Safe Place

I am not even sure where to start or if I have the right words but its been coming up more and more lately.  When I tell someone that this is my safe place , they hear the words but they don't really get it. And its not intentional its not something that they mean, but none the less it hurts.  Because when you have grown up never having a safe place when you do actually find that one safe place; that is huge.    Not just your everyday I have a place, it's like oh my god,  I found the yellow brick road huge. I can be comfortable in my own skin huge.  I can totally be me with no exceptions.  And when people do things  that makes that safe place go away, they don't understand the implications, it hurts like hell because its something that you have never had before. For someone when you were the safe spot and when you let unsafe hurtful people in to that place that was your everything your safe place your place to be whatever it was that you need to be,  it changes things forever.  Because if it was understood what it meant to have that safe place, things would be different.  I am not meaning to say they can not do whatever they want.  I want them to understand what happened I want them to understand what its like to have your safe place totally ripped out from under you and to that heart that has never known a place like that it feels like such a betrayal.  If you knew and understood what that place meant to me why in the world would you shatter that by having someone who has hurt the other person so much come into that safe place like its nothing.  For them its nothing for me its more than hurtful. I want a consideration of feelings and an understanding.  I can see the eye rolls and thought bubbles about how stupid it is that just is representative about just how unaware of someones feelings that they are.  I do not want to tell them what to do who and what they can have.  I know that, they are not mine.  I just want an understanding and I am not sure that there will ever be one because there is no understanding of just what that safe place meant. 

I want more than anything for people to get it to respect where I have been and I just don't know how to get there. 

I want people to understand, where I am coming from why my heart is hurt and why I am not sure that things can ever go back.  There is no understanding, and no concern for what happened and where I am where I was left at the end. 

I heart your heart 

To learn

 Always different

 Me, All the time

Just want to be comfortable in my own skin

 Great, I want to find it <3

 A person can't say things that hurt your heart and then ask why do you feel that way ??

 

 Yes, REST 

 I want to feel enough, I don't 

This one is hard.  But I want it to be different .
There was once a response, I don't understand what happened ?? Its more than hurtful

Yes, this 

 I think that I will always be different, Always sometimes that's ok sometimes not ok

 Oh, this one.  More than ard.  I hold on too tight.  I expect to much .

It's in the little things.  And I notice all of them.

 I need to get this. A bat might be easier.  I don't want it to be true, I want it to be different, I want it to be like it was before.

I am always me, there is no other.  I am who I am all the time.

Space for myself, where I am, who I am.  Those things have to be ok.  To the right people they will be right ? Not when its convenient but all the time ??

My greatest sadness.

All that matters s to make a difference.  For my heart to mean something to others.

 





Its also a lonely tiring place.

YES.

What a few years, better than ever, and feelings I don't know.

 I may look like I am holding it all together.  There are pieces that crack, when you are unkind!

 Yes, Just this.  Nothing better than just you not the one you think others want to see just the you in your own skin happy, sad, spunky boring, All of it !!!!

 More than hard.  Why would someone not be careful with someone else's feelings ??  I do not understand.

I am getting better, but still so many sorries <3

Yes, but those things that eat you alive are often things that can't be spoken.

Different and changing,  I need to be ok with that that

Maybe I put to much in certain people.  But IF you are kind, nice loving I tend to hold on for dear life,  I need to believe that I am enough where ever I am.  Yes things can get messy sometimes but those times are not forever.  I will find my place, I will find my way.   






I heart your heart.

Naming it

Yes I am sure that this is the worst part  , the part where the things that you are going through are no longer recognized.  Many do not understand that yes it may have happened many years ago, but there are parts, there are many parts that hang on that stick around that affect every single part of who we are.  People think its a light switch a choice and there is a choice to fight to heal but the effects those are not choices that we survivors make.  I think that is the part that I struggle with almost constantly.  The being ignored.   The being looked over.  The people pretending that the things you are going through are not important, I can not even begin to tell you how much that hurts and that is a piece that I struggle with over and over every day every year every second.  The pain that is in my heart not being acknowledged.  No one asks hows your heart; are you ok.? A simple question how i your heart, Are you ok ?  That makes me more than sad.  I know that I have come a really long way.  I have worked more than hard to get to where I am.  I have fought my way out of a deep dark hole.  People have said the meanest cruelest things and I have kept fighting.  I share, I put my heart out there to make a difference.  I want people to see that they can make a difference that they can notice, they can speak up that can make the difference for people.  And there is no acknowledgment, nothing for me.  And there comes a time when you just have to name it.  I did that , today I named it and I shared anyway.

Today Bill Cosby was found guilty,  and I can not tell you how that made me feel to know that someone got justice, that things that were done were noticed, validated and something was done about it.  THOSE are the things that matter.  So I shared a post and named it, just as I see it.

<3 I will keep sharing. There will be no acknowledgement, that has to be ok and I will keep sharing. 

THIS. This is IMPORTANT 

Yea, I know this stuff is heavy, but the #METOO movement is heavy

and maybe when survivors don't have to carry the weight on their own,

 things can truly change, things will truly change. 

SO I am going to keep naming it.  And one day, one day all that I have 

been through, all that has happened is going to mean something.

And one day, someone will hear me and and I will be seen I will be recognized 

yes, even all this time later. 

Even for the 100th time

even when things seem great

Someone will see, and they will ask about my heart. 

SO, I am not going to share and think maybe someone will see, maybe someone will notice. 

I am going to name it, I will keep sharing in the hope of reaching others 

 someday, someway, somehow 

I will feel less like just my story and more like me. 

More than my story,More than a crime, 

I remember being told once from the court system

I was just a witness. 

I was crushed,  I was so much more than that.  

It has taken so long, and I have a long way to go, 

today I know that I am not fighting alone.  There are so many others and whether others 

name it or not.

That doesn't mean it isn't there and it isn't important.

Just being on the other side I have a unique view,  and I will always speak, always share

and I promise to keep fighting trying to make a difference

if people listen or not.  It has a name 

We have a name and we all have a responsibility. 

And this quote these amazing words that I found. This. 

“You tied me up, and tortured me. Not just physically, but metaphorically. You raped me, over and over again. To you, it was nothing more than a sick, and twisted game. But you destroyed my mind, and shattered my soul. I will never, be the same.”
-Little girl speak

  I heart your heart    

I <3