When fathers day is heavy

 

This year, Father's Day hit differently than it has in the past. It held a sadness: a quieter awareness for me of all that I never had, all the things that my children never had, the amazing father that my son is, and how he is impacted by not having a dad or any kind of role model to look to. It felt like this merging of all the places, things, and events that have led me to this point. There was a sadness for what I didn't have, a breaking of my heart for my own children, and another breaking for Vincent, who wonders what the things that he thinks and feels as a father are, not having a father, and having to deal with all of the things that go with that. 

It was the night of Father's Day, and I even found the courage to ask Mariska if it was hard for her, and she said yes, sometimes. I am sure I could hear my heart hit the floor.  I tried to speak, heard my voice crack, and waited a minute. I asked what made it hard, and she said she didn't know and changed the subject. I wanted her to come sit next to me and ask all the hard questions that she has in her heart. I don't even know if I could answer them. I don't know if I would have an answer to put her heart at ease, but at least it would be named and spoken, and I hope that alone would make a difference. 

I think a huge difference for me this year is Vincent being a dad. I see just how important that his daughter is to him.  I love how he knows her, what she likes, and what she doesn't. He knows her schedule and what makes her happy. They both light up when they see each other. How she melts on his shoulder, and he just is there with her, it's beautiful.  Getting to be a part of that is something more than awesome. On the flip side, my heart breaks for my children; they have a burden that I feel with every inch of my being. They never had that, and often I feel like I am not enough. To know that it has had an effect on Mariska is heartbreaking. There are so many things I want to say, and I just don't know how to say them. I will forever be sorry with all of my being. I know that it has affected Vincent, and I don't even know how to talk to him about it.  How does a mom tell her children the most precious things to her in the whole world that came from something violent, but for me, they are all that matter?  So many questions, and I feel like that elephant in our hearts is getting bigger, and I have to find a way to bring it up and let them know that everything is already alright. I have them, and that is all that matters to me. 

I heart your heart