My heart wants to write and I can honestly say that I don't have a clue where to begin. Believe me I cry all the time, ALL THE TIME and lately there aren't even any tears. I am numb, confused, frustrated. I have so many things going on in my heart; in my head and yet I am numb. Its crazy how I can just remove myself from things when they become so overwhelming. A skill that I learned really early in life and I hate myself for it. Just do what you have to do pretend that everything is fine, don't tell anyone just make sure that you clear the mess and make everything ok. Oh the messages that I got as a little girl the messages that I got so early on, I don't even remember life with out them, Again as I am turning on this next step in my healing, I am scared to death. I have worked really hard, really really hard and still there are things that I hold onto for dear life. I have let go of a few really big things, and there are a few really big ones left to tackle. And when I say big they are big like life changing HUGE KIND OF BIG ! I am scared to death 95% of the time, that is a big amount of time. And being that afraid all the time takes up a whole lot of energy.
And often the fear is so big that I check out and I don't want to check out anymore. Some people measure their lives in different things. For babies we measure their life in minutes or weeks or months. For Authors we may measure their life in the number of books that they have completed. For some it may be the amount of people in their life, the friends that they have. There are so very many things that a person can measure their life by. For me, I have always measured my life by the number of rapes, the number of assaults the number of people that didn't do their job and I was the one that always had to pay the price . The number of things that I didn't do right are in the hundreds. I have measured my life by what has happened and all the ways that I think that I have failed. How I fail myself today and how I failed little five year old me that did everything she was supposed to but it still wasn't enough. To be honest, I write this blog because I want people to understand so much and I want people to understand why I am not so crazy, I may seem that way but I am really not, I am just hurt and scared that I will never be a whole person. And I apologize all the time for being hurt for wanting to explain that and I am sorry that you have to see my craziness. Its your choice, I am totally not making anyone read my heart, it is what it is, and its often hurt. My heart is a work in progress And I just might have to work until I am in my 70's to be done, but I will if that is what it takes. The truth is I write because sometimes that is all I have. My tender heart is bruised and I have to work on making it better. If I keep apologizing for that, I am not going to get any further.
I can't go back and get all the things that I never had. I can't go back and get all that was taken all that was lost. But I live every day always noticing those little things around me always making a difference and always dealing with the things that my heart has endured. When you have been so close to death,nothing is taken for granted, and for everything my heart is grateful. So I can't apologize anymore, I can't be sorry for the things that I didn't want to happen. I can't be sorry that I need to write about them. I can't be sorry that its true that it happened and that some people just can't handle the truth. And writing this I find myself close to every other word wanting to apologize, wanting to write those words and I just can't do that anymore. Some; no most people will not understand my heart, there is just too much and I can completely understand that. But I can not apologize for that either; for my heart because others don't understand . You don’t have to understand but oh goodness please be gentle, tender, kind and thoughtful. I need that more than anything. Just to be thought of.
I measure my life in the moments that I thought I was going to die, I measure my life in the moments that I had a gun to my head and I wanted them to pull the trigger to end it, just finish me off, because I wasn’t sure I could really live ever again . I have measured my life in the seconds that it took to destroy the love of a little girl. I have measured my life by the men that stole everything that a little girl is supposed to be. I have measured my life in the moments I couldn't save those little tadpoles. I have measured my life in the things that I can never un see. I have enough self blame and hate to make many trips around the world. And today I have to try and stop that. They are still things to conquer and I am going to have to do some digging, some more healing, maybe a lot more but those are not the moments that make me . They may be my view but there are many other more important moments to acknowledge and celebrate. Its about time, I start measuring my moments very differently! And this is my heart right now, I can't explain what my heart feels like it hurts, my chest is heavy and I feel like there are mountains ahead of me that I can't imagine winning at this moment, but I also can’t imagine not wining them. There are many good things for me to hold onto as I work on beating them, and I am holding on as tight as I can.
I want to measure my life in the good things. In the children’s lives that I will touch. In the animals that I am passionate about , in the lives of my own children that they will do great things. I want to measure my life in the risks that I have taken and the amazing people that have been a season in my life and walked part of that path with me. I want to measure my life in the ways that I didn't die , but in the ways that I made it. Times change, people change, and so will my heart. For a short time it honestly felt like my heart had wings, and I want to find that again. I am on my way, there will be a lot of writing, trying to figure things out. I think I am going to start my art journals again, get those ever present thoughts and nightmares out of my head!!!!!!!!
There is no shame in SURVIVING !
I heard that for the first time today.
There is no shame in SURVIVING!
Wow, that is pretty big. Because honestly, I have been shamed my entire life for making it, for surviving. It was always ok for everyone else to have their stories. Its ok for others to share and be sad but me and my story somehow is not ok. And I feel the weight of that. Others are believed, I am not. Others can share I can not. People can mourn their losses I can not. Peoples stories, others stories are so important but my story is not. But my story is important and I have to feel my way through it just like you do yours. Mine looks different, feels different but its mine and I know its been a long time I know that its over, but I never had a good start. I grew up learning to hate not learning that I was loved, that I