What I want

 

There is a part of me that thinks, oh of course I know exactly what I want.  Then there is another part that I am not sure has a clue.  And then I think some of the things I want are so crazy what is the point of even wanting them. And that is where I am. 

It's been forever , take that back this may be the first time ever that I don't have to look over my shoulder about the things that I want.  That I don't have to worry about judgement or my mother thinking that my wants are stupid.  These are just things that I want for me, things that I want out of this crazy life that is mine.   Seriously the list terrifies me, so I am going to stick to the basics. There are some big ones and a few little ones but mostly the big ones...

I want to be in love. 

I want to have a houseful of children.

I want to be skinny again.

I want to be understood.

I want to feel worthy.

I want to feel important.

I want to be confident, 

I want to be an author.

I want to feel successful.

I want to be a wife 

I want to have my very own person 

I want a wedding 

I want to make a difference 

I want to feel like I am more than what has happened to me.

I want to feel strong

I want to feel joy 

I want to sleep peaceful 

I want to stand tall with no shame

I want to travel 

I want a dog trainer (HAHA) 

I look at these and they feel so big and overwhelming.  I am not sure that I deserve some of them.  I am not sure that some of them are meant for me.  I feel so much less than a lot of the time and that factors into everything.  I was looking at the picture and thinking and honestly, those balloons are still a little too close.  I know that there are going to be parts and pieces of my life that are never going to go away, they just are not but, that doesn't mean I have to have them so close ?  

I am sure that there is a piece of me that is terrified, because I have never known anything else besides my past.  You know like some people have happy something happens and it is lost but then the are able to find something like it again because they know what they are looking for?  I hope that makes sense.  Me, there was never a happy before.  I started out behind, and I struggle to keep my head above water trying to catch up to everyone else.  I never have known love, never known that innocent joyful love, some of the things that I want I don't even have a frame of reference for.  I am not looking for something I have had before.  I am looking for things that I am not even sure are a good fit for me.  That is where I get stuck.  I get so stuck because I see things different, I experience life different and it's really really hard to find people that can understand and appreciate that.  I know that I am intense, I know that I am a thinker, but I don't know any other way to be.  

Someday someday, I want to jump off that swing and have my feet firmly planted on the beautiful ground below me, enjoying all that there is in the here and now and not floating above as an observer.  I don't want to be on the outside anymore, I want to be a part and I want to find my very own happy. 

I heart your heart.