Missing

Those times when it feels like something is missing.  When things aren't going your way , no one is checking on you and there isn't one person to tell your heart that everything will be ok.  Those times,  they are not fun I keep thinking its ok something will change, the sad the lonely all those things will go away .....and then they don't. Work is different this year,  there are a lot of students and not enough time, I go to work early and leave late to get things done and planning what is that .  I feel like I am burning at both edges, and I just have to pull it together.  Suck it up keep smiling and tomorrow will be better. Not this tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow then its another tomorrow and another and another. And things are not bad, its just this heart, there is a longing for ones to ask if I am ok for people to check on me.  The past has felt heavy and I just don't want it to be anymore. I don't want to be that heave person that people dread, that people stay away from and yet I AM. I am that person.  Because I can't fake it, I do all the time I smile everything is fine, but underneath there are storms rising sometimes they subside other times they turn into Massive storms and I cry myself to sleep.

Just like me enough

What a rough few days. My heart is heavy and no one is listening. These days have hit me harder than I ever imagined and days that I have realized a few things.  Sure, I am liked but not enough. Sure I am liked but not enough to be a part, not enough to be remembered not enough to be remembered when so much is in the news and not one person asks how  are you ? Are you doing OK ? Not enough for that. I think a big job for me in this life is making sure that people are OK. Making sure that they do not have to feel the things that I have. My job is making sure that those things don't happen to other people, I care for their heart. I think about them first.  And for me, well I should get used to it. I am not thought of first or at all.  I even sent a text because someone had been on my mind and it was like oh was thinking about you the other day.  Then please please let me know that is all I want. A few words. Been thinking about you.  Four words to be exact. I will not ask anymore.  I want someone to check in on me, give me a hug.  These things in the news are big and heavy and no one is listening.  NO one is checking to see if they have an impact on me and  how I am.  Right now I am sinking, barely keeping my head above water!

That Is the problem , that Is the fucking problem.  CARING .

I have already done the mulch in the front yard, pulled those ever present weeds.  And still the anger is seeping. I am alone and beyond words.     

Heavy heart

The problem lately is that I feel like I am not enough.  I miss my little house where there was enough everyday. I was enough for my children,  there was enough money. My heart where it was, WAS enough.  When everything was enough.  Feeling not enough weighs on you  and what does a person do ?  I don't have a clue but if you find out please let me in. 

Just kindness, and actions that meet words

Things said , you know sometimes people say things and they don't have a clue. I am more than tired of church people ( not all just me experience) talking about people being broken and talking about god and the bible and meeting them where they are and not forgetting about them. It's all a bunch of bull shit.  I have first hand experience and I am not remembered, nor cared for or thought of. And it makes me want to scream. People talk about these things and it sounds great including everyone, and being part of a community but really if you have nothing; out of sight out of mind.  I have seen this too many times and I am done.  Someone talking about putting a string on their finger to remember those that are not our favorite or have things going on and its a bunch of crap. 

How about just be kind to people. How about, just a message saying hello thinking about you.  Those are the things that mean the world and take so little effort.  I am more than frustrated , because I just don't understand.  How about we all just be good people.  Because if you have to keep talking about remembering those that are broken and then you don't it's something that looses any meaning that it might have had.  And not for the person that is saying remember the broken; its hard for the broken for the hurt, because they are alone and words mean nothing.  Its when there is something behind those words.  Maybe for others there are actions behind the words and oh I am more than happy and I hope that those words have actions behind them for those people.  But for those people who hear the words and have nothing , no checking in no hello it hurts more than words. 

I don't need lectures about church and religion I can say at 43  I have tried 120%, and I am left 100% of the time.  I won't try anymore.  I gave my all and nothing.  Out of sight out of mind.  I tried again and again and again. Heartbroken. I I am done.

Holy Cross

Nothing safe and sound, nothing but abuse and power.  Seeing the same people that have raped you receive communion then talk about forgiveness....I am the outcast, the one who doesn't take things word for word, the one who wants answers.  Blacksheep, nothing being left to fend for yourself.....So I did. I would not be a part of something where abuse after abuse happens and nothing is done.    

The Corners : 

 Gave my all, disbanded got lost in the confusion. Lots of lying.  Fake people. Heart broken Heartbroken

The Ranch: 

Same thing once again New pastors came in like bulldozers, I was crushed more people leaving, friends that were not,  I got left further and further behind. Heartbroken, crushed, changed 

Gateway: 

There with friends, they left alone again. Gave my all to the nursery no care and concern for what I was going through, even talked to pastor, no response really didn't understand where I was coming from, I so tried. Knew this wasn't my place.    Crushed as expected 

Mercy church 

   I thought I found a place, I found a pastor that met with me that heard me but was way beyond busy and there were more important things for him to do.  I found a group of amazing people and slowly slowly things started to slip away, to many questions,  I felt heavy and like I was too much I became distant and then I sent him an email he is no longer a pastor , that once sweet place was gone......CRUSHED  HEARTBROKEN.........DONE 

