On God.....between a rock and a hard place and needing a soft place to fall ?

You know God and I have never had a Good relationship.  I have kind of pictured him sitting in a chair next to me and we keep bumping elbows, kinda like we are playfully fighting for the arm rest, that's the picture that I have in my head .  I mean I prayed to God to die when I was 5 and that didn't happen and I had to live in hell so I decided ....there is no god. No one can help or keep me safe.  I grew up in a church that was not nice and I was; I guess you could say I was the black sheep of the congregation.  I had too many questions.  They wanted me to believe every word that was said with out question. But I had questions lots of them and no one would help me understand.  My experiences in life were not lining up with the things that they were talking about.  I didn't have kindness, there were not people watching over me.  You know I have heard people talk about having a feeling when they were little and knowing that God was there with them and for me I never ever had that.  From my earliest memories, church was a group of hypocrites that I wanted NOTHING to do with.  I would see the people that raped me receiving communion and staring at me like I was the one doing something wrong. Something felt completely wrong.  I knew something was not right, and I was not going to have anything to do with people like that.

 

One picture I have in my head is my neighbor Albert. He was walking by the alter and he was holding his little brother, and getting communion and there were oh so many thoughts in my head, I was scared, I was angry, I was confused. I can remember every detail of him walking to get communion and I followed his every move. I felt very small and saw those around me as giants. I can remember sitting there seeing him and thinking; all of these people are crazy. Each and every one of them!  All of these people are talking about God and what he means and what we are supposed to do and then there are the things that Albert is doing to me and no one seems to care. I remember wanting to steel his baby brother out of his arms to keep him safe.  I am not sure if it was a conscience choice at that age but, I wanted nothing to do with that God; that God that everyone talked about in that church.

So I grew up alone.  Carrying the world on my shoulders, dealing with life in the ways that I knew how. I was just trying to survive day to day to day.  I was always stuck between a rock and a hard place.  When you are that little with so many terrible things going on some decisions are not good ones but they keep you alive. Being stuck in that place becomes normal.

I know looking back that there were things I survived because of God, and as for his purpose I don't have a clue right now and there are days that I still get REALLY REALLY angry, but with out a doubt I can say I know there were times, that I felt I was not alone.  For me I feel like I only feel god when things hit rock bottom for me. Sorry I take that back because there was a short time that I felt him in my everyday.  There was a time when it was completely amazing, and I felt different, I felt lighter.  And I know the church is just a building, but in the building that I called my church home I felt for once that I wasn't on my own. There were kind caring people and I didn't just fade into the background. I  was able to heal and grow and change during that time. I would cry because of the incredible love and caring that I felt, and I know that is big because I am not an easy person to love and care for. And slowly people were being taken away, things were changing from week to week.  And I felt all those amazing things that I experienced for that time slipping away. As quickly as I fit in that place it became something where I didn't fit.  In many ways it felt like the pull of a bungee Cord.  I started out at the top and ended up way at the bottom with all the bungee in between.

Right now, these last few months I have not felt God. I have been making the right decisions for myself and  my children, and doing whats right.  And I keep asking Am I doing something wrong ? I must be because things are just crazy everywhere I turn. People keep telling me no, you are not doing anything wrong.   You are not doing anything wrong they say but I have to be because I am praying, I am begging for help and its just not happening. The situation, living with my mother I have not felt God.  Financial aide being denied I have not felt God. Having enough money to provide for my children. In my heart I have not felt God.  I have prayed and prayed for some kind of solution, anything to help relieve the longing, the sadness, the stress.  Nothing. Nothing.  I have begged God, ,I mean on my knees ugly cry begged.. then I prayed some more, I meditated, I cried I pleaded and nothing.  Silence. I have prayed and bargained for anything to be able to change my children's circumstances.  I thought about moving to Boston , living in a shelter for single moms,  oh there were many many thoughts! I was grasping for some kind of relief , anything to help me not be so on my own because exhaustion at the entire situation is a daily struggle.  And its not all awful there are moments where I am so very grateful but something is always missing, something just isn't there.  I see God at times in those around me, and think those are just amazingly awesome fabulous people , those are things that happen to others.  Because they have faith and they believe in God with their whole hearts.  Me I believe in God, he is in my bones but not like they do. I don't trust that everything will be taken care of.  People say things about God and him being there, and taking care of me and it makes me want to scream, punch a wall, turn green and Vomit. Sorry not pretty but that's my thinking. People tell me to pray and I get so frustrated, I have prayed and prayed and nothing changes for me. I watch as lives are changed  and prayers are answered, some are not all around me and I sit in my ugly cry ....alone...and hear nothing but silence.  I am sure that I must be doing something wrong in this world.......I MUST be........ And I am loosing hope..

 

Then I get a message from a woman that is asking how much my financial aide would be to finish my schooling. And that she would be honored to repay the blessing since she was raised by a single mom who was going to school when she was in elementary and middle school.  I cried, I was not sure what she was asking.  She knows many people and I thought she would know of someone or someplace that might help. It was that she thought of me was so very important.  I had no clue this would be the start of a new time, a new hope a new life for me.  I gave her the details and she asked for my address.  I had so many questions, and the Whys were out of control , I mean who am I for someone to help ?

Then Monday morning...I stood in the shower my hands to God asking please help me, there is nothing left of me.  I am tired of fighting.  Tired of feeling less than and I CAN NOT do this anymore, something has got to give.  I am not OK, I will keep fighting for my children but there is nothing left of me to give.  And that Morning I get a call from Kelly with NFED and says that we are next on the list and some people are not able to make it to the conference and that if we are still able to attend we will have our registration and hotel taken care of.  Oh and the ugly cry again.  I feel so amazingly blessed.  And I hear Kelly on the phone and she is glad they are able to help and says I guess that means you can make it.  Oh the kindness in her voice, I needed that more than breathing today.  And she says, when one door closes another one opens and So I am going to get to be with other parents whose kids have the same disorder as Mariska. I will hopefully have some questions answered. And Mariska is going to get to see other children that are just like her.  Vincent with meet other siblings just like him. If that is not a blessing, I do not know what is.

THEN TUESDAY MORNING....
I couldn't sleep as usual and was up early, writing, crying trying to figure out the next year .  Mariska slept until after 10 am.  Vincent slept until almost 11:30 am.  It was a hang out morning, and I went to get the mail.  And I see this little note.  And inside a card saying :

   Please don't give up hope. God is good all the time even when its hard to see or feel him. Keep pressing forward for the kingdom and for your children.  I love you......

And there is a check that will pay for my student teaching and books and everything.

Yes...Let that sink in a check to cover the rest of my schooling.  A check to cover my dreams, A check that allowed so many things to come true.  I will FOREVER look to this day with a grateful heart and I am sure we will stand in my classroom and I will hold her tight and be so very thankful that she saw my dream when I was so very close to loosing hope.

Today is a new start, a new leaf,  And I read her note over and over and those are all the things I have been writing these last few days.  that I haven't felt God. That I don't see him in my life.  And there are the words I have needed. Don't give up Hope, God is good all the time,

My heart is completely overwhelmed by the events these last few days, but I feel as if I am falling , I am finding my soft place to fall and maybe all my prayers and desires, and longings were heard and were waiting on the right time. 

Today I see things I have never been able to see, I see that I am between a rock and a hard place because I don't allow myself to feel that soft place.  I don't allow myself to trust, I fear EVERYTHING....Today I trust.  My heart was heard, prayers were answered.  Today I found a soft place to fall.  My forever grateful heart is exploding with LOVE.  . I feel God. Today is a miracle.