To be Whole

I am not sure I even know what that ever felt like, to be whole.  When you grow up  and everything you do is bothersome to people, I always was less than everyone around me, for no other fact than that is just the way that it was.  I was always a burden and I felt that every day.  I was always embarrassed of who and what I was.  From as early as I can remember, I was embarrassed about so many different things about me. Things from my arms, to my feet, to how I ate, to the things that made me smile.  I am not sure that ever being whole is something I know.  I think there are pieces of me missing, I think there are pieces of me that are damaged beyond repair. Some of those pieces will hopefully get softer edges and won't hurt so much but the damage is done.  

I was even watching Kinder do their wiggle break and they are so free, they just move and smile and dance I was not able to be one of those kids.  I was the one who had to watch look over her shoulder and not bring too much attention to myself.  I never just got to be that little girl taking a break.  I was always so self conscience, and don't really remember anything else.  To me that is crazy.  They just move and smile and enjoy themselves,  I could never ever do that. I watch these little guys in awe and think wow what that must feel like.  

I think that I have a picture in my head of what being whole looks like, but I see it as something that is meant for others.  People that are all the things that I am not. 

I hope that this year is the year for me; I feel a hope that I may find my whole.  That there is a peace to who I am and how I live my life.  I have been judged for so many things, all my life.  Its time that I worry about the things that matter to me, the things I want in my life.  The things that make me happy. The things that make my heart happy. 

My whole life I have felt like a bird with clipped wings.  And I don't want to feel like that anymore.  I want to feel like my wants and needs are important.  I want to feel like the things that matter to me are important and worthy and worth time.  I want my story to be about surviving and not be so ashamed.  I want to stand tall and be who I am and I want others to be proud of me for that. I want to want others to have me around, I want to be a part of something big and meaningful,  Maybe this year will be the year. My year when many more things fall into place and I can say what I need to say and feel what I need to feel.  

This will be my year,  this year will barely be able to hold the growth. 

I heart your heart