Purity

I have trouble with even the word: Purity. Hearing it spoken makes my heart want to hide away. This is not a word meant for me, never was and never will be. From as early as I can remember there has been a feeling of being dirty, being used being less than.  I was never up to anyone's standards.  I was never on an even playing field. 

There is a feeling that I have never lived without, being less than, unworthy.  I am not sure that I can even explain all the ways.  It's really kind of crazy, everything that I was, was disgusting.  There was never a time I felt pretty or worthy.  There was never a time when I was just comfortable in my on skin.  I always remember that I was less than, and gross.  

So many little things that all played into this feeling.   Who I was, was never ok. The person I was was always to something for someone. To quiet, too weird, to needy, I was only useful to take care of others needs. What I wanted and needed never mattered. My words were never heard, my cries never acknowledged.

I would hear stories in church of being pure, white as snow, saving yourself. Saving yourself for a special man giving him a part of you as a gift. Those are things I never understood. Those are things I never understood because those pure things were never valued in me. Those pure things were for pretty clean girls. 

So no, I was never pure, valued. I was never something to be cherished ,seen for the person I was. There is no gift for any man, that might be mine. All that is here is everything used, gross and disgusting. The things that have been done can never be undone. The things I have seen can never be unseen. I am not pure and clean I am exactly the opposite. The shame in what I have survived is unimaginable. The time and effort it would take to overlook, the unclean, impure is something that just can't be asked.

I can't see that word and think good things. I see and hear this word and think all the things I am not. When all those things that have made you impure are felt in your bones and replayed in your nightmares, pure is something that you can not comprehend.

I heart your heart