This is one of those things that I struggle to find the words for. I struggle to understand how I can be so affected all these years later. Many mornings when I wake up, I feel the weight of all that has happened to me. I remember most of my nightmares. There are morning when I don't, at least not specifically, but I feel them. I feel what happened in those nightmares in my bones and I just don't have any words. It's so hard for my brain today to understand. All that happened to me was so long ago, and yet in the blink of an eye my body is back there and I want to curl up in a ball wishing that I didn't feel the things that I do.
I don't understand my body today hurting when its been many many years. When I was 5 there was not really an understanding . My body hurt because , I was only 5. Like I can understand that, of coarse it hurt. What my father was doing was painful and I can remember those nights when I got a break, the relief, the almost haha that I felt that for one night my body not to be in pain felt like some kind of victory. I can remember being in physical pain a lot and there wasn't a thing I could do about it, really that was my normal. I learned to live with it, that is just what happens. You learn how to sit, and how to avoid being touched so that you don't flinch.
But as I got older there was still so much pain. I am grateful for the times I just went away somewhere safe in my head and during those times I knew what was happening but I was so far away from my own body that I felt nothing. As I got older I think there were more times than not that I did go somewhere far far away. I was there in the room I knew what was happening to me but I didn't physically feel any of the pain. I think it was better like that, just knowing but not having to feel. I don't understand how I handled everything back then , I just kept going kept doing all the things that I had to do and yet today I wake up and all I want to do is crawl out of my skin, How is that possible ? I handled it all so well and today it doesn't feel like I am dealing with it at all. I just do not understand.
Today all these years later, somehow it seems that I can't get away from all the things that I felt. I am so very frustrated, because those things aren't happening anymore. I am safe, no one is hurting me I am no longer being raped all the time. I think of Charles and I felt nothing. I knew what he was going to do and in a split second, I just wasn't there anymore. I do not understand waking up and feeling like my body has been assaulted over and over and over. Of coarse there were times I was present for the pain, but reliving it today is something that feels so frustrating and overwhelming. The shame is huge that those things hppened and then I can't even get away from how badly I was hurt.
I don't want to feel that pain anymore. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be free, physically from what they all did to me. It feels like such a violation again when you wake up and everything hurts and there isn't a reason in the here and now. I wake up back in the past, and this is one of those things that I don't feel like I have control over. I hate this more than anything. I am embarrassed and ashamed to still feel so much all this time later. I hate being in my own skin, feeling like I am living in the past when I work so hard to recover from it. It feels like its happening more and more and I feel like the more that I ignore it, the more that it happens. Each day this week I have woken up feeling like I am back decades and experiencing terrible awful unimaginable things and I hate it so much. It seems to be worse, dealing with that 13 year old I think because she had an awareness of what was happening and it made her sick.
Even last night, I was dreaming about Bella and the pain started and I was in a panic going around o everyone asking for help asking for someone to see me and do something and not one person did. Those are the kind of nightmares that I feel in my bones. That even when I wake up my skin hurts. I have come so far but the days I wake up feeling like I am still living back there , I want to scream at the world how unfair that it is, because no one should ever have to wake up feeling this. I am at a loss and I don't want to feel what happened in my bones anymore. I don't want to physically feel the things that were done, I have come too far to keep being pulled so far back. I don't even know if this makes sense anymore, I know that it feels more crazy more sane. After so many days feeling like this, how does a little girl do that when me at 46 wants nothing more than to crawl out of her skin.
I heart your heart.
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