I read this the other day and thought oh my how perfect ! I am so tired of people not fighting of people not wanting to hear of people not standing up for what is right. I think of Val and Neil and how the documentary is all done and they are still fighting , they are still doing research and conducting research and still in contact with me and still so many things and they know just how very important that these things are and they are continuing to fight. They hear, they know, they understand the seriousness and still fight. People have told me that I should be quiet, ask me why I still fight why I share and Want to scream and shake them and make them understand because how can I not fight ?? There was that saying that maybe I was just born to fight. I am not a quitter and I don't give up, I will fight until people listen and hear and do things different I say that all the time. I feel people do that with church and god getting others to listen and hear and there isn't a problem with that but when its something devastating like abuse, even those that are knowledgeable would rather you keep such things to yourself. I will never sit back and do nothing, I become silent there will be other voices that become silent and that is a lonely place to be and won't let that happen if I have anything to do with it. I think there is a part of me that doesn't understand the do nothing mentality. I think through the entire justice process I was shocked that others didn't see the urgency and seriousness of wanting to keep Angela safe !!! Why was that such a hard thing to understand ?? If I have the power to change things to truly make a difference why in the world would I not.
I can promise you that fighting is not an easy road. There are days I would love to curl up in a ball and stop fighting but that just isn't an option, there are days but I always pick myself up again. History is hard. My history is unimaginable and yet here I am fighting for others, never wanting another to feel the things that I have felt and still fight. I don't want to own my story, I don't even want it to be mine but it is and so I need to make a difference with that. What happened to me has to mean something. I can not answer the why's I can not answer the questions that come like breathing. But if I can help others if I can make them feel not so alone then all that has happened has a reason and is still not worth it, but it makes my history and healing something to fight for.
I am tired of those that don't want to hear who can't hear. I know that it gets old. I live with it every moment of every day and there are good days and bad days. And I have to find people who love me even on those bad days. I have to find people that are willing to stay around, and be there for the great days when I am funny and witty and still weird but still me. I want people to stay that can take all sides of me even the hard , unimaginable sad ones. That is just my life. I don't want people to hang around out of duty, be around because we fit, we gel we mesh. Stay around because even in those hard moments I will cry nd laugh and scream and be more than sad but there are so many other good things that people miss out on because they can see past the past. Or they do and pretend that it doesn't matter. Newsflash, my past is all that I have known and no matter what I do there is no way for me to put it down and imagine anything else because that is all there is. I can't imagine a life without all those things so young. Al those things were my life, and my very survival depended on the things I lived through and I learned to view things through those goggles and those things as ugly and hard were also things that I survived. If I could imagine that I wouldn't be in the place I am today and give everything that I have to fight for myself and others to make things different. I can imagine a moment without all those things they have made me who I am, they are a part of who I am they are in my bones, a part of my skin and in every cell. I won't pretend that they don't affect me.
I heart your heart. To all those who help change history, even my history I am truly GRATEFUL.
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