You have to Promise

 I know that at this point in my life promises are kind of important. I more than  need people to promise, and mean it! I have a feeling this is going to be a bit of a selfish post, I am sorry I just want others to be kind and to notice and they don't. No matter what is going on with me I always notice, Always. And I just don't understand.  I know its a fact that people leave, that people change that situations and intentions change. That others have their own things going on. I know all of those things, I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.  As much as I always notice I am often the one forgotten.  And when I am noticed when i am cared for when someone stands up for me and fights for me that means more than I can ever explain in words.  If you are there and you are wiling to stay you must promise that you will be careful of me heart.  As much as I don't want to admit that I need other people, that I would like to think I can do everything on my own I can not.  And since I can not if you are going to be around I need you to promise me a few things.  I need you to promise that you will not hurt me, that you will care for my heart, my  thoughts and my feelings. That you will think about me sometimes and not just when you need something. I am not fragile and will not break but that is a constant fear.  I worry all the time that there is going to be that one thing and I am going to crumble.  Seriously if i haven't crumbled yet I doubt that I will, I am 99% sure that i won't but that 1% fear is often overwhelming.  Because the person that I am; I just always do what i have to do and I get through.  I smile pretend that I fine.  I take every blow off , but honestly it hurts.  I am not so OK right now,  so many reasons and no reason at all. I am in the in-between.  Friends that were only yours because of someone else, friends that said they were friends, but only when it was convenient. I am done with that.  And slowly things are changing I am weeding those out and adding my own but oh its more than rough. I do not make promises to my children unless I know I can keep them.  And there are times I want people to promise me and see me and be true and real.  I NEED that,  and I don't think I am asking too much, I just need constant.  When there is none besides my children but I need someone for me.  To notice and to ask and to care. Last week a dear friend did that, it made me cry, that she noticed that I wasn't doing so great, I can not explain what that meant.  I know I don't often openly share how I am, I know that I often leave hints, because I feel awful coming out and saying no I am not fine I feel like shit and my heat hurts.  I need someone to ask how I am, and just give me a hug There are so very many examples and I just can't I don't want to hurt any ones feelings but there are so many and I am left, ignored or both.  And all I want to do is crawl back in my hole, in my safe bubble where I am safe and sound, the problem with that bubble is that its lonely, and I don't want to be alone any more.  I am so done with being ignored. There has been a saying floating around face book about people making time for you, that if its important they make time.  And that is what I need more of.  Because in this season I am not so great, I am alone and I need to be seen and I need to be noticed.  I am stepping out of my box more and more doing things I never thought that I would.  Building relationships at work,  at Mercy, in my city group I am working so very hard right now,  and the last thing I need is more crushed feelings.

I am coming to be a little more open, and share and say all the things that are in my head, but its hard its very hard.  I am not sure what is OK to share and what is not, I am trying and just being a part is a good thing.  I just wish that I had things in common, I wish that I could jump in and feel like it mattered like what I had to say was important and that people were listening.  I struggle to believe the things that they believe with their whole heart.  There was one part tonight talking about God protecting us from evil, well he didn't he just didn't and I have a broken heart.   Oh this place that I am in,  there has got to be a reason for it all, somewhere somehow.  I need these people and I need them to understand and I need them to hear me and to listen and to support me.  I NEED this and I need some promises to be kept.

I heart your heart. 

Tori Amos:  Promise