Oh these words
she must be lying , she isn't showing enough emotion, she just wants attention
Today those words still affect me. After all this time, its still like a knife. And guess what Joan. yes I DID want attention I wanted someone to step up I wanted someone to take care of me I wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything was OK. That I wasn't as awful as I felt inside. I wanted someone to tell me that it wasn't mt fault.Yes that was the attention that I so desperately wanted. If attention was what she thought I wanted why in the world did I get pushed further aside and my needs ignored ??
It was that cold night when I was thirteen and I heard her say that I wasn't showing enough emotion if that really happened and that I just wanted attention. Seriously like daggers through my heart. Her words were so hurtful who would want to do that to me I find that lately things are affecting me more and more. Or I will hear something and its that ah-ha like oh my goodness, these people!! Maybe its where my heart is maybe because in close to a month my own children will be 13 and I am scared out of my mind. Maybe its just that I can hear things that I haven't been able to hear or process in the past. But this article today was amazing saying yes ATTENTION that is exactly what I wanted I wanted someone to step up, I wanted someone to keep me safe I wanted someone to see me. My entire life attention as always a bad thing always because attention got you hurt I would do my very best to fade in not make any noise for fear of any kind of attention and there Joan was accusing me of lying because I wanted attention. Today I sit here and am trying to get my head around that....I think that its impossible. But her words truly broke my heart, telling was going to make a difference only it did nothing and left me more alone than before.
All my life I have just wanted to fade into the background. I would never want anyone to think that I was asking for attention or asking for anything special. And this article, I never realized I wanted someone to hear and to listen and to do something. I may have been a very mature 13 and able to handle all that life was throwing at me but I was 13, I had only spent thirteen years in this world, and yes I wanted attention but I wanted that in someone caring for me, in showing me the good things in life. In showing me kindness and fun and love those were the things that I was looking for. I was not looking for pity or the attention that Joan was speaking about. I didn't want someone falling all over me I wanted someone to step up and do the right thing, that is the attention that I wanted. I wanted someone to care that I had been hurt. I wanted someone to listen and to helm me understand that these things never should have happened to me that I was worth more than the things that they did to me. I wanted someone to make me feel safe and these are the things that I have been fighting my entire life. That I wasn't worth anything , why would someone do that to me, because obviously I was more than gross and disgusting and obviously lying.
Those things hurt my heart. I do not know why those things happened to me. I don't understand the response of the people around me. I don't understand how people said that I was doing this for attention, what kind of attention is a gang raped 13 year old looking for ?? I was merely looking for some safety and protection and one would think that you would do that when a child has been raped!!! How crazy that not one person stood up and did the right things not one person heard me or listened.....even the counselors.
Sitting in between my parents on the couch and him asking me how many there were. I see it all so clear and the windows in the room the type of chair that he was sitting in it wasn't very light but I wanted to be outside in the light coming through the windows behind me. And the only words that I even remember saying was 5. And there was nothing else, nothing about my feelings or that it wasn't my fault. The only other person talking in the session was my father and I remember him calling me an "entity unto myself".......Yea when Rape has been a part of your life since the time that you were 5, and the latest incident was a gang rape for hours on hours yes, I was different, I was quiet, I was scared I was all of those things that you saw and there was a reason for all of them. And oh that attention that I was craving , really that's why I lived with the hurt so long on my own right ? Oh that's right who would want to rape me I was the unpopular chubby kid......anyway.....So rape only happens to beautiful popular girls ?? Oh the messages that I received.
So I am going to make up a story about being gang raped so everyone can shove me to the side and treat me terribly and then pretend that I don't even exist anymore ? That's right that was the attention that I wanted. To be shamed and judged and left to fend for myself.
Today I think the article hit such a nerve is that I do want people to pay attention and not to me and my story but on the way that I was treated on the way that I was not taken care of so that if ever in their life they are faced with this they will know that there is a heart that has been hurt inside and its only looking for someone to come along beside them and let them know that they are not alone. Because I know when I was 13 that is what I wanted I wanted someone to hold my heart and help me heal. And that is why today I share and tomorrow I will share and I will share until my very last breath to make sure that no woman, man or child has to go through rape and abuse alone. Yes we are looking for attention. I was looking for attention to be cared for, supported and yes even loved. I wasn't so I will never stop fighting for others.
I heart your heart
No comments:
Post a Comment