My Piece that I have to own

This is the one that I wish didn't exist. This is a piece that I don't want to own. This is my piece that i have to work on separate from my children. The part that is about me the part of me that woke up August 22 and just wanted to be normal. The part that believed things were finally getting better, that I was going to be OK. Yet again I was knocked so far back and so far gone that I almost didn't make it.

I woke up that morning, my mom was already at work.  I got on the computer checked my emails, then decided to get into a chat room.  One of the ones on Yahoo messenger.  I was more than alone. More than lonely.  I had come back from testifying in Boston and I was running from everything.  I didn't want to think, didn't want to feel.  I just wanted to be a normal girl and I was about as far from normal as a person could get.  At least when my case was in court there were kind people on my side,who wanted to talk to me about it all, people that understood me, I didn't feel like such a freak.  That was all over.  My father was still free.  Angela, I hoped was safe but nothing changed for me, no one was there for me, I was more than alone.  I was trying to deal with oh so much and obviously I was not doing it very well.  My heart was crushed.  I wanted my detective and Angela's attorney to just adopt me keep me safe and watch over me.  I still felt like that scared little five year old. But I was in my 20's and life was nothing like I had ever imagined.  I needed good attention, I needed love, I needed oh so much kindness and I wasn't getting any.  To outsiders, it was all over I should be fine.  NO one wanted to talk about it, no one wanted to acknowledge the things that I had done in the past few months. According to them it was all over, it was finished, all was well with the world.  But I was dying inside.  Slowly my insides were being crushed by my experiences of the last few years with detectives and a court system that wasn't listening to me.

  I just wanted to talk to people I wanted to feel normal. I wanted people to listen to me and hear what was going on.  I found that in chat rooms, or so I thought. I would visit lots of them, sometimes there was great conversation other times it was a bunch of creeps. Sometimes I knew that these people were not kind and not safe.  I am not sure that I took it seriously, it was a place that I didn't have to think about the world. I didn't have to think about all that was on my plate.  It was my escape.  So I woke up Aug 22, 2003  and got in a chat room.  Not even sure how it started, I ended up talking to a guy names Charles.  He seemed like an OK guy.  He had a house in McKinney, he worked for Raytheon.  We talked about everything and nothing all at once.  I felt like i wasn't alone and someone was listening. That is what I was looking for more than anything.  He said that he had two sons in high school, that someday he might want a daughter.  It was comfortable.  We talked for a long time.  He said that he had to go that he was going to Afghanistan as a contractor, and had to get some stuff.   I should have taken the out said goodbye.  I didn't we kept talking. I eventually asked if I could go shopping with him help him pick out things for his trip.   So many red flags SOOOOO many, and I ignored them all.  I regret to say there are many pieces here that I just don't remember, and that is hard I can promise you  I remember everything, but not this time. We were on video chat for awhile.  I have the picture still in my head.  He was sitting at a desk, a huge painting behind him, his shirt was off.  He was a big guy, very muscular.  I can remember asking what about his sons when he was gone, I am sure there was an answer I don't know what it was.  Then that wasn't enough, and we talked on the phone.  I get more than frustrated at myself, like things he began saying, I should have known so much and I just didn't.  So many things were going wrong.  In my head things were so right, I was going to help him shop, we were going to go to lunch.  I was thinking this is perfect, I am going to be normal and I can not even tell you how excited that I was.  I was going to forget about the last few months, forget about it all and just enjoy, some shopping and conversation.

We got off the phone, I said that I was going to get ready and he would come pick me up.  I was so excited taking my shower I can't even tell you.  Kind of what I imagine a first date would be like, that is exactly what I felt.  I had butterflies I was ready to go shopping have some lunch, this was my piece of normal.  My face hurt from smiling.  And I was ready, and I waited and waited.  Then he finally showed up, he had  gotten lost  but he was finally here.  He was tall over 6'4 he towered over me he smelled good, but I also smelled cigarettes and that was more than gross. He came in, he was physically so much bigger than me.  I was showing him around, we got to my room.  He noticed the mobile above my door, it was bright and colorful it was supposed to keep evil doers away.  He laughed.  And we ended up on my bed.

How did that happen in a matter of seconds.  We were going shopping Right? Right?

It happened so very fast my mind was still excited, I had this innocence like come on you big guy, what in the world are you doing....we are going shopping come on let's go. There are pieces of memory....little fragments of what happened next...I remember his feet, they were gross,  I remember him taking his shirt off.....thinking what in the world...... I remember seeing that bright mobile above my door......my clothes were off......

And I kept saying but we are going shopping, we are supposed to go shopping and I tried so hard, pushing him off, as all this is happening....and I know that I screamed, I know I did but I am not sure if anything came out at all.... he kept going.  Over and over I kept saying but we are supposed to go shopping, NO, over and over not this we are going shopping...

And that green pillow fell on my face....

And I knew. I knew what was going to happen, and I went away, way far away until he was done. This is what happens to me,  this is what I was meant for, I had asked for it.  And just like that I was gone. that pillow fell on my face, I knew.   My world went black.  Why was this happening we were going to go shopping I was going to help him pick out things for his trip...I really didn't understand...this wasn't supposed to happen to me anymore...

He raped me.

I was gone, I felt nothing, I was more than far away. In a place I learned to to visit often from the time that I was 5.

He was done, he got off, got dressed and was in a hurry saying that he had to go, I think his shirt was buttoned wrong.  I didn't say a word.  I grabbed a shirt and  followed him to the front door.  As he left he kept commenting on his shiny BMW, and that smile on his face, I meant nothing he never had any intention of going shopping at all.  And all I wanted was to be normal and all i got was all I ever knew, this is what I was good for.  I remember watching him walk to his car....my heart was crushed, I closed and locked the door.  I ran to my bed and cried, like i had never cried.  A sad that was from the very bottom of my heart.  And over and over in my head ....

BUT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO SHOPPING....I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND

I cried myself to sleep.  When I woke up, my body hurt, I cried more, took a shower before my mother got home from work.

This was my August 22, 2003.

My heart is so very heavy, I know this is my piece to carry but I don't want to. I don't want to own this, I really don't. I don't want this to be another piece of my story that I have to fit in.  I want to do things different, I wish that I wasn't so naive and innocent. So stupid.  I wish, oh I wish so very many things for this tender heart of mine....I just wanted a little piece of normal.  

I heart your heart.