My brain goes off line

 

My brain goes offline and all I see, hear and feel is the past. shadows that still haunt. Shadows that are still capable creating a great deal of panic, regret and embarrassment. I feel like its happening more often at the worst of times. Of coarse, there are the normal days, when its there running in the back ground. Sometimes its worse and the days of past are front and center. When the concentration is gone, the lack of focus is blaring and the smile is fake; because tears are never far away. Even at work there are times that my brain is literally on survival mode.  From the second that I wake up its so vivid and clear. Its a fight to pull myself out of bed to face another day. All I really want to do is curl up in a ball and be anywhere else. I fight because that is what I know how to do.  But I imagine a day when I don't have to fight so hard, when I don't wake up thinking about which battle will be the one that I have to conquer today.  It gets old reaching out, and literally, I don't do it much anymore.  There are times I send Mark a blog, but then I feel guilty.  Then I don't get an answer and feel even more guilty.  It's like that turtle, slowly putting his head out to see the world then getting spooked and pulling it right back in.  I feel like that all the time.  I am on overload most of the time lately and I know that I can't keep it up.  

This last week was spring break, and the difference was unimaginable,  there was peace, there was rest. I had time to just be and that is something that I don't get often. There were the normal issues that came up for me.  There was the achy body from a night full of nightmares, there were a few all too real flashbacks, those things felt more doable because, I could just be. I could write, I could do my art journal I listened to my music made dinner, I got to watch my shows.  I started Game of Thrones, which is awesome.  There was a much needed break, I did some of my fun stuff getting things ready for my kids.  I have a shit tone of stuff to do for work, but that will get done tomorrow.  

I have to figure out how to get this all this time.  I need more of a balance I need to know that where I am is ok, that I can rest and there is no judgement.  I need to make dinner for my family and know that Vincent won't turn up his nose.  My brain was offline more than it should have been, but the rest was welcomed.  Even with the things I had to do, there was still rest and it felt amazing.  My brain is so overloaded, ALL THE TIME.  I really can't keep going at that pace.  I need time to decompress, I need time to not be judged.  I need time to just be the crazy me that I am. The writer the teacher, the mom, the lover of Nature I need time for those things.  This week I got a piece of that again and it was more than awesome.  There is that sad that is always there but it is so much less intense when when your brain has a chance to just be. 

Next step I have to find a way to get this more often for me, because its more than needed. I need it for my mere survival.  Life has been hell and I need to find that freedom to continue to heal and process and to accomplish all the things that I have yet to do.  The things I want are not an option in survival mode,  and that is where I have lived.  I want to find that peaceful place everyday, without waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

My life such a work in progress. Now off to the store to but steak for my family and some flair pens for me .  Bring on the last 9 weeks of school.  9 weeks , that's doable. I want to be in the game living not merely surviving.  I want my brain online and loving life, not detached and scared.  Here's to the next steps , hold on to your hat. 

I heart your heart