There are so many things that I want to say. There are so many things that I have tried to ignore, because there are bigger things going on than me trudging things from the past. My mother passing away was the greatest relief and harder than I ever imagined. I long to be sad that my mother is gone, but there is a pain and an ache that she was not the mom that I needed. Its hard to grieve when the anger I feel at her words and actions are daggers through my heart. I have spent every single day since December 3rd trying to figure out why she hated me so intensely, why she threw me under the bus, why she made me the bad guy in her small world. I have spent all this time trying to understand and I have gotten no where. I have slept little my body feeling all the memories, my skin sensitive to every small touch and my mind a tornado trying to find a place for all the thoughts and emotions.
I woke up yesterday and I felt like all the things in my life had happened yesterday and it hasn't been like that in some time. I have done so much work trying to heal and free those parts of me still so hurt by all the things that have happened. I think somehow I believed that when my mother passed away some of the things that I have held onto were somehow going to magically disappear. Somewhere in my mind, well she is gone, I can quickly and quietly pick of the pieces of me smashed by her and just put them where they belong and just like that I would be healed in some magic way. Well it just hasn't worked like that. I think there is a deeper sad knowing that there was no one. Knowing that she knew things and she chose herself over her child. She knew things and made everyone else a priority as I struggled to clean up and be the little wife that I had to be. I hate that more than anything. How she could get on a plane leaving me behind knowing that I was going to be hurt but her tie on the beach was more important. That hurts on a soul level that I am not sure there is any healing for. There is so much more hurt with her passing away than I ever imagined.
And there is still me. I have worked ever so hard and little callahan is being a little girl. A normal little 5 year old girl. She doesn't have a care in the world. She is free, she will never forget, and there are times she is still all too aware of the things that have happened to her but she lets me take care of those things as she plays, and runs and laughs with out a care in the world. She is not so close anymore, but I know that she is safe and sound experiencing some of those things that she never had the chance to do.
And there is still me that scared , no terrified 13 year old afraid of herself and the world around her. She can't imagine ever being free. She can't imagine a day when she doesn't feel their hands, when she doesn't smell their cologne. She can't imagine a day when the nightmares will go away and she will be able to sleep with no bruises. She can't imagine all the things that I think about as a 36 year old woman. I dream of a love and a husband o share my life with and she thinks are you serious ! No matter what has happened we are in this war. Her and I. She needs to hold on to prove that all those things matter. That all of those terrible things happened even if no one acknowledged them, She is in survival mode, quietly going through life waiting for the other shoe to drop, and another person to smash the remaining pieces of her heart. At the same time she is waiting for someone to help her, save her even. I think she wants someone just to hold her make all the bad things go away. Let her cry until there aren't any tears left. Hold her until she stops shaking then hold her some more just to make sure that she knows it's ok. She needs some much comfort and understanding. She is terrified of the world; still after all this time. I worry about her, if she ever make it back. I worry that someone she has been through too much to feel worthy, and brave and amazing. The door is open, I am trying really hard to let her in, and out of the dark but that is what she knows. She is more comfortable in the dark because at least she knows what to expect.
Then there is me in this in-between. I have this crystal clear picture of little Callahan and there is no one stealing her joy. There is no one hurting her little body. She is free. She plays, and sings and dances. She is doing what all littles deserve to do and I am grateful for that. I have this picture of thirteen year old me who has to be so strong. She is bruised and battered after all this time because she lives there, back during that time when evil was all around her. She wants to understand the life around her but just doesn't, there isn't love and kindness. There isn't care and concern. She doesn't understand the loss of little Bella and not remembering so much. She can explain the curtains and comforter in that room with yellow walls yet she can not remember what happened to her or her daughter. She doesn't understand why not one person has jumped in to help her. She doesn't believe in the world anymore. She doesn't believe in people, she doesn't believe it will get better. She is scared to keep living, at any second she knows that one person could end everything but she also knows that she ill fight tooth and nail to stay alive.
And there is me trying to keep it all together. Grateful for the work that I have done and am able to see that Little callahan isn't hiding anymore. She isn't in some dark corner, scared and I could not be more grateful. !3 year old is more than hard. I know what she needs and I am terrified to give it to her. I am scared to carry the things that she does. And yes I have to carry them because she doesn't deserve to have to do that alone. I am scared to help her, scared of her survival. I say all the time I don't know how she kept breathing and that is terrifying. There was an innocence to little Callahan that 13 year old didn't have, maybe she has it but I can't find it yet. She has survived the unimaginable and I know the work it took to free Little Callahan and I feel 13 year old is even further away. Because she never got to feel, by then she just learned what was necessary and kept going. She feels more than broken. I worry I am not enough to help her heal. I want so many things and I think of her and think I just can't. Somehow the things that I want and helping her can't go together. I dream of being in love, that feels fatal for her. I want a husband to her that is more than dangerous. To her that is putting herself in a situation to be hurt again. There are so many things to figure out with her. Things are not so clear, not so black and white and I struggle. I am all i for the fight, I just have to make sure that I am healing her and not adding any more hurt. I would never forgive myself if I were to add any more hurt in this life time and so here we are. A daughter with no father, a daughter with no mother and a mother trying to keep herself and her children safe in a world that feels fundamentally dangerous. So now is the time back to me and I am all in, I am scared and I feel more than needy because I am not sure what these next steps are going to be. I am not sure that I am ready, but I know more than anything that I want to be.
I heart your heart.
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