What's Underneath

There are so many things and all I can think is you have no idea what is underneath. I am hanging on for dear life, begging for a life raft. The things that are in my heart; how alone that I am; how different that I feel. How I watch to make sure that you have good intentions. There is no one to reach out to so I struggle and grasp for any thing that might be an answer. Behind everything that I do there is a worry that I am going to do something wrong that I am going to make someone mad or upset.  I think am I saying the right thing, do I sound stupid, do I really know what I am talking about.  There are times that I do know what I am talking about, that I do know what's best and it sounds so foreign coming out of my mouth. There is always the second guessing, do I really know ?  Should I just shut up !!  Yea those things that I think in my head.  I feel like each and every day there are all these little eruptions, that are more than waring. The PTSD and OCD are huge right now and that makes everything that I do 100 times harder.  The ANXIETY right now is through the roof.  I am struggling just to have the normal everyday things done.

I don't think that people understand how hard that those normal life things are when you are fighting the PTSD and the OCD and the anxiety and what I hate the most is the depression. It takes more than I have to do all the things that I need to do in a day, and some days I am frailing and there is no end in sight. But I do it all and people don't see or want to see and understand the constant struggle. I find myself crying over nothing and I hate it, whether I am in the car or petting the dog on my bed. I feel like right now everything is hard ! Home is hard, my job, money, all the things that need attention on the house that there isn't money for.  I so hate money, being in this house there just isn't enough.   I miss my perfect house when I had everything I needed and there was money if we needed anything.  The responsibility of this house is crushing, and I feel every ounce. Every Single Ounce.  The kids being in high school year I feel that in my heart, the heaviness, I want to hold on t these years and enjoy them and Vincent makes that rough.  I breathe and it bothers him,  Mariska worries about me way to much, and is more like me than I want to admit.  I just need a little easy, I want there to be enough ! Enough of me to get it all done enough money to get the things that we need. I just need to be enough.  Right now I don't feel like I am enough of anything, and I am so trying.

I heart your heart.