Church, God and the Dalai Lama

I am not a person that knows much about religion and the stories of the bible and the meanings behind them I am a person of experience.  I am a person that cautiously looks at what is around me and then I make my own decision.  I do not go by what people say, or what I am supposed to be believing. I ask a lot of questions and then still more questions, and then lots of thinking .  Church for me growing up was not a good thing.  I saw way too many hypocrites and I DID not understand.  I saw the same people that hurt me go to the alter and receive communion.  I saw people being cruel and judgmental. It was the boy Don,  that I met at  Sunday morning service who later broke into my home, but I was the one that had done something wrong.  I was often the recipient of others cruel words, in anything church related.  I didn't follow the rules and asked too many questions, I wanted to understand, they just wanted me to follow everything they said. It was a youth group leader who didn't believe me when I finally told of my abuse and She then made sure that the entire church knew that I was lying; I just wanted attention is what she told everyone.  I can remember faking sleeping in the morning not to have to go to church with these people.  They were not  real kind or genuine and I wanted nothing to do with them. They were everything that I hated, everything that I never wanted to be. And those were just the people, and I kept thinking what kind of god is this ?  What kind of god lets these things happen.  What kind of god lets a five year old pray to die each and every night as prayers are said ?  This was a god that I wanted nothing to do with.  There was my father who would be this happy ,kind, helpful man at church and my family got the F u's on the way home from church, then the silent treatment for days on end. These were what I saw of the "church" these are the things that I experienced.

The first book that began to touch my heart was Peace is Every Step by Thich Nach Hahn.  I was in my teens and doing things on my own.  I was quiet and withdrawn in my own little fairy tale world where whales were my saving grace. Nature was my refuge. It was a such a peaceful book that spoke to me.  It was about kindness and about feeling the earth below you.  TO this day I will go back and read parts of that book.  The parts that most touch my heart.  During some of the hardest moments in my life, this is the book that got me through.  This is the book that I held onto when all else failed.   I had lived for so long doing everything on my own and this book was a new beginning a new world for me. It gave me something to hold onto.  One of the stories talks about a dandelion holding your smile for you, until you can smile again.  And at least if you can see that the dandelion is holding it for you then things are not so bad.  I still have that page marked and probably read it almost every week. It was a way for me to find kindness when there was not any in my life. It gave me something to hold onto, and I was desperate.  I wanted to believe in something so I came to believe in the world around me, the trees, the sun, the ocean, the whales, the animals, each and every one of them.   That in turn led me to lots of reading and lots of research and I was led to the Dalai Lama.  Oh my heart he was all about peace and kindness.  So what my soul needed.  He was not all about religion and what you should do he was about kindness and again that is what I longed for and that was meant for my heart.  There were no strict rules, there was no judging there was acceptance and kindness.  Just simple acceptance and kindness.  I have many little Buddha's all around room.  Its a little funny when I was moving and a friend was helping me pack.  She said can I ask you a question ?  And me who loves questions said sure! She asked about all my Buddha's and I said that it was a time when that was all that I had.  That was the only kindness that I knew and that was my life line.  I said that I believe in God but there is a connection to something that kept my heart intact though all of the unseen.  Its amazing that my loves, my beliefs are all coming together and becoming the place that I am in.   I needed the Dalai Lama and that kindness and that spirit of non violence and acceptance.  And as I made that leap and entered that Church in my thirties, I needed those families in that time and that place. To have that belonging meant more than words can describe. 

 

    

    I can remember being with my grandmother and talking about this new amazing book that I was reading and a friend of hers was all over me because it didn't talk about god, hid god.  He was not very kind, and was not even willing to see how good that this book was for me.  God was something that was far away.  He was something untouchable and  not necessarily unkind but not kind either.  I think I saw him as a bystander just watching as the world crumbled. As my world was falling apart I imagined that he was doing nothing,    He was not something that was in my heart, in my bones; it was something else something unreal and far away.  I had decided that my life experiences were something unthinkable and I didn't want to believe in a god that let such things happen.  I would not believe in something that would let children suffer.  I wanted nothing to do with god or religion or any kind of church.  That was only reinforced with the scandal in the church with priests hurting and abusing children.  And yet other officials knowing what was being done and just moving those priests around to different parishes, Really, how sick is that ? Then was the time when truth showed its face, when I believe with all that I am I ended up exactly where I was supposed to be......And it was the little things....

It wasn't until my early thirties that I saw a real church with real kind people that were all the things that I was looking for all the things that I needed.  My first experience with a real church was seeing a play.  And the most special person that played an Angel.  That angel led me to learn what church really was and  in time who God was.  He showed me who God was by being the real kindness that I needed.     It was the little things that he did consistently , the kindness, my questions, my attitude, my disbelief and his refusal to never give up on me.  He had asked me to church a number of times with his family and finally I said I would love to come to church and see the play.  I mean it was just a play, and I joked that lightning may strike, and tornadoes may ensue but I said that I would go.  And it was awesome, and that little thing that meant the most is on his way out, leaving the scene, he turned and gave a little wave.  Just a little wave letting me know that I was noticed, that meant so much.  I remember things so vivid and that moment still makes me cry.  He didn't let me fade in, he noticed.  I learned so many things.  I met his wife and shared life with his family.  He was my lifeline; my training wheels for a long time. I learned to see God in a new light.  I found a real church a real family with the most amazing people.

