My 39th November

Well what I really want to say is a whole bunch of not nice words that would all come out at the same time and be so ugly my head would spin,  my eyes would roll , and people would not believe the things that I have been holding inside. That just is not my heart.  My mother and my brother have come close to squeezing the life out of me, and honestly the things that I have to say; they would not hear. They just simply incapable.  One guy was reading a story in my lit class and the line was "They couldn't find their ass-hole in an outhouse"  and I thought that was totally hysterical and then I thought that is so my family ! They can not see the person that I am, they don't see my heart.  They are so wrapped in their world, it is scary. They are all that matters.  So for as much as it hurts to not be supported by your family, as much as it hurts to be shrugged off, as much as it hurts that there is no compassion I am going to have to learn that's who they are. And LET GO.  I am going to have to let go.  I do not like the people that they are, they are of weak character and I won't be surrounded by people like that.  I can not be around people that smush my heart and don't look back.  I can not be around people that say things like well we thought it was best....it was crushing to be left out.

Last time I told them what I thought and how I was hurt when my brother was 30 minutes away and didn't call didn't see me or the kids and they didn't care...then they did it again two weeks later going to the Sate fair not calling us or inviting us to go and then showing my children the pictures....How cruel.  Why would they do that ?  Makes me so very sad and I have not spoken the words to my children, but in my head I promise next year I will take my children to the state fair myself.

When my car wouldn't start there was no response, no kindness she told me to ask about places in the area, I asked what I needed to do there was silence she honestly doesn't care, there is nothing for me...no feeling...its nothingness, thats the only word that I can think of to even begin to explain it ...I could walk to Denton and she would not even give me a second thought. The lack of any feeling for me is mind boggling, I keep saying but I haven't done anything wrong. My brain so badly wants to understand. My heart wants to scream at them, do they care how they are treating me ?    I haven't done anything wrong !!!!!  But that doesn't seem to matter because I can't and won't give her the attention that she wants so I have become the worst of the worst.

But I have been Blessed. Beyond words.  Beyond my understanding.

I had people telling me places to get my car looked at, I had people asking if I was OK.  I had people offering their cars for me.  Telling me that I could use their vehicle if I needed too! I had people offering their family to look at my car, I had people sitting with me while I got the oil changed, I had people helping me, that cared, that were doing what they could to help for that I am so very thankful. It was an overwhelming few days.  When people are supposed to be your family treat you like an outsider, yet people around me were being so kind going out of their way to help me that were not my family; WOW those are the people that matter that I want to spend my time with. These are the people that I want to be around and laugh and share with.

On this year my 39th November, things are so very different.  I am a different person in a different place.  Next week is Thanksgiving  and I will not be spending it with my family.  I can not smile and pretend that I am fine, I will not smile and cook dinner and be thankful with people that are not kind that do not include me.  I will not be around people that speak words like knives then give the person they were speaking about a hug. I will miss the drive to see my brother because I love road trips.  I will miss my brother and I laughing like crazy because that's what we do. I will miss my mothers stuffing, I will miss picking at the turkey, as soon as it comes out of the oven.  My children will not get to see their uncle for the first thanksgiving in their life. I will not drive to Victoria, where there is no support, no caring, and no respect.  I can not go there and be thankful, I will not go there and deal with the words that aren't said and the looks that could kill and the pretending that we are all glad to be there, One big happy family. I will not go there everyone ignoring the BIG PINK ELEPHANT.


So on this 39th year in my life on this thanksgiving, my heart will be a little sad, but my heart will be so full spent with caring, love, thankfulness and and a true spirit of kindness and joy and that is where my family wants to be. I might cry a little because cry is what I do. But I am going to meet new people,  I am going to try new things.  I am going to help serve meals and know that I could be one of those people,  I am going to go to the nutcracker with friends who call me family, I am going to decorate until this house shines like the top of the Chrysler building, with happiness and lights. And my nutcrackers, are going to be in the middle of every joy this season.  And I am going to sit in front of that beautiful tree with some hot tea, friends and be thankful. Thankful for all that I have in my life right in this very moment. This is the week that I was meant to have, this is the week that  I have right now in front of me.  This is the week that I have a little break from school and the kids and I are going to enjoy it. Every second, every moment . I am going to be grateful that I live with AN AMAZING FAMILY, and an amazing woman that I can look to who is more than an inspiration, I can call her my friend.  I am where I am supposed to be and though my heart hurts there is more gratefulness and thanksgiving than you can even imagine.

I heart your heart.  May your Thanksgiving be filled with people that make you feel loved and be thankful my Friends, be very thankful.



ME