I can carry us home

I heard this song, and the tears started flowing. I can carry us home. A song about grief and how it changes you, how it affects you, and the impact on everything after that moment. This song could not be more perfect for that 13-year-old part of me that has tried to do everything on her own for her entire life. She has lived lifetimes and is closer to me than she ever has been. For the first time in forever, I think she may even be in the same room with me.  I have pictured her out on a couch, sitting alone, thinking about all the things that she never got; all of the things that have been done to her. She has sat alone, trying to figure out everything she has done wrong that has gotten her to this point. She has this forever-long pointer finger pointing at herself for every fault, every decision, every pain that she has encountered.  Finally, I think we are in the same room. Tell me your story, and I will tell you mine.  Everything is already alright. We are so alright, and I haven't felt that in the longest time.  There is this sense of peace that I have longed for for so long. It's such a soft place to be after fighting for so long. Today I found out that I passed my exam, I had supervision, and I am so proud of my work with clients.  I am here because Spunky helped me survive.  I am here because I wanted better and knew that someday we would get there. She is that quiet force that always kept me going, that always believed that there was more. She would much rather be in the shadows, making magic. With each heart that she touches, it's another healing stitch in ours. I wish that I had better words to explain, but this is what I have. We live in this place of grief where there is so much loss.  We lost who we were as people.  We lost things we never knew were ours to be had. Despair and sadness followed us everywhere, and yet we have always had each other. I have always been so afraid of her bravery, her strength, and seeing things differently today is something there are no words for. I can carry her home.  Her story won't break me, and I will be ok.  She will be ok, and together we are unstoppable. 

I heart your heart.