I am not at all about religion, I do not like the rules the regulations I am not about conforming to what others believe.  Though I am a very spiritual person. I see greatness in the small things that surround me, in the clouds, in the little birds, in laughing people.  I see things different, I always have.  I see God all around me, I see him in the birds, in all kinds of ways and places.  I see him in the sunrise and the sunset.  I see him in a father taking care of his children, I see him in my children when they ask how I am and make sure that I am OK. I have seen him more these last few months that I could have ever imagined in a friend calling me family, in being offered an amazing home to live in . In the pieces of my life that are falling into place, into my grades, my financial aide in more things that I can even imagine.  Its in things that I can not even begin to explain or understand.  I talk about when I found my first real church, and if I didn't find that place I never would have met Catrina.  The patchwork of lives and times and people is more than amazing and more than I can explain in words, EVER.  Today I do believe in God, he is in my bones because I was shown the realness and kindness of him in some most important people who took the time to walk with me.  Since I made the decision to leave that place that was once my church home.  I went to church once and it was not scary, it felt good, it was not my cup of tea, the man yelled often and looked like the banker from Mary Poppins, but I was with amazing people and that made the difference.  I was ready to try again and Christmas Eve I went to services and I felt good.  It was huge and there were people everywhere, but I was comfortable.  Someone reached out and asked me to go and be with her family and I was ready.  It was comforting, it was real, it was true and I felt something that I haven't felt for a long time.  And the pastor talked about people exactly where they are.  And that is where I am exactly where I am.  When I left my first church I had people tell me, its my duty to make sure that we find you a church, I made people promise not to let me fall through the cracks because I knew that I would not find another church quickly.  My heart was too hurt by church I had just left, there was nothing left to look for another place where I belonged. So things changed people moved and promises were broken and I had left even the idea of finding a church.  Once again I was on my own. I was out of sight out of mind.  It takes so much out of me to find a place that fits my heart to find a real place that I fit and can belong.  And to make that heart breaking decision to leave that place that was no longer the church I once knew and to have the people that I loved break their promises was really really hard.  I am going to go back to the church that I visited on Christmas Eve.  Because I am ready.  Because I think its time. It is that book that kept my heart, it is the people that i met that healed my soul , and it is the newness and true people that are in my life now that have gotten me where I am.  I believe in the Dali Lama and what he stands for and his heart of pure kindness is more than I can explain.  I believe in God, and am grateful each and every day where I am , the things that I have accomplished, the lives that I touch, and the life that I live.  Things are still hard and so unsure but I believe

 I am on the right path.  I believe that I am where I am supossed to be. I believe so many things...

 

Church is something that is more complicated for me than you can possibly imagine.  Because like so many I am not about all the rules and rituals.  I am about kindness and being who I am.  I am about being accepted where I am.  I will always keep my book Peace is Every Step close because it kept me together, it was a part of my journey I will believe in the Dalai Lama because that is where I found peace when I had none.  I  believe in God because I see how far I have come and that would not have been possible on my own.  I can not join a church and pretend I have the answers, I don't have any.  I know that I want to belong to a place that can take my questions, that can accept my heart exactly as it is and not try to change it to fit what they believe.  I am different, always have been always will be and that just is. I see and experience things differently because of where I have been.  I am more than grateful every day to be where I am.  I have bad days, days of doubt.  I have days when I think OK God I can not take another hurdle yet with each hurdle something else comes that I never expected.  I am a work in progress and all of these things are a part of me.  I am working on my relationship with God, I know how I want to see him as I see the Dhali Lama that's how I want to see him and I am working on that. 

I have so very many questions, I am observing, I am learning and I have to believe that I have gotten here and I am sure that ahead me there are going to be so many more amazing things that I can not even believe.  There was once a day I shrugged off God, now he is in my bones.  There was once a day I imagined tornadoes and lighting if I walked in to a church.  There was once a time all I had was a book written by a Zen Master.  NOW I have all of those things and each one has played such a role,been there for such a time when I needed them.  There are so many more things for me to learn and I miss those people that started this journey with me, but I can do it on my own because of all that they gave me, and how they shared their own hearts.  I believe, yes I believe and someday someday someday the right person will come and walk on this journey with me again.  There is a time and place for everything.  I know for sure that I am blessed, that I am where I am supposed to be with someone who wants to understand where I come from, who wants to understand my experiences and that is greatness.  Its this person that is walking with me as I move to the next step as I write the next chapter.  Here we go my friends, and hang on this is one ride that you will never ever forget . My heart is open and in a different place than it has ever been before I heart your heart all my friends that have journeyed with me,  so much more is to come, so much more........