One day I had this most amazing dream........

 

 

So I am not one that enjoys sleep. I kind of dread it actually. I hear people say that they lay their head on the pillow and they are out, WHAT.... REALLY...that is something that I just don't understand. Sleep is not a good thing and is usually filled with things that are scary and mean . For me sleep is a time to fight to run and try too get away. Not exactly peaceful and restful. But the other night I had the absolutely most amazing dream. Mind blowing amazing dream. It was one of those dreams that is more than real. A dream that makes you feel alive that gives you hope, a dream that touches a place in your soul like nothing else. It was one of those dreams and I want so much to remember to hold on to the feelings. My dream and nightmare life is on constant alert and to not want to wake up because something is so perfect is close to a miracle in my world. To wake up rested and refreshed is truly a blessing. And this is a blessing that I don't ever want to forget. Someday I hope it will be more than a dream but reality, a piece that I am working on.

The entire dream was more than a little crazy, it started off more than a little chaotic. I was in this old run down house, in the middle of nowhere. There were holes in the walls and there was nothing else around at all ,anywhere. This old house way out in the country. There were weeds and tall grass everywhere. Stones from the smallest pebble to the biggest of boulders covered the ground. The yard was filled with kids. I was trying to get them all situated and happy. It was a happy place, people were happy, the kids were happy, and I was trying to make everything right. There were a few kids that were back by this big tree making ice-cream. They were all laughing and joking, they were all in their bare feet, everyone was safe. I was running around trying to make sure that everyone was taken care of and had anything that they needed. And there was a car out front a lady who had a story like mine and was sharing, but she was all over the place, I was sad when I saw her wanting so badly to talk to her, but she was way too busy. I took the first steps almost walking to meet her at the car but it just wasn't right, so I stayed away. She was walking in circles giving the kids stickers and stamps and was trying to prove how not affected that she was by anything. She was all about the attention and I wanted nothing to do with that. I just made sure the kids were ok watching from the background, not getting too close. It was a feeling that I feel a lot . Kind of watching everything happening but not being a part of it, for so many reasons. That longing is there but I worry about being a bother or a pest. Then to the left out of no where I saw another woman. As soon as I saw her, I started crying. That gentle cry, when the tears just fall when you just know that something is so right . I didn't know who she was but at the same time I knew exactly who she was. She was almost ready to go, I had almost missed her, but I wanted a hug, I needed a hug. With no hesitation, and my eyes filled with tears I very quietly went up to her and looked at the ground, then looked slightly up and I asked her if I could have a hug. With no words, with no feelings of disgust, she just opened her arms. I walked into her arms and she just held on to me.

 

 

 

 

 

It's hard o explain. I basically melted in her arms, she knew and understood with out me having to say a single word. She was holding me, and I cried and cried and I spoke of all the things that can't be spoken of. And she just held me, and at he right time she would tell me that it was ok, that she understood and I held on and cried some more. And of coarse, I would try to let go thinking I was being a bother and she would tell me it was ok and she just held me tighter; gently rocking me. For once I felt no shame, no anxiety, I wasn't afraid, I wasn't embarrassed, I wasn’t used goods. I was a women with a hurt heart who was with someone who completely understood and was holding my heart. It was absolutely the most amazing feeling. I cried and talked and held on. I talked about all the things in my head, all that has happened and she only held me tighter. I have never in my life ever had a dream that was this amazing. I was so accepted so cared for, and I just didn't want to wake up, I could have slept forever in this dream.

This dream means so very much. I wish that I could explain what being held like that felt like. When you have grown up not knowing unconditional love. And to truly experience it, was more than powerful. I don't have a clue who in the world that this woman was, but I am going to call her Linor <3

I am grateful for this dream, I woke up and I was so refreshed, and rested. I can remember waking up and thinking no, I am not ready, I don't want to wake up yet, I need to be here, being helped, being heard talking and crying .....But I was awake....there was no going back but that feeling oh my goodness. I didn't hate myself, I didn't hate at all, I only felt love and that was more than amazing. The nights since have not been so great but at least I had this one and I am sure that I will never forget, and will hold on to this for as long as I live. Blessed to have this most amazing dream, I am grateful. And I will hold on to it.
　

Give someone a hug just because.

I heart your heart.