I have had my heart broken enough times in this world and I am not willing to do it anymore. I am not willing to be a part of something that is only going to add to my heartbreak and hurt.  I want people who are true and real in each and every situation not just in church.   Kindness at all times that is what matters to me.  Being remembered, being thought of.  I am even done asking for what I need even the small things like letting me know if you think of me.  For my bruised battered heart that is all that I have asked and its been to much.  So I have to be ok with that as much as it hurts. There are no forever's.  I say what I mean and I will always always remember people and say hello thinking about you because I never want the people around me to feel what I do. I will remember the anniversaries, the important dates because I know those things matter. Even those far away just say hello hope you are great.  Even if they aren't ok your words can make a difference for their entire day.  I will not pretend to fit in somewhere anymore. I am just going to be me, show kindness everyday, let those I love know what they mean, hold my true friends close,  and live, love and laugh lots.  Oh Someday I hope to remembered for those times that I just wanted to say hello and thanks for all you do. Someday.  But NOT Today.

I heart your heart. 

What's Underneath

There are so many things and all I can think is you have no idea what is underneath. I am hanging on for dear life, begging for a life raft. The things that are in my heart; how alone that I am; how different that I feel. How I watch to make sure that you have good intentions. There is no one to reach out to so I struggle and grasp for any thing that might be an answer. Behind everything that I do there is a worry that I am going to do something wrong that I am going to make someone mad or upset.  I think am I saying the right thing, do I sound stupid, do I really know what I am talking about.  There are times that I do know what I am talking about, that I do know what's best and it sounds so foreign coming out of my mouth. There is always the second guessing, do I really know ?  Should I just shut up !!  Yea those things that I think in my head.  I feel like each and every day there are all these little eruptions, that are more than waring. The PTSD and OCD are huge right now and that makes everything that I do 100 times harder.  The ANXIETY right now is through the roof.  I am struggling just to have the normal everyday things done.

I don't think that people understand how hard that those normal life things are when you are fighting the PTSD and the OCD and the anxiety and what I hate the most is the depression. It takes more than I have to do all the things that I need to do in a day, and some days I am frailing and there is no end in sight. But I do it all and people don't see or want to see and understand the constant struggle. I find myself crying over nothing and I hate it, whether I am in the car or petting the dog on my bed. I feel like right now everything is hard ! Home is hard, my job, money, all the things that need attention on the house that there isn't money for.  I so hate money, being in this house there just isn't enough.   I miss my perfect house when I had everything I needed and there was money if we needed anything.  The responsibility of this house is crushing, and I feel every ounce. Every Single Ounce.  The kids being in high school year I feel that in my heart, the heaviness, I want to hold on t these years and enjoy them and Vincent makes that rough.  I breathe and it bothers him,  Mariska worries about me way to much, and is more like me than I want to admit.  I just need a little easy, I want there to be enough ! Enough of me to get it all done enough money to get the things that we need. I just need to be enough.  Right now I don't feel like I am enough of anything, and I am so trying.

I heart your heart.

Relationships

Yea once again so many words and where do I begin.  Vincent and I struggle.  Having my mom live with us is hard.  She gets in the middle and Vincent is different.  I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to make it better.  And this morning Vincent was up, he let vivi outside and I was like oh thanks and thought this would be a time for us to connect and to talk, so I went down stairs and nothing.  I tried to have a conversation, tried what I knew that he liked and I got up and started to clean the kitchen.  At times there feels like there isn't a connection there.  I mean there is he is my son and I love him more than he will ever know but he does not treat me kindly a lot and there are the looks and sneers from my mother always making excuses and sticking up for Vincent and it makes things more than hard and I don't even have a clue how to make better.  Often times in the house its like there is this line drawn and its Mariska and I then Vincent and Granny.  All I know is that when it was the three of us things were not like that.  It was the three of us.  And When I talk about my family I think of the three of us. She was not a part of my family for a long time, and there are things that hurt.  There are things that she would like to pretend didn't happen and didn't break my heart but they did and today they still hurt.  SO I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I want that same relationship with Vincent and I don't know how to get it back.  I see so many things from when I was growing up and things that she did with my brother, how she made excuses for him and tea lets look at my brother.  I have so nicely asked her please you have got to stop making excuses for him.  There are things that are not ok.  He is disrespectful to me all the time, it doesn't matter what I say and that is not ok.  He is not just helpful I have to ask and everything is an attitude and and she says nothing,  its so hard and I don't know what to do or have any one to go to.   I often feel that he hates me,  like I can do nothing right, he is only happy when he is getting something when money is being spent and that is something that there is very little of.  I can't for the life of me even say anything about my mom because he can't even hear it, and tunes me out.  I guess all this to say I miss my family the three of us.  We will always be the three of us, but I so miss the things that we had on Creekview, and it makes me more than sad.

I heart your heart .