My very own little earthquake

Yes something as simple as a lock was my very own little earthquake last night.  It usually is the simple things with me, isn't it? My very own little realization.  Its the little things that hurt that most, that dig at my heart like a knife. The things that you realize years later that have hurt your heart more now then they did at the time.  It was one of those moments.  I went to pick the kids up from my mothers house and noticed that there were new locks on the front door.  A new handle a new dead bolt.  Well when we lived there the dead bolt never worked, and she didn't much seem to care.  I shrugged it off just another thing that doesn't make sense to me she never cared before and then decides to fix it, when we are gone ? Out of the house? I don't understand.  Then Vincent was in tears that a project that he worked really hard on was in pieces in the garage on the floor.  I told him it was OK and to go open the garage and get it.  It was pouring I was exhausted, I had been at school all day it was close to 7, the kids had not eaten; I was done for the day.  My heart was already beating out of my chest; being near that house makes me want to run anyway.  But the code didn't work, he had to go back to the front door and have her open the garage from in the house.  My heart sank really why would she change the code ? I had thought she did another time and blew it off tonight there was no blowing it off, it was real.  I bought that garage door opener so the house would be safe; so no random person could open the garage and get in the house.  And she has changed the code on me ?  Why ?  What was the point ?  And changing the locks on the front door ?  She did that when my brother was a druggie ?  Why for me and the kids what in the world did I do ?  I would never go in her house with out her knowing, I just didn't understand ? I don't want anything that she has and what I do want she can never give me so what exactly is the POINT ?  Does she even have one ?

At first I was angry,more than angry. Why would she do all these things after we left like somehow it didn't matter when we were there ?  All of the sudden she is caring about the house and what it looks like and what is around and I don't understand.  So many things started running through my head, then  it was like a knife through my heart and I stopped breathing for a few seconds......We were at a red light and the only thought in my head....

We moved out she changed the locks, changed the code to get into the garage.  YET the house was broken into when  I was growing up and I was raped and not a thing was done. Not a fucking thing.  That is what hurt, that was the sting of a million stings. 

This is where my attitude of unforgivness, disrespect for her and my disobedience come in.... And she wonders WHY ?  

I seriously almost was laughing between all the tears on the way home, she changes the locks on me when the kids and i move out yet when I was assaulted nothing was done. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING.  I can hear my fathers words still so very clear " well it doesn't look like anyone broke in" no jack ass probably because you gave them the key !, but that is besides the point.  Well OK then lets just pretend that everything is awesome then, Shall we, I mean who cares right ?!?!

And my head wouldn't stop repeating that over and over in my head.  I sometimes drive myself crazy with that stuff but it was a realization that was just unthinkable really, and of all the things I don't understand and will never understand there are still times I am completely and utterly amazed that I am even still a walking breathing human being. And i don't have a clue how I have even made it this far.

So for me there was not much sleep last night, So many things running around in my head, all of them wanting to get out to be released.  There are storms in my brain that I can't even put words to.  Soon this storm will pass, but today its raging.  And the thoughts are fast and furious

That Thought.   That wretched thought. Unimaginable. How dare her.....


We moved out she changed the locks, changed the code to get into the garage. YET the house was broken into when I was growing up and I was raped and not a thing was done. Not a fucking thing. That is what hurt, that was the sting of a million stings.

I feel like there are more and more things that are pointing to a total break from her.  I am relieved the semester is almost over and they will not have to stay with her.  I will not have to see her and be uncomfortable, I will not have to worry about her being inappropriate with my kids, or making little jabs at me .

I am trying so very hard to focus on the blessings and be grateful but this morning I heard the words,

 

 A silver lining sometimes isn't enough
To make some wrongs seem right.

 

And there is nothing absolutely nothing that can ever make this wrong right.

 

Here is the song, thanks for being a part of my story

 

I heart your heart.