No warm memories

 

With my brother being around more often it is amazing the memories that we are getting to share, or the memories that he is sharing.  His memories and experiences are so very different than mine.  He has trips after trip and cruise after cruise with her .  He has all the warm fuzzy mom memories and I don't have that.  I was thinking and crying and thinking even more today and I was like there are no memories like that for me.  

My memories are of being left out.  My memories are of not being enough and not being valued.  The one time that the kids and I went to the beach with her.  It was awful.  We went for a walk on the beach she ended up walking with Laurel, I was alone.  It was my birthday and I got a mouse, yes a computer mouse.  I was heartbroken.  The only thing that I wanted to do for my birthday was walk out on the pier.  Other things were more important and I never got that walk.  Those are the memories that I have.  There are no cruise pictures, no happy memories. No moments of togetherness to remember forever.  No warm pictures in my mind to ease my heart. That is more than hard to get my head around. 

I am tired about hearing about Carly and all the things they shared when she has treated my daughter as less than for a big part of her life.  I don't want to hear all the wonderful times they had, when all I heard was how much Carly was not liked.  How she was not kind and disrespectful.  There were never any good things about her, and yet to hear the stories about her and my mother is more than hard to listen too. I feel more than awful for Mariska who was more often than not left out.  Even the one thing they did every year was go to Cake Carousel and do some Christmas cookie class.  This year she invited Carly.  Something that her and Mariska always did just the two of them, but not this year.  Then she had to cancel it and that was a last impression Mariska had.  How sad is that

I can only think of a few good memories , and if I don't move on quickly they are clouded in disregard and self-centeredness. 

  I am not sure I was ever really loved, and that is a pain that I can't even comprehend. Just an invisible girl I am going to sit and listen to the birds and cry until I can't cry anymore.