I'm IN

 

There are so many thoughts, feelings, and doubts swirling in my brain, and there is a peace, a determination, a drive that just doesn't stop. 

Friday June 5, 2026 I had my interview for the Ph.D program. I was more than excited, not sleeping the previous 2 nights. How was I going to convey just how important this was to me, and that this was something that I knew I was meant to do? They told us they would let everyone know within 7 days and that we would receive an email. 3:11 I saw the email: Congratulations, you have been accepted into the program! 

My fear when I started my master's was that I had not yet completed my own work!   I was always so afraid that somehow counseling others would heal my own heart.  I didn't want to do this to heal myself; once I started seeing clients, that was so not the case.  I was able to separate my own healing from counseling others. I was proud of myself and knew I was doing the right thing. My master's program has been everything amazing, I have met professors that I will forever keep in contact with and reach out for guidance. But the truth is that being in the master's program did help my own healing. I think the day I decided to continue with my master's was the day I realized I needed to do something. I didn't want to drown in the things that have happened to me. I wanted to make them mean something. As much as I wish that things were different, as much as I wish that I could change things and make them different, I can not. But what i can do is move forward, make a difference and give meaning to the things that I have been through. Wounded healer, could not be more fitting. I am wounded; there are parts of my heart that will forever be tender, but there is also a piece of me that has moved on and is ready to fight for others. I am not saying that I am done, I have work to do on sweet spunky, that brave, amazing part of me that helped me get to this point. But there is a healed part of me that is strong and brave and so determined to do things differently. Getting my Ph.D. and being admitted into the program is a dream come true and means more than I could ever explain in words.  So many things have gotten me to this point. 

Undefeated by Freya Ridings 

I stand here broken

but never beaten

if my heart is open

I'm undefeated

I have been knocked down

but I am still breathing

if my heart keeps going 

Even with a tidal wave of fear in my chest

I'm undefeated

I am undefeated 

I stand undefeated

I am undefeated

And I stand like I'm still a champion

anything could happen

And I feel that magic now

Oh all of the things that I feel right now, Magic would be one of the first words. I feel like I am on the right path, like I can see the healing I have done that has led me here, and I am more than excited to start this next chapter, continuing to heal myself and others. I do worry about the days I might feel like I am drowning, but I have to remember this moment and how far I have come. It's one of those moments when so many moments of struggle and despair come together, and there is a realization that the things that tried to break you didn't, and you're still here, standing, doing all the things that you never imagined. I am still not done. I will continue fighting for Spunky, but I am so on my way, and she is closer than she has ever been.  She will make it, she will join me, and we will do this together. She deserved so much better, and she is going to be with me through this program, so we can do better for others

I heart your heart

She Suffered Beautifully

 

Yes, yes, this.  She suffered so beautifully that no one knew she was suffering. She was dying inside, and no one knew. She would smile, take care of everything she had to do, then cry herself to sleep, hoping things would be different for her tomorrow. There was a place somewhere inside of her that knew she deserved better, and she refused to let go.  So many times that 13-year-old girl would have given anything just to stop breathing, just make the pain and suffering that she felt disappear.  But still she held on.  How did she survive such brutality and keep her kind soul?  I ask myself that all the time, and all that I can tell you is that she noticed the little things. She had a spark that even in the blackest of black spaces, a part of her held on for dear life. In her suffering, she noticed the little bird out of the car window. In her sadness, she looked for rainbows.  In her pain, she made sure that others were safe. She always loved the little things in life, and that is what kept her going. No one cared to notice the sad girl who was in front of them; they blamed things like puberty and hormones. They blamed the girl who was different and noticed things that others didn't. They blamed the girl who had to grow up before her time and just pretended that everything was fine.  She had pretended her entire life, so being gang raped at 13 was no different for her. This was her life. This is what she was meant for: just keep breathing. Through it all, the suffering never stopped. She never lost her kindness; she never lost sight of the beautiful little things that were all around her. She noticed the lightning bugs, and the caterpillar, the way the rain hit the window, and the Shar-Peis that lined her wall. She loved the beat of the song and played it until it reached her soul.  That is how she survived so beautifully.  She did it with no one holding her hand, telling her that she was going to be ok. She did it alone in a world full of millions of people who should have done something. She survived the unimaginable through the little things the world gave her in the deepest, darkest moments. Sometimes all I can see is the blackness, the cluelessness, the brutality. I am learning to see her differently. She suffered more than anyone can imagine. So yes she is different, she cries, she feels everything deeply.  The depth of her pain and the depth of how she views life comes from that girl who suffered so beautifully that no one on the outside noticed. I am so very grateful for that girl. I am her, and she is me.  

I heart your heart