The day that changed Everything

 

This day 19 years ago I just wanted to belong. I woke up a girl. Went to bed a mom. I wanted to believe that I was just a normal girl going for lunch and helping him shop.  I wanted to just be that fun, outgoing girl. Instead, this day changed everything about me for the rest of my entire life. Nothing would ever ever ever be the same again. There was the person I was On August 21st and the person I became August 22nd. Every single part of my life would be changed forever. One second there was excitement and joy I was going to be normal, the next;  pleas and darkness. The story of my life.

There is a part of me that feels lucky, my soul wasn't there for the assault. I never felt a thing. My body was there; my body experienced what he did, but I was far far away.  It is more than hard to have words for things that I don't fully understand.  That moment when my pleas were not heard, and I knew exactly what was going to happen.  He purposely put that pillow over my face and my entire world went black.  I was so far away. my body was there, like I have to say it again in my head to prove what he did; that man using me, but my mind and soul were gone. 
He was done and left the room going into the restroom across the hall. I got the wrinkles out of the bed, fixed my pillows.  I was in shock, I put clothes on, I can hear the conversations in my head telling myself that everything was fine, he would leave soon. He was mumbling, I remember looking at the ground and he was putting his sandals on he had terribly ugly feet. I don't even remember the words.  I was cleaning up, all of the sudden there was a rush, he left in a hurry talking about his shiny BMW.  I had tears rolling down my face.  We were supposed to go shopping, have lunch.  We were supposed to laugh and for a time I was going to just be a normal girl. He left I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.  I am a clean up specialist, clean up and forget that things ever happened.  That is what I tried to do.  

Not even two weeks later, the morning sickness started. I was pregnant.  

It was someone at work, that said I bet you ae pregnant.  I laughed it off ; then the realization hit.  I took the test and yes two pink lines appeared in seconds.  I laid on the floor and cried with my dog.  That was the only time that I cried.  The next day I can remember going into walmart getting Ginger Ale and saltines, I was standing there in express check out and I was excited, I was going to be a mom.  I can remember trying to catch a few people's eyes like someone how they should ask me about the things I was holding in my arms.  There was a sense of happy, that I only had when I was pregnant. 

Nothing else mattered really.  I was going to be a mom and they were the best part of me.  I didn't acknowledge what happened to me, Charles was non-existent in my head.  In my mind I was just a slut, this is just what happens in my life.  There were a few questions by others when they found out.  My counselor asked if I was drinking or doing drugs.  My brother was mad, I forgot the reason why.  I can remember he was in Breckenridge, and morning sickness and all I drove to see him.  No one knew the hell or what happened to me. I didn't even acknowledge it until after my children were in elementary school.  I could not acknowledge what happened to me and my wonderful, amazing children.  I still sometimes struggle separating the two.  What happened to me, and yet I love my children more than life. They are so intertwined together.  

No one spoke to me.  No one asked questions.  Even my first visit to see Dr. Cardenas, he asked about their father, and I started talking about mine, because Charles wasn't even a thought.  If people stopped to understand my reactions, they would have known the questions to ask, and I would have been treated differently.  My mother asked no questions, just made rude comments that were totally inappropriate.  My brother made rude comments. I was al alone in the world, with my sweet babies growing inside.  I was just a slut, and I took that as truth.  If I didn't want to be normal.  None of those things would have happened to me. 

I find myself thinking about why this day hurts so much.  Really, I wasn't hurt, I didn't feel anything. It wasn't even until years later that I could even acknowledge what happened.  And it wasn't until 17 years later that I realized he purposely put that pillow on my face.  Random pillows don't just fall.  I literally just went away.  I wish that I could just move on, and not have this hole inside because of what happened.  There are so many holes and sometimes I wish that I had a clearer picture.  I did get pregnant what kind of picture do I need? So many questions that I can't answer.  Some days I am ok because I have my two beautiful children. Other days, I am devastated because this is what I am good for.  I hope in time things will become clearer in my head, and I am able to find some peace.  There are going to be pieces I will never understand and that has to be ok too.  I am more than grateful for my children, and I hate what happened to me. 

I heart your heart.