She is so heavy

 

The me that was once 13, is so very sad.  She carries a heaviness that I often cannot find words for.  I am great at finding pictures for the things that she thinks and feels but getting those out of my mouth and into the open is extremely heavy.  She is a tortured soul that longs to be free.  She longs for someone to be there even on her worst days.  I know the things, I know that she isn't alone and that she is me and I am her, but the thing is she has always been the most far away.  As far away and alone as little Callahan was she is light years away from that.  She is afraid, of being hurt of being rejected of finding what she needs and being left.  She feels, thinks and believes that she is a burden.  She doesn't believe that she deserves the same things as others.  She feels so other than,  I can't imagine how she survived all that she did.  I know what little Callahan experienced and she had all of that and more.  The things that happened to her are unimaginable and take my breath away.  So many days I don't know how she always kept going. I know that is just what we do but this was something different.  This was something that made her want to literally die.  She wanted them to pull the trigger of that gun; that was easier than laying under that fan turn after turn after turn.  Even writing this I see those pictures that time and I wish that sometimes people could see the inside scars that line my heart from what she has had to live through.  My heart hurts every single day for her.  Her thoughts and feelings weigh more than a thousand elephants and she carries that every second of every day and I fear that there is not a way for her to ever totally be free.  I think there will always be parts and pieces that carry the weight of all the things she feels, and thinks. 

I am trying so hard to believe I am her and she is me but I don't want to be her.  I don't want to. I have all the pictures and memories and they don't lessen, they are there so very clear. The heaviness of her heart, there are even times she still feels what they did and that adds to the weight and there isn't a reason for that. I feel like she is back there frozen in the heaviness. I do think that she wants to get out of that time but she can't imagine anything else. This girl so battered so bruised feels like she is a million miles away and I wish that there was a way to include me in her life without being a part of everything that she has been through. 

It is more than hard with her to believe that she is me, because I don't want to be her.  I want her to feel loved and to be heard but to believe and feel like she is a part of me feels very far away. She is so sad all the time even in the good things because she knows that there is always something going to take it away.  There are so many feelings that I don't have words for.  I feel like talking about her I talk in circles because there are so many things I don't know and don't understand .  There are things about her I can't explain she fears being called a liar, she fears not being heard.  She is afraid all the time.  She is this shadow of a girl that just so wanted to be seen and loved. She wanted to matter.  I want to wrap my arms around her and help her believe in herself in everything that she is and I am scared.  Not sure that she would believe me, not sure that I am strong enough.  She feels more than foreign to me; the things she has lived through are unfathomable and break my heart.  There is nothing i can do to make it any different to take any of it away.  I feel like I talk in circles trying to figure her out.  Its so heavy wanting so much to make things different, wanting things to be different for a person and no matter how hard that I try I can never make that happen for her. 

I watched The Accused last night looking for something, that I can't put words too.  Looking for something to make everything that happened in her life ok and I still can't find it.  When I let things get quiet and think,  I want that moment when I can feel free.  I search for the moment when I feel complete and whole.  I search for the moment I feel light and joyful and proud.  I am forever searching for the moments when I know that I survived, I truly made it   and I will be ok.  I look forward to that moment the most when all the heaviness is long gone and there is only light. I have been struggling with the tears all week.  At any second it feels like I am going to fall to pieces.  I know this will pass, but in these times I feel like as hard as I work it will never be enough to get where I want to be.  That poor girl.  She was literally all alone in the world.  She needs so much , she needs things that she can never have and I don't know what to do with that.  I am needy and she is ten times that.  I think she could cry forever,  I think there will always be missing pieces of her heart that no amount of kindness, no amount of forever can fix and that terrifies me.  I can never find my very own happy place with her so very far away. It hurts when I breathe. My heart is heavy and the weight on my shoulders is insurmountable.  Someday, she will be free.  I want that for her, I want that for me until I can be her and she can be me. 

I heart your heart