I have not cried in the longest time, but things were catching up with me, there has been sadness, great deep heavy sadness but I would bury it under being busy at work or staying in bed or not writing not doing my art journals just going through the motions. I had so many plans this spring break to write to feel to read and I stayed away from all of those things until Wednesday. When I went back and saw Michael and know that is exactly what I need. And finally came the tears and the hurt and the feelings that I can not even explain with words.
And it started with a text that I received from one of my favorites. She wanted to let me know that Catrina and her family were there and she wanted to warn me as I would probably see photos, but she would be happy to hide them to make things easier. That she didn't want to hurt me. And thought it was a good time to remind me that I have an open invitation there also.
After I picked my heart up off the ground, I thanked her for warning me said yea just hide them. And reminded her that I would never invite myself that was just not in my bones. Goodness I love her and was more than sad. I felt crushed. But this was MY safe place.And my heart was broken. I was grateful for the warning but my heart. That was MY safe place, MY place My room MY safe sleeping place. Would it be ruined ? I pretended that it was fine, but took a bath that night and it wasn't fine. It was no where near fine. And I worried if I would still have MY safe place.
I didn't want to be a brat , that wasn't it at all. It felt like a huge betrayal and that somehow they (my favorites) weren't on my side. And I crave that more than anything. I need to feel like someone has my back like they will stick up for me and fight for me and protect my heart. I know they can have anyone that they want over to their house, but her someone who held my hand and promised things then threw me out the door ? But her ? Her who crushed my heart?? Everyone always ran to her, poor her all the time, when on the inside things were very different. She was one way if she was getting what she wanted but if you disagreed or didn't go along with her it was hell. I had to pay that hell often. I just never said a word, because I was more than grateful.
But really the hurt was much deeper than just my safe place. Because in the beginning things were different. She and her friends came and helped more than ever but truth is they weren't really helping me, they were helping her. Such a crazy hard thing to explain. Everyone was worried about her and what she was feeling and not once did others think about me. They had my things in the front yard being washed down, my boxes gone through, the kids stuff gone thru and things thrown away. Those were all my things. I was grateful to be out of one terrible situation, and had no idea the things that I would loose while I was there.
When I got the long term sub position and there just wasn't enough of me to do all that she needed and all the time it took caring for her son. As she traveled for work, ran races, dating, and visited friends. I was working full time taking care of my own children and her child and who was I to need anything ? She always said to ask if I needed anything. And the moments I did ask for help, she was more than upset and said that if he was such a burden; That she had been thinking and she just couldn't do it anymore....and wanted me out by the time she got back from Christmas.
Truth be told he was a burden he was not often kind and my own children were paying the price. I cried often trying to do it all, keeping things to myself because really where was a single mom and her two kids suposed to go ?? We had to put up with things and be grateful.
So I said ok and was out before Thanksgiving. Again that made her mad because things were not on her time table, who was I to make my own choices ??
I had him every weekend that month, and most of the days and yet that wasn't good enough. I know that she gave a lot for me moving in, but I also gave a lot and that is forgotten. What she did was more than amazing, things on the inside are not always what they seem. There was a lot of hurt, lots of my fears being laughed at, my life choices judged and those things are not OK , ever. There were many dinners where we had to spend them eating dinner in parking lots. There was lots of driving, because there was a new boyfriend and it was well known that we were not wanted anymore. Us being told to leave really had nothing to do with her son we were in the way as her life was moving forward. I was more than happy her life was moving forward but so was mine, I was meant to be more than a babysitter, more than someone to clean the kitchen, I was more and I was seeing that and that was not a good thing.
So I found the most perfect house in my very own little town and things were amazing. I was unfriended, promises were broken and we would never speak again. I moved all of my belongings out of her house and never again would I be so disrespected and laughed at I would never allow it. I will always be more than grateful for all that she gave but my heart was greatly hurt do not hold my hand and make promises then look the other way. And when that time came to move not one person was there offering help or support, my city group offered, but I could not accept it. Received a miracle to help and I was able to get movers.
So when that person was at MY safe place it felt more than huge, it felt like the entire time that I was there with her and people were always looking out for her needs and I was just at the way side. People were always looking after her always worried about her. I deserved to be treated better. So her being in my safe place that meant so very much; was crushing the hurt that she caused was so very heavy and more than deep , and that is what many others failed to notice or cared to ask and see. She knew the hurt it my life and added to it as soon as I was getting stronger and realizing my own dreams. A sad situation all around. I was hurt beyond anything I imagined and was hurt that she was welcomed in my safe place as crazy as that is. I know my favorites are still the people I need them to be, they will always be my people they have shown me that over and over. Its just never easy when ones who have broken your heart are cared for by your very own special people when you have few and far between.
This will take some time, time to recover, time to heal the hurt time .....just time
I heart your heart .
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