Yes that moment when you give up that moment that you swear you will never let happen again but it does. The moment that your mind, heart, body and soul all give up because there is not a thing for them to do to be safe. And its over before you even realize what happens and it hits you later sometimes days sometimes weeks later but it hits you and it kills you because you swore that you would never let it happen again. I had one of those moments a few weeks ago and its finally hitting me and its more than hard and more than frustrating. And it brings back all the other moments when I felt the same way and swore that I would never let anything like that happen again. When I swore that I would never just give up, But again I did, and I feel awful.There are moments in my life when I can remember the exact moment that I gave up, when I couldn't be hurt anymore I couldn't fight when there was nothing left. I just give in, and pretend that everything will be ok. I can remember it happening when I was 5, I can remember it happening in the van with Albert, I can remember it happening once at 13 and I can remember it happening with Charles. All moments that I will never ever forget. I hope that in time I won't beat myself up for those moments but right now I do. I just shut off, and I end up paying the price later and it’s a price that I can't really afford.
I was 5. I can remember the yellow walls in my room, and the curtains with that little girl with the wide brim hat watering the flowers with a goose at her side. I even remember the stream of water , and those oh so large flowers that were way too tall. The night that I was crying so hard my mother came in my room, she didn't know what was wrong. She couldn't console me or give me the help that I needed. I knew that there was no way for her to help me, as much as I am alone that is the most alone that I have ever felt. I knew that she wasn't available, I knew that her loyalty was too my father. They argued and she followed him out of my room. I walked out into the living room and saw the two of them together and I was in the most pain in my life and it was as if I didn't exist. In that moment my legs shaking, my eyes were burning, and my heart was breaking, but no one was there for me. I was watching them from around the corner. Shocked I wondered if she knew what he had done to me, I wondered why she was doing what she was. I knew that I hated that more than anything but yet there she was, I felt bad for her, like he was making her do the same thing. I knew that there was no one that was going to help me I knew that I was on my own and there was nothing that anyone could do or say to make it better. Knowing that at 5 is something I still can't comprehend I remember that moment and still see it like it was yesterday. Something that you never forget that you live with forever, and ever. The thought was so clear, I was alone and no one was going to help me.
The next two were the same when there is that moment that you realize how alone that you are and that there is no one that is able to do anything to help you. You could scream at the top of your lungs but really who is going to listen who is going to believe you? Once that is a feeling that you know, you realize very quickly the situations that cause it and there is a pause in your heart , "Please no not again", it’s a feeling of complete helplessness, not like ok well maybe we can fix this no its something so complete that it changes how you see things forever. These are the moments that you don't forget that create the person that you become in life and to know that feeling at 5 is something that is unimaginable. Having that feeling so young takes things that a person can get back.
It’s a moment that each time it happens you swear to yourself that you will never feel like that again, you will never allow yourself to be that vulnerable to feel that incredibly awful and you are not kind to yourself and say terrible awful things, like that makes it any better, or helps you in any way; it DOES NOT. Its just that you can't believe that you let terrible things happen again, that you swore never would. Such a double bind these moments when the whole world crashes around you. It's not the little feelings either like loosing your keys or being disappointed in a job, its so much deeper than that. This is one of those soul level things that rocks your core.
It was like that with Charles. I can remember the exact moment that I gave up and he won. And the feelings are so all over the place I swore that I was never going to let myself be treated like that again that I was worth more that I deserved better and still it happens and the world comes crashing down. The moment that the pillow fell on my face, I knew and that feeling was there and took over. I got lucky with this one, my world crashed but I was also more than blessed . Even in the blessing that sting still remains, it’s a rough one to figure out, to understand, to comprehend. This may be one of those that I work on my entire life. More than grateful for the blessings I received but the pain, the heartache are intense and deep. There are no easy answers and so many knots to untangle and sort, I am doing it though and won't give up.
These are just the life changing events that shape absolutely everything. You can never prepare for them, never be ready they just happen and you have to deal with the after affects. But I have to say this last one caught me way off guard and its taken me a few weeks to really process it and understand . It's something that I never expected, its something that I was having all these feelings about and couldn't understand why then again it hits you !!!! And a few pieces fall into place and you realize, yea those feelings again. And each time that feeling surfaces it brings back the others, feelings like this don't happen on their own they are attached to each one that came before, and the dread, the self hatred, the feeling that you can't believe, it happened again are all ever present.
This was one during my trip to DC. I was tense, things were hard, there were so many thoughts in my head there were so many things that I wanted to say, there was such a need to make a difference and I wasn't thinking much about my feelings my needs. I was carrying all my tension in my shoulders, it was pretty bad, I felt like my shoulders were up to my ears, they were in knots, I was uncomfortable. What people don't understand is that a lot of that is my normal. I am used to being tense to things not being comfortable, this was different more intense. A few people suggested a massage. For me a massage is not a comfortable thing, someone touching me is not my idea of relaxing. But someone kept pushing it, like adamant that they were going to make me feel better. I said no over and over and over. She would not let up, and there were so many emotions there was nothing else to fight and I gave in, I took my bra off and laid on the bed, and she gave me what she called a massage. That same feeling I gave in, I gave up she was going to do it regardless of whether I wanted to or not. And I kept telling her that it hurt. She said well it shouldn't. But I am not doing it hard , but BUT, BUT. She had no idea , and was not listening to me. Every muscle in my body was even more tense, and it made things worse. And I felt awful, and she kept making excuses. Really it wasn't that big of a deal it wasn't like any of the things that had happened in the past, only the feelings and the point where I totally gave up I knew that she was not going to let me be until I did what she wanted.
The part that was the worst, that I beat myself up for is that point where I give in, I give up and loose my fight. It feels like someone riped out my heart and is squishing my heart like a bug. Like what I want what I think what I feel really doesn't matter. I think that is a huge part of why I keep fighting so hard for others; for myself. Because of those moments when I lost my fight and was hurt beyond hurt down to the core. And it bothered me and every time that I thought about it the thoughts and feelings would boil. Then I finally connected the dots and realized , I was there to find my voice to have people listen and there she was trying to take it away. AGAIN. The exact thing that I was fighting for, was being challenged again. So hard.
That feeling has been all too common and I can not stand those moments when I just give up and I end up paying the price. And I can not risk that anymore. I will not stand for people not listening. Not hearing Not respecting my words. When I say something I mean it. When I am afraid I need you to respect that. What I have wanted, what I have needed, what is best for me has not been listened to. And when people have it’s a big thing, a REALLY BIG THING. A super important thing for me When those big feelings of helplessness happen so early, it is more than difficult to deal with and I am. But for others who don't understand some of the things I do; they seem stupid or are seen as overreacting but to me its just keeping myself safe, when your needs and wants have never been respected, and things have been taken regardless, that is not over reacting. I don't expect people to understand, wait I think maybe I do. I want people to at least TRY. More than that I do expect people to be considerate and gentle and just hear me, you might not understand the reasoning but I can promise you that there is one, even if I can't expain it or put it into words . Be a little gentler, a little kinder, I am going to get through this I promise, that is just what I do.
I heart your heart.
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