Connections...Why they are SO Difficult for me

There are many things to say about this.  It was one of the very best people I know Birthday the other day and  the connection that I have with her is something amazing; I love her with my whole heart.  And I was thinking in the shower, about how I connect with people, and how growing up there was no connection, and how much that I missed out on.  Even today I miss out on connection because i don't have a clue what I am doing .  Growing up I only connected to my stuffed animals, and to real animals.  Later I found whales, and they saved my life those were the things I connected to. There was no real human connection for me, growing up or for a very long time.  All of the people that I was supposed to have connection with , hurt me. There was no one to take care of my heart. No one to nourish my soul. No one to keep me safe and sound.  No one to take care of me, so I began taking care of others and that filled a space a void and for short periods of time made everything OK.

And that is so much how I relate to people today, if I connect with you I tend to hold on for dear life.  If you are kind, I tend to want you to stick around, I want you to be there and try to understand where I am coming from.  I feel like I have to prove that I need you to stick around that I won't ask for too much, that I just want to belong.  I want more than anything for you to understand where I am coming from and how I see things.  If somehow you could understand, then it would be OK if I was around. I know what life is like with out any connection and I have finally found real true connection, and its amazing. And its also terrifying.  I am trying to find the right words to describe the things I want to convey, about connection and what its like not having it for so long and not just not having it but connecting to things that can't connect back.  I mean you all know how I love animals, and that is more than strong its a connection that I know that I feel in my heart because for so very long that was the only kind of connection that I ever had.  And animals can connect they do in the most amazing ways.  There are there when you cry, when you are sad, when you think that no one else in the world is there, animals are, at least they were for me.  I could tell my animals everything growing up and  knew that they were not going to hurt me.  And they give you comfort, but they can not tell you the things that you need to hear from the people who are supposed to love you.

In building new relationships I am scared because before there is even a connection my mind starts to wonder OK how long before this person leaves or how long before they see my tender heart and think whoa I am outta here... How long after I share my story will they run as fast as they can in the other direction?  My friends I can guarantee you, most people don't stick around long at all  .Way to many people see my tenderness, see the wounds and they are outta town.  They get further and further and further away.  Until once again I am on my own.  And just like that little kid; I believe it is something that I have done.

So with me I see connection through a 5 year old eyes and that is more than rough.I know that I am not 5, others do not see that five year old its just how my heart feels at times.  A part of me is more than stuck there and I have to be so very careful.  And I can say that with out a doubt I have the kindest, most amazing people in my life now, people that I truly know are not leaving are not going anywhere, but that fear is bigger than you ever imagine. It is as big as a five year old with a monster under the bed it is that real to me. I view connection through the eyes of a scared hurt little kid. I figured that out last weekend , and its an eye opener.  Think of any 5 year old, and how they see the world and how they view the people that are close to them......think for a few seconds.......that is me today...because  I never had that at 5 or 10 or even 20....that little five year old kid is me....so be patient be kind.....very kind, please.

I just want more than anything to be loved, to be heard, all those things that a little kid needs, I need that too, and believe me I am so sorry.  I so understand that its hard because I am not the innocent little five year old, people see the mom, the teacher, the caregiver that does it all but there are pieces of me that need more. I need connection and people more than I would ever want to admit. Inside I need reassurance and comfort and patience and oh so much kindness and understanding. I see things so very different, I see everything around me through 35 years of having to do everything on my own.

I know I am 40 but I never had those relationships those building blocks in life , I finally a few years ago, a little over 5 years ago  found, no I take that back, I was lead to people who became my building blocks and I have grown from there.....that was only a few short years ago and I am still learning.  I don't do friends well, I don't do connection well I don't do many connection things well, what I knew growing up was animals and taking care of others.  I knew what it was like to have no one and never ever wanted another person to have those same feelings. EVER. That is how I lived my life, and I am working on doing things different but I can tell you it is more than challenging, and there are days I want to crawl in a hole.  Because you see my brain just doesn't work like yours does.

My brain works from that little kid trying to do things right, trying be good,trying to survive. My brain constantly is looking for safety and protection, I forget that I have already survived and its OK to simply live. Growing up that wasn't an option. It is now and I am fighting for it.  I just need those genuine real connections. Connections to remind me that hey, I am OK and I have made it.  Just please please be patient with this weary heart of mine.  I am working on this connection thing its just more complicated than I would ever like to admit.

I heart your heart.