing he is a senior and will be moving on, I just want him to understand how so loved that he is and just how important that it is not to hut me out . I want him to talk to me and understand that there is so much more to the story than my mother may have led him to believe.
Vincent Guy, You are my heart I love you I love you I love you.
I heart your heart.
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