So yes, that's how things are for me. Some things are so close I can feel them then they are gone, just like that. And all I can say is well then those things just weren't supposed to happen. SO today I sit here typing this and yet another job that was so close is out of reach and I have a peace about that, but at the same time, its sad. It just wasn't the right one, there was no housing, there was no place that I would feel safe and that is big . Today I was supposed to be in Plainview meeting my principle and fellow teachers, finding where I was going to live and seeing my class. It didn't happen like that. It all seemed so right, but there was something that just wasn't, and I couldn't explain it, it all seemed so perfect but something was holding me back.
It all happened so quickly, being asked if I would take a job that I had to move. Sure why not, a move would be good. I send an email and my resume and within a few hours I get a response from the principle that she would like to speak with me, two days later I have a phone interview, and she is calling my references. My head was spinning, third grade, my favorite grade and I was being told that she was going to recommend me for the position. So I cried. And I cried some more. And I sent a text asking if a friend would go with me, and with out any hesitation she said yes when can we go ? It was a long two weeks let me tell you, so all this back and forth with the new principle she wants to hire me ..then silence. I was thinking of moving and packing and things that I needed for an apartment, my mind was overwhelmed and chaotic. I wrote her three emails called twice finding out what time that she wanted to get together Friday. I let her know my plans, how excited that I was and nothing. I have said during this process that I wanted clear answers. I wanted to know for sure if this is what I was supposed to do, or if I was supposed to stay here and try to find something. There was so much going on in my heart that I just couldn't share, I didn't know what I was supposed to do, it was a job a real live teaching job someone wanted me to teach in their school that I would be a perfect fit for.
And that silence that I am so used to in my life....that deafening silence and you know something just isn't right. So as we were getting ready for our Fort Worth stay-cation, I sill had not heard a thing so I again changed plans and said well, I guess her silence is as loud as it gets. And then the email Friday that she was super excited but she also looked into leasing and that there just wasn't much available. In the first email I had asked her to help, since I was not finding places for us to live. I think in her silence she knew that there were no options for me. And in her silence I knew that this was not the right position for me. And it makes me sad because so many things were good and perfect and right. And then there were also some things that weren't so right, that wouldn't be good for my heart. I mean I would be fine anywhere, that's the problem I always am, on my worst days, if you were to ask I would be fine. Only I am not.
SO moving there to that little town called Plainview I am sure that I would be fine because that is just what I do. But also in moving there it would not have been the best move for my heart. So in Mrs. Wrenns silence I knew this was not meant to be. Part of my heart was relieved another part was more than sad.
I just want to teach more than anything. I want a classroom full of kids that I can care for their hearts and teach them the things that they need to know. I will not give up, but I want this more than anything. I have done everything I can possible do. I sent probably 10 emails this morning already hearing back from one principle, and those are all good things, its just hard. I don't think people understand I want this more than anything and this is one thing in life that I am sure I can do really well. I can make a difference and I will notice those little thins that make a difference.
I want to be so excited about different things that are coming up and I just don't want to be crushed again. I know I am doing everything I can and putting resumes out there and turning in applications but that doesn't seem to be enough.
The entire situation was more than frustrating, I was torn between a job getting paid being able to support Vincent and Mariska. And My heart. My heart isn't ready to be alone yet again, I have finally found a few real true honest genuine people here and I am not ready to be on my own again. I am on my own because that is who I am I don't like to let people in, I don't like to be a bother. I am not ready too go back to the place that I was in 4 years ago, with nothing and no one. People kept saying "oh you will be fine, you will be fine"......they don't understand I know I WILL be fine, its the fact that I want more than just being Fine and I am working on that here.
In so many things I am so close and so far away. I am grateful to those people who told me to care for my own heart. I am grateful for the silence to know that moving wasn't the right choice, right now. And I am grateful to have a home here where I am supported and even loved even in my craziness.
I don't have a clue what these next few weeks hold hopefully that perfect job and that perfect fit that I am after. But I know that whatever I am looking for its right here. I know that here my heart is taken care of and I need that so very much. I haven't ever had enough of that ever, and it takes getting used to. I know that my arms are open and I am more than ready to take what comes my way.
I heart your heart.
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