I am sad for Vincent. I am sad for Mariska I am sad for my brother. And for me there are moments of sad , moments when all the hope I held onto was for nothing. I think more than anything there a huge sense of relief.
For me there is a peace, there is a relief. There is a sad but its a sad because all the things that I held even a small piece of hope for can never be. I always wanted to hear that she was sorry that she would have done some things differently. I think that is where my sad comes from because that hope that I never gave up on, that hope that I held on too hoping that maybe just maybe someday she would love me like I needed to be loved, that is gone. The finality of that piece is huge, as a mom there were times when I so needed her and she wasn't there. I have found out many hurtful things and I am not sure what to do with those things because they cut like the sharpest knife and wounds that I believed were healed and scarred are open and oozing.
I have so many questions that will never be answered. There is an aloneness that I can't describe. Like even when she was here she hasn't been here for a long time. I can't tell you the last time that I felt loved and supported by her, and I always held on to even the smallest hope that somehow someway she would someday love me. There is an emptiness, that she is totally gone. The things I hoped for, never to be heard. I can't even remember the last real hug that I ever got from her. She would give me this fake, to do it but it wasn't real and that hurts.
People say they miss hugs and talks and some of those everyday things. I can tell you those are things that I haven't had in years.
Even one afternoon, my brother started talking about Alaska and how awesome it would be for all of us to take a cruise and bring her ashes. He was talking about different things he did and how awesome it was and my heart broke a little, no I am lying my heart broke a lot. I told him that I was not the cruise type. Of course, I talked about the whales, and that they can't even communicate with each other. He made some comment like he knew that that is something that her and I were supposed to do. He said that he just recently found that out. There was no point right now in explaining my thoughts and how that made me feel. He didn't know how she had always talked about that was one trip that the kids and I would take with her. He didn't know that she said unkind things towards him and I won't ever tell him. When she came back she said she wanted to show me pictures and I said no thank you. I was honest and said that my feelings were hurt. That did not go over well she didn't care and turned it back on me that she was 67 and I should be excited for her. Literally broke my heart. Not once could she think about someone else.
I am trying to stay busy, trying not to think about things to much because literally it just breaks my heart. There are so many feelings and yet I don't have words. I am kind of dreading going back to work, I don't want people asking how I am and how missed she will be because for me the overwhelming feeling is relief. I don't want people to ask about Christmas because it was heavy. I fear looking like the bad daughter, the careless insensitive one because people don't understand the things that I have been through these last few years, or my entire lifetime really. I feel like I could talk forever wanting people to understand my point of view and they would still never know. So many things said and unsaid so many things that I just don't have words for.
I am dreading her memorial service. Everyone talking about how wonderful she was and what a great friend that she was. There are parts of me that want to scream and explain to them that she was none of those things to me. I want to make them all stop and understand that I am not a terrible person, I want people to understand that I am hurt beyond belief and the person that they knew and the person I had experience with are two very different people. She hated the person that I was and the things that I stood for. It is already almost the new year and still no service scheduled, I am sure there is a huge part of me that is relieved.
As the days goes on things are not getting easier. I have so many questions that I know will never be answered. Is she in heaven ? Does she know how sad that I am ? Is she sorry for how I was treated? Does she wish that things were different ? Is she really watching down on us from heaven ? There is just so much, I realize that this s something that I have to do on my own. I was alone before she died and I am just as alone even more alone now that she has died because the hope that I held onto so tightly is gone, and that is the loss. Things that I so desperately needed, even wanted can never be.
Things remind me of her everyday, and its more than surreal. There are so many things that got on my very last nerve, that I don't miss but also make me remember her. Her scuffing around the floor in those awful slippers. How her toes never stopped moving, how she would come down stairs and say burrrr I am so cold every single day. At dinner when she would take the smallest piece of food and say I am jus going to have a little. ow she would hold out her arm and say look what the dogs did to me and I would get so annoyed.
A few weeks before she passed she came in my room and sat on the ottoman. She asked if I wanted to take a trip with her, I laughed inside because it sounded so absurd. She wasn't there in my everyday, why would going on a trip make it different ? I made excuses about the kids, and not sure where I would find the money . I do wish I responded maybe more kindly, but a trip taking care of her felt overwhelming.
She wanted to show me her pictures from Alaska I was honest and told her how hurt that I was that we were supposed to go on that trip together and I didn't want to see those pictures. She didn't understand, she made it about her saying that she was 67 I should be excited for her. She missed what I said, I shared my heart and she didn't acknowledge it. I was crushed, she always made it about her.
I think that there is a long way for me to go. I think that this is going to be something that will never totally go away. There are certain things that hit me when I least expect it and they hurt. I am sad for all that I will never have. I have learned the people that I can lean on, and the people that I can't. People that were my favorites that were silent in my grief, the last straw in the ending of a friendship. I have to learn to lean on those that are near and can care and hold my heart. I have to take things day by day. Take things as they come smile when I can, laugh when I find it and cry when I can no longer hold it in. I did so love her and it as so hard to show because life with her was suffocating. So much to unravel in my head, I will start small and keep moving forward.
I heart your heart
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