Completly Honest and True.

I really love Angela Shelton she is strong and beautiful and Courageous and a list of many other amazing things that make her a hero.  And I recently watched a video that she created of her giving a speech at a college campus and it hit, it hit me really hard and I realized the problem.  People don't talk about abuse, they are scared and don't want to hear and are afraid to deal with it.  I understand the fear and the disgust with what the world can do to other humans.  But at the same time I have a deep personal understanding.  Do I shut up and quietly deal with what has happened ?  Do I scream from the rooftops saying we can't let this happen ?  DO I quietly cry myself to sleep every night ?  Do I reach out asking for someone to listen to part of my story and hold my hands as I cry ?  Do I write  hiding behind the words hoping someone will comment and understand my heart ?  I just don't know what is the balance.  But I have to try.  If I keep my past in my heart it will kill me and there are too many things that I have yet to accomplish.  My hair falls out.  I have ulcers.  I have had chest pains.  And I just can't keep quiet, I can't pretend that all is well and I am fine.  So I apologize, I am sorry my story is hard , there are so many things that I want others to understand, so many things I want people to see. So much that I have inside to show people.

Many people that have read my story know that I did not grow up having a happy healthy childhood.  Things were really rough and violent and there was more abuse than any one person should have to survive.  The problem is that its hard for people to understand to comprehend to get their heads around and I can honestly say I get that.  There are days I still can't get my head around my life and I lived it.  When you grow up the way that I did, my past and the things that have happened in my life are such a part of who I am from how I deal with my children, to my love for whales, to how I eat .....literally I think the list could go on forever and include each and every aspect of my life.  I have always said one rape well wow i could have handled that, not that makes it any better for me, but one rape would have been a blessing. If there was just my father or just the neighbor, or Just Don and them.  If just one of those sets of things happened then I would be fine.    My life the one I live every day I hold what has happened to me and I have to let more things go, I have cried oceans but honestly the more I grow the more I experience there are still pieces there that need a little work.  I fear the words Dwelling and, stuck, even wallowing. Wallowing now that is one ugly word.

I heard this song and I was like Oh MY God do people see me like this ?  Do they think I am wallowing in my past ?  Do they think I am holding on to it because I like it ? What do they think ?  Because honestly most people don't stay around very long.  Here is the song.....

 And I listen to this song aver and over and I think OK I have to forget my life and be on the same page with everyone else and the truth......Well I don't think that I can do that. I am like you in so many ways but there are big things that make me see the world so very differently. I can't pretend that my heart doesn't hurt some days.  I know how long ago things were but you have to understand I never got the basics of life.  I never got kind and caring.  I was not listened to, I was not heard and I was left to make it on my own and that I have done.  A friend of mine wrote a letter for me and he said
    
  I'm writing this letter on her behalf because of how hard she has worked and because of the depth of the hole she chose to climb out of,"

  WOW who me ?   And here comes another ocean.  Is that me, do such words fit me ?  And dare I say , I am thinking maybe they do, Just maybe.

The more that I have thought, the more that I have written, I am not wallowing I am just trying to find my place and trying to understand this rocky winding road that has been my life.  A friend used to say well not to toot my own horn or anything and today I think not to toot my own horn or anything BUT you know what I HAVE come a really really long way, I have crawled out of a deep dark place and that is something amazing.

I don't understand why people can't love me and the person that I am, I don't understand why I am often ignored and not included, am I scary ?  Do you think I will rub off ?  Am I too serious ?  I just don't have answers and  I say I can't be someone that I am not.  I am sorry maybe I share to much and that's why, I just don't know.  I think well maybe its because I am wallowing ?  I mean that has got to be why ?  Right ?  But I don't think that's it.......I don't have normal life stories to share.....I don't have kid stories about siblings being crazy, or stories about long time friends, or proms, or college days or any of that....In a way life is kind of new for me and that scares people. I don't have family to turn to, I don't have people to call my people.  People have friends, people have family....But ME nope there is me and my children.  I could count the people that I could call on with a few fingers.  And they mean the world but I can not expect them to be there all the time.  People have these experiences their entire life of friends and family and honestly I am just beginning and I am sorry for that.  I think that's why I love the classroom I can create amazing fun stories for the children to add to their own story.  And for me though the last chapters was dark and scary;  These next few volumes will be full of many new stories and new beginnings and new experiences. I just need people to be a part of my story.  I don't want my story to be lonely I want it to be full of people , all different people, weird ones strange ones, funny ones serious ones, all kinds.   I can't even imagine honestly all that these next volumes will hold for me.  But I know that those dark volumes are still a part of me and even though that chapter is closed there are days I am affected a little and days I am affected a whole lot.  I share my stories because there is so much to share.  My stories are different but they are what I have.   I am not wallowing or dwelling I am just trying to find my way.  To my people that read this thank you for taking the time.  I don't want people to ignore and stay away I need people to speak ask questions and when in doubt just LOVE me. I love more than you can imagine and care so much for each heart on my journey. So I say again

I heart your heart my friends and I Do so true .