New Beginnings

 

I want this to be one of those positive posts, full of rainbows and sunshine and right now I don't feel it one bit.  I am angry and sad and everything in-between.  I want to cry most of the time, and I am so angry at the hand that I was dealt.  I am angry that I am not done my healing journey.  Angry that I get attached, I am angry that I feel so alone. I am angry that I am mostly alone in the world. There is such a freedom I have now that I have never had before, and it seems with that comes feelings that I have never seen or acknowledged or even felt.  

I hate that so much has happened in my 46 years of life.  I hate that I still struggle with it all and feel such shame and I hate that I am still struggling.  I know there is no exact time table,  but that doesn't make it any easier.  . Sometimes I wonder if I am dwelling on things and yet I don't know any other way to be.  I have to somewhere find the balance between taking care of me and those things and living the life that I so desperately want to have

I hate that I could be called a co-spouse, I hate that I have a 34-year-old daughter I hate that I never had a father, I never had someone always on my side and I hate that I had a mom that didn't know how to be a mom. And all those things and I don't know how to let them go.  Such huge pieces of who I am. 

I love having a relationship with my brother, but I hate how triggering those things are for me.  Carly is awful, thinks she is fabulous and acts like a two-year-old. She acts like a girlfriend towards my brother and that makes me sick. She is fake and ingenuine, all things I am not good with. My brother says things and has no clue how they affect me.  He talks about taking a bath and Carly coming in and sitting on the toilet.  FUCK FUCK FUCK he doesn't see an issue with that??? I do not understand.  Different things that he says and how she hangs all over him I hate that, I don't even have words for how that makes me feel.   Jayden is crazy, something is not right.  Things are said and I am grateful that my children are not little because there would be no relationship.  His cousins were over, and Chris walked in his room and Jayden had the 4-year-old naked from the waist down.  That is not ok, and I do not know what to do.  I don't trust either one of them and being around them is more than difficult.  I want my brother around, but my brother is also unable to see how unhealthy that some things are.  He says things that stab me like a knife, and he has no clue who I am anymore.  He hasn't known me in a long time, and the things that he thinks he knows are things he has heard through our mom.  That is more than tough.  We are building a relationship back that we never had the change to build in the first place. Even all that has happened in this life has more than complicated the relationship that we have. 

Vincent is another story and I feel like there is a hole in my heart.  He is more than disrespectful, and my breathing bothers him.  He has this attitude of entitlement that I don't understand. I worry all the time if I am doing the right thing.  I worry about him more than words and try oh so hard and it seems that sometimes I am fighting a losing battle.  He has to make the choice and take responsibility for his actions.  He talks about how he is almost 18 but fails to see the big picture.  A little niceness goes such a long way with me, and he has yet to figure that out.  

I am grouchy I am sad; I am so angry that I feel less than all the time because of the things that have happened.  I am forever grateful that I could always see the lighter brighter side of life to get me through, but the fact that they even happened to a little girl is tearing me apart.  I am glad that I didn't shrivel up and die because that would have been the easier option for way too many times.  But fighting all the time is hard and such a struggle.  Because you know all the things you want for your life, and there is that nagging less than victim in the background screaming to be noticed and to matter.

I have come so far with little Callahan, and she is free, she has a joy that she has never known.  Somehow, she deserves that but not sure that I do?  I am easing up a little on that 13 year old, and that is terrifying and more than hard.  Because so many choices that I put on her shoulders were not really her choices at all.  I DO NOT want an easy life; I do not want life handed to me on a silver platter.  I want a breather and someone that can handle my life and do it with me, beside me and not run away.  I am so tired of being alone.  

My kids graduate this year and will be moving forward starting their own lives and I will be here, alone and that scares me more than almost anything, I think.  I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to grow old with someone and share my life.  I want to share parts of me that I have never been able to. 

I want my life to be more than the things that have happened to me.  I want to let go; I want to be free.  I want there to be more on my mind that merely surviving.  I survive well, and fit nice and neatly into that box.  I am terrified stepping outside of that box and becoming more than a victim, more than a survivor.  I think sometimes being a survivor, trudging through is what was meant for me.  I have not learned the art of letting it go.  Yes, it happened yes it mattered yes it changed me, but I have to realize that there is so much more to me than those things that have happened.  There are so many more pieces and yes, the survivor part is never going to go away never going to be a lost piece, but I have to find the me that is under all that; that wants nothing more than to live free.  To laugh, to jump into life and not know everything. I want to risk, and love and create and do things differently than I ever have before.  With my mom passing the weight that has been lifted is so great and I need to step into that and find what makes me happy.  I need to step into all the things that I want and make all my crazy dreams come true.  I don't know what time holds for me but I know that I want more.  I want more from the people around me I want more for myself.  

I think of my favorite words from Tich Nach Hahn when he talks about the dandelion.  And how it will hold your smile for you.  That if you can at least see that the flower is holding it for you, then all is not lost.  That flower has held my smile for as long as I can remember.  But I want it back.  I will be forever grateful to that Dandelion but it's my turn to my smile and keep that happy.  

I know pieces are coming together, I feel so much weight lifted, there just is a lot to go and I want to go the rest of the way with someone willing to stay for no other reason than because I am worth it and they want to be there. To New Beginnings I heart your heart. 

I heart your heart.