No one ever held me

 

You know, I was and watching Grey's Anatomy and the tears started and they haven't stopped. Someone needed a hug, and you know with covid and everything, they didn't want to be close. So the woman told her to stand up and turn around. She walked over to her turned around and they leaned into each other. Just to be supported, just to know that someone is there. I have never had that. I have never just been held. No ulterior motive, no purpose other than to be there for you. 

I think Sometimes that is a thing not meant for me. I am not meant to be held to be so supported that nothing else in the world matters.  Yes there are a few forever I have found, they are just so far away. I long for a person here and now. Someone to hold me, keep space for me until The tears stop and I can pick myself up, pull myself together and keep moving forward.  I need a soft place, an understanding of my horror and a lover of my light. There is light, there is joy but there is such great pain, its often overtaken. There is a dark, that there is no way around. There will be pieces of dark My entire life, of this I am sure.  Things that have happened, pieces that were lost ; there can be no recovery. I will keep moving forward always searching for that spark to fill in the cracks, because that is the hope that nothing will take away. I am becoming more aware that with each breathe that I have, every word I write there is a deep sad to what I have experienced that always is. My job is finding the balance between the joy and soul sad, and learning that where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be. I am soul sad and fighting. Maybe someday that will be something worthy of being held, loved and honored.

I heart your heart.