My last Saturday night

Well its been some time and I still keep waiting for that void to be filled.  I am waiting for the space that once was so full in my heart just to close and go away and it isn't. No matter how hard I try its wide open and it doesn't feel good.  I don't even remember anymore if it was three or four years ago but .. I found The Corners or The Corners kind of found me . A church finding me that is kinda funny.  I was totally supposed to be there and truly believe with my whole heart it was some kind of divine intervention that is way beyond my understanding.    I used to tease that I would get struck with lightning bolts if I ever walked into the building.  I would walk into the youth building just glaring thinking yea right, why am I here, you could say I had a chip on my shoulder, A PRETTY BIG chip. I DID NOT believe in God and no one was going to change my mind.  But the people that I had met that were making a huge difference in my life were a part of this Church and they were real , and honest and true and so very kind. The people that I first met there were more than special.  All the things that I had been looking for my entire life, I was finding in this foreign place. 

It was around Christmas time and a friend of mine was an Angel in the Christmas play (which was a perfect fit !) invited me to go.  I was absolutely terrified, I would tease about getting hit with lightning bolts  but I think in a way I was serious, how could I, me, Sherri walk into a church?  It took every ounce of courage of strength I had to walk into that building.  And each and every person I came in contact with was so welcoming and so warm, people accepted me just because I was.

At that point I didn't even really believe in God.  I was settled that it was me alone in this world and that was that.  And the play was amazing and amazing things happened, I was noticed, I was welcomed and from that moment on The Corners became my church home.  I grew up in a church but I use that term loosely it was about as dysfunctional as a church can get and it was not a good experience.  But The Corners had my heart, it was the most amazing place with the most amazing people.  Then the following year we sold the building, OK I can go with that we are just moving into a new building.  Lots of people started leaving.  I thought that's OK, this is my home. I think I got used to people leaving.

I was there to help clean up in the new building, I scrubbed floors, cleaned windows, I was a part of something so very real and so true, it was AMAZING.  Then  Pastor Randy was having heart trouble, he was in and out of surgery.  Then not long after that he said that he was stepping down as lead pastor.  Oh my heart...I was feeling every emotion possible, so many people that I have loved have left and from where I come from I love you and I love you forever and it was so very difficult.

I found so very many things in this place and it was falling apart.  I even would sing.  And that doesn't sound like a big thing but for me it was really big.  We had a worship leader that was so true, he would speak from his heart and had a peace that was indescribable and I could sing.  I sang with my whole heart. And I would cry and look forward to the next service.  I started working with the children's ministry and I loved it.  I was afraid that I couldn't teach them what they needed to know, because i didn't know very much, but was encouraged and guided and I knew I was meant to be there with those little ones.

I found God in this place, I found real honest kind people.  I found a group of people that were truly amazing  in and out side of church. They lived how they believed, It was really and truly an amazing, awesome spectacular place.  A place that for once in my life I was accepted, for exactly who I was and I was learning so many new things about me , the world, the church, I was growing and was in a place that was truly remarkable.

Still more people leaving.  And more. And more. And more.

My home Church was turning into something different. Something was was not kind, and gentle.

Soon I started to only go because I was committed to the children's ministry.  Even then after some time I found myself dreading going.  People were different, I was different.  I so wanted to go but I wanted it to be what it once was.  I know change, I understand it, its a part of life but this kind of change was a totally different path.  This change was a bulldozer that was running over people in the process.  During this time I felt the pull in my heart this was not my place anymore, there was no time for me, no people for me, and it was terrifying.  I had never known a place like this before and it was seeping right through my fingers.  Oh I tried so very hard to hold on....But there was nothing to hold anymore. Everything that was so near and dear was gone.

I went one Saturday and There was a new Person and I went to  the back of the church in tears asking who is that ?  I am sure my eyes were as wide as can be, I was in shock, I was sad, I was in disbelief.  I think I knew then but I wanted to make sure.  SO I went that LAST SATURDAY.

We sat in the back, the kids and I, A totally different from where we always sat, and even Jake the worship pastor was different, he was pushed aside and the peace that he gave was trampled on, and then someone else got on the stage and made it about them and I couldn't take it any more, and we left before the music was even over, the music that I loved that I could finally sing to was silent in my heart. 

I walked to the back of the church unable to breathe. The place where I found life was gone, the place I loved so much was not there anymore.  And literally I walked to my car, trying to catch my breath, there were no words and so very many feelings. The kids quietly followed me asking if I was ok.  I said I wasn't but that we would be. I told the kids that this wasn't the right place for us anymore and that this would be our last time. There was silence. I pulled myself together.  And we walked back into the entry way waiting for the kids since I was scheduled to be in the Children's Department.  One of the elders walked out said Hello, and its kind of funny, he sent his wife out to see if I needed to check the kids in.  She came and gave me a hug and said Hello.  I said I was fine and she walked back into service.  Oh I wanted to hold onto her and ask her so many things what happened to this place ? where its OK to push people aside, to push peace aside and create a show ?  I smiled and cried and waited for the kids. 

When we got to the Children's ministry it was rough, I knew I would be leaving this place that I loved so very much.  And of coarse a song that always made me cry, was the first song we put on. The Children's minister, Julie would sing it and I would cry every time she put it on. She started to sing and I had to go out in the hall. Her singing with the passion in her heart for what she was doing was what I was going to miss.  My heart was so very sad.  I was going to miss these little ones. I was going to miss Julie singing that song. In her singing I wanted to believe every word like she did and that was such a gift, such an amazing gift ! I can only imagine what my eyes looked like, but I knew I was done, this wasn't the place for me anymore. This would be a night of so many lasts for me.

I was terrified to leave I had found so many things that I needed, that I was looking for.  I am afraid that I won't find people like this again.  I am afraid of loosing the people that I loved that made such a difference in my life.  I am afraid of never finding a place where I fit like that again.  I could write pages and pages of things that I am afraid of.  I am afraid of them all and then some.  For me this was special, not just another church, it was my home a place that had my heart. The first place ever.

Some of my fears have come true, some have not.  I don't get to see the people that I loved there often.  I am not sure I have it in me right now to look for another place where I fit in.  Where I am safe. I know that I loved that place and what it used to be, what it showed me was possible will forever be a part of my heart.... But I must Let Go.....