You know last night I saw the headlines Sandusky to be sentenced tomorrow . I have to admit there was a moment that my heart sank. And Today my entire being feels like its been smashed into a brick wall. Today in this moment I just wish cases like this didn't exist. My heart hurts on its own and it hurts for all of those affected, I wish that mean men would just die the second that they even think about commiting such unimaginable crimes. But what I want and what I think really doesn't matter. The truth is the crimes that steal childrens innocence happens all the time and more than we would like to think. Men , women and children are hurt by other people day after day so while there is all this attention on Sandusky there are many more mean men that no one will ever hear of. There are hundreds even millions more victims that will be silent forever.
So they say he will get 30 to 60 years. 30-60 years for stealing souls and destroying lives. When you think ok the man is 68 hopefully he will die in prison alone, is that justice ? We can lock him up and throw away the key. Does that really solve anything ? What does it all mean? He can be locked up forever but nothing he did changes, no amount of time that he could spend in a little cell can replace all that he took away from those boys that looked up to him. Locking him away will save future children and for that I am very grateful, but ........ still so many questions so many concerns.
Oh there are so many thoughts in my head and even this many years later the tears keep coming, My thoughts go out to the survivors. My heart breaks today once again, as the journey of recovery begins for them. I can not tell you specifically how each of these survivors will react , what their life will be like going forward but I know its a long and winding road and I hope that they find people that are kind and will walk beside them on this road as long as it may be.
Today for me I am grateful that Sandusky will spend the rest of his life in jail as deserved and there is a part of me that is sad that my case didn't end up like this one. My father got off on a lesser included offense and got probation. He couldn't follow the rules and ended up serving close to a year in jail . I have to say I was relieved when I knew he was in jail and I wished that terrible awful things would happen to him. For a quick second I thought ok this is justice he is going to be hurt like he hurt me... and I don't like that but I felt it and I was glad. I thought that was going to be the key to make me feel whole, if he could be raped and understand what that was like.
Then I saw his mugshot.
His gray hair, his thick glasses, he had this aqua blue shirt on, and he looked terrified. I wish I never saw it, he looked so afriad no it was way more than afraid and I am the one that felt guilty because I was the one who put him there. I saw him and felt so awful and so guilty and honestly I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I absolutly hate that I feel anything for him, I wish that I hated him with my entire soul , I hate that I still have any feelings at all for him. So justice..... is there any ? I stood up and protected other children and he lives life with a girlfriend in a big house in Missouri ? And me I am a single mom trying to keep my head above water . My heart is absolutly broken. I can say I am healing and I have come a really long way but oh my goodness my poor soul is exhausted.
Is any amount of time in jail enough ? Would I feel any different if my father got 60 years ? I don't think so, nothing would change really . I have realized that I am still waiting for some kind of justice, some sense that things can be made right..... I am waiting for the moment when I can put my hands in the air and close my eyes and spin around in my own skin and feel whole . You know that Movie The Doctor when she is dancing in the desert and that amazing song is on Strange Angels .... oh thats what I want, I want that moment. I want to know that there is purpose and peace for me. And I have to stop looking for something that I will never find here on earth.
Today is one of those days where I feel all that there is yet to let go, every bone in my body wants to curl up in a ball and I want to scream at the world to stop, can't mean people just go away can't there just be more kindness. All the chains that I have let go, I feel them when I hear so many talking about this case. My heart is heavy and I wish that it wasn't. My heart is sad and I wish that it wasn't. I wish I didn't understand the road that those survivors are beginning. There has to be a reson why this is still so heavy on my heart, all the work I have done and its still taking its toll. I worry people will think I am holding on to my past, that I am dwelling on it and that just isn't it, there are things people need to understand about me about others that are like me. I would love to wipe my hands clean and pretend ok this is just another news story and I can't do that. I will not do that. I need to understand what I can do with my story so that it becomes something hopeful! Oh my heavy heart ....someday someday.
~To all those survivors, I am so very sorry ~ I heart your heart~
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