Not searching anymore

Things , feelings, views things are happening that I can not ignore. That I am choosing not to ignore anymore.  I am an outlier things I have seen, lived through how I  have seen and see the world EVERY SINGLE DAY is different . Not so very different but different than not most but a lot and that is a lonely place to be. Finding people like me finding others with scars that aren't afraid to see mine or share theirs. Others who are willing to help when its needed the most. I can not tell you the amount of time that I spend trying to fit into someone else's box of who I am and what I should be over and things that I should do in life.

                            Well, I am done

 This heart of mine has been hurt and I am learning that its going to take forever to heal to be put back together the problem is that the things that I am longing for seem to be forever breaking my heart.  So there is break after break, and I just can not afford that in my life.  I can not let that happen anymore.  I thought I found my place and I remember saying that I would come back when I was ready. But there were things I was searching for that I didn't even know. And he said You do know you'll never be ready ? Its not about being ready its about being seen its about the scars that make me me. And I didn't say a word but I continued to think.  Maybe that was correct maybe I would/will never be

ready 

but where I am is exactly where I am.And I can promise you that most days, I don't like where that is but I fight. And in fighting its exhausting. oh there are just so many if's and buts

 people turning away sure isn't a way to help. People turn away because I don't fit in their world view, people can't deal with the scars. people can't deal with the me.  A completely complicated person that has so very many layers.  But the layers are thinning and I have been more ready than many others have been willing to admit or given me credit for.  I have put myself out there given my all, and my heart has been crushed.  I will not do that anymore.  I am ready for what comes I am open I am willing I am ready but I am also done searching.  My heart is tired, my mind often overwhelmed and with a birthday coming up , life is short and I will not keep searching to be let down and crushed anymore.  So I will BE.

 I will be open, I will find a peace in my everyday.  I will continue to meant my heart.  I will continue to share my journey and I will wait.  Wait for the good things that are to come.  And that's not to say I am going to sit back, give up and let what happens happen its more than that. SOOOO much more.  Its taking steps back and continuing to be open, and ready but letting others that are open and ready to do the same come find me.  Because I am here ready and will jump at the very opportunity but as for searching no, because it has felt more like searching to get my heart broken again more than anything and that is a risk that I need a break from.  If I were to find that perfect place tomorrow I would be all in.I give and give until there is nothing left.  That has a great toll, a toll that I am not willing to ignore any longer.

And in letting a few things go I am hoping that the good can come and find me exactly 

where I am.

Like Church, friends, belonging, safety, love.  I feel like that should be a sentence in itself.  It holds so much, and feels so very heavy. Honestly its been more bad than good.  And I fight I fight to be heard to be listened to, to fit, and I have truly thought that I have found a few places that were right where I fit.  But In my trying to fit and the disappointment and the sadness, and the longing I am the one that is left.  This is a huge one for me, and I have searched, I have, begged pleaded and even prayed.  Time after time I am left with the crushed brokenness of my heart in my own hands, and that is devastating to a person and its happened more times than I can even count.  I keep trying keep putting myself in that position again and when is that time when you say enough is enough ????

I think I am finally saying enough is enough.    

I just want to be someones first not someones second not someones fall back.  I want to be a favorite.  I have favorites and I want to be that for someone else.  Writing out the words are rough and so hard and more than chilling but that is what I wasn't.  I get burned each time looking for the things that I long for and now comes the time to stop trying because I can not will not risk a broken heart any longer.  I feel like I have come so far and done so well and then the crushing. It's over and over.  And its not like I am expecting never to be disappointed or hurt that is not it at all.  That's life, everyday life bad things happen people are mean people leave,  and of coarse everyone can not be your best friend. I don't want to be a left over a obligation, a poor me.  In my searching that is what I have become in so many areas.   I am not even sure that these words are going to make sense they still seem so very confusing to even me.  And I wonder does this mean I will be alone forever? does this mean that the right people and place will come ?  I don't have any of those answers, but in all the work that I have done in healing to get myself back I rely on others to stop the pain, to be the band aid, to help me I have searched out those things been heartbroken and continued to undo all that was done before.  Really that is like swimming uphill.  I will keep working keep learning keep questioning and I will care for this bruised heart, by undoing all the knots, doing all the work.  And what will come needs to come find me and I will be here open heart and all of me, all of crazy me,  its just that ....

The searching hurts to much when you have already come from broken. 

So please come find me.

I heart your heart.

Sigma : Find Me