Utterly Heartbroken

 My heart is literally broken.  Literally the conversation that I had with my brother last night was heartbreaking and felt like a slap in the face.  I felt disregarded, I felt worthless and small.  I am kind of out of words. My chest is heavy, and I want to scream. My name was also on her life insurance but that obviously meant nothing.  my brothers views me just the same as her friends, acquaintances.  I am/ was the terrible daughter that did nothing for her. My name on her life insurance was a formality, to somehow make herself feel better, like she had done her duty. For me this is yet another stab through my heart. Really,  it was for my brother.  I called, but everything went to him. All paperwork was to be filled out by him.  All correspondence was him. I was just the useless daughter once again. Since he had her policy such a short time the amount was lessened.  I wasn't expecting anything at all.  but his words his plans were a huge slap in the face .  I am more than hurt, really .  This is such a clear picture of just how little that I meant, or mean. He wants to split some of the remaining money between Laurell's children and my kids.  That is not ok.  Those children are nothing, those children are who she didn't talk about kindly and yet,  he wants to give them some of her life insurance. He wants to give my children a little over 100 dollars.  Keep your fucking money. The hurt that I feel. And he wants to big the big fucking hero giving them close to nothing. 

Earlier in the evening, he heard me talking about not being able to get an MRI because I don't have the money, Even as a private pay an MRI is way out of budget. Then he has the nerve to talk to me about his plans for her life insurance, I keep saying it but it feels like a hard slap right across the face. I hope that he enjoys every last penny.  I hope he knows, that I love him.  I hope he knows that he is my brother and we have a relationship but I will not let him into my heart.  I will not share my life with him because I know just how little that I mean. 

I have always done life on my own and this is no different. Just more than sad that yet another person is unable to see how hard it was living with her and how terrible that I was treated. I hope that he is happy with his decisions that have broken yet another piece of my heart.  Talk about conditional love. Everything in my family was conditional, how sad. 

I have become everything that I am on my own.  I am so much more than this, I am more than their thoughts and opinions.   But this hurts more than I ever imagined, and it has nothing to do with money. 

I heart your heart