More Gentleness, More Kindness ALWAYS

 You know I feel like a huge burden almost all of the time.  People say ask for what you need say the things that you want.  And I have done that. I can think if two really big things that took a lot and neither went well and that makes me sad.  Because the same people that made me feel like a burden were the exact ones that told me to ask for what I needed.  SO how does my mind wrap itself around that.  Truth is I don't think it does.  I just curl up in a ball and hope that the next time I get brave things will turn out better and I won't feel like such a burden. I have trouble thinking of a time when I wasn't a bother or a pest.  I feel like I am burden that all the life that I have lived is a burden for me and for anyone that I am around. There are going to be days when it comes at at speeds that I can't do alone , and I say then what ?  Then what am I supposed to do ???

 I feel like in my life I am always going to need people to be a little more gentle a little more Kind and a lot more aware of the things that they say and how they come across.  It's not ok to remind someone the hours and hours that they have given you when you know that they already feel like a burden and a pest in their everyday, which grows during the times when they have to ask for help. When you have felt guilt and shared that with them over and over and to remind you of the hours of they have spent on you,  I honestly feel like an inconvenience.  Not a good feeling. Don't tell someone I can't do this anymore when you just asked for some help.  Why is it necessary to say that you have never done those things and get defensive when I was just sharing straight from my heart.  People don't get it at all.  And sometimes, most of the time I just don't understand.  I feel awful that I feel so fragile sometimes, but that's just it. I need more, I think I will always need more and I hate feeling SOO guilty for that.  Is what I feel ok,  should I just suck it up.  Should I stop being so sensitive.Do I change everything that I am and pretend to be this strong person . There are parts of me that are strong , that is something that even I can not deny but there are still parts that are small and scared and need to be taken care of and when those two world come together I am more often than not left out in the cold. Drowning, and I feel as if I don't mater at all for any reason.  It hurts.

ALL...THE...TIME