I despise her

It is unbelievable the hate that I have for that 13 year old part of myself.  There is me little Callahan and then that 13 year old. I have come to a place that I don't hate little Callahan. I would actually like to hold her give her a hug show her that sometimes its ok for a tree just to be a tree. I can even say, I think I love her. That little amazing fighter, that never once gave up.

That 13 year old part; I see her as the blackness, the horror the unimaginable. I see her as the gross and disgusting that I thought was long gone. I was talking about her and said I wished that she was 6 feet under covered in cement. That just makes me sad. I don't want to hate her, I want to keep her close but I don't know how. I don't know how to like a girl so needy and desperate. I don't know how to like a girl that, wanted attention, that is so gross and disgusting. Things happened to her, that were unimaginable, that I didn't know could happen. She survived things that there are no words for. I worry that letting her close will literally kill me, that I'm am just not in a place to meet her needs. She has survived and made it through, I think there is a part of me that worries that I won't. 

I can hear Mark's words. She is you and you are her. I want that to make sense.  I want that to sink in.  Really, I don't want to be her.  I don't want to see things through her eyes, I m scared that I just won't be ok if I let her close. She is me, I am not sure what to do with that. I hear Mark that we have a lot of the same characteristics.  Some of the words that I use to describe me, are the same kind of things that I use for her.  That is beyond terrifying.  I don't want to be like her. I want to be innocent and naïve about some of the world. I don't want to know how those things happen and how they are lived through. I want to imagine that she isn't so gross and disgusting and I am not sure that I can do that. I see her behind this wall of blackness, I see what was done to her, her terror the evil and its all too much to take in. That wall is so thick and I struggle seeing the girl that is barely breathing under the massive amount of evil that she was under. I literally worry that I won't make it, that somehow I will be crushed and unable to breathe and then what.......

My heart feels like its in a vise and is getting squeezed harder and harder, taking my breath away. Literally I feel it in my chest, its more than heavy. I do not like the feelings that come with her.  I don't like the reality that she comes with. There is a quote that says something about already surviving it that you can survive the healing but it just doesn't feel like that. It doesn't feel like connecting with her, loving her and respecting her is survivable. 

I heart your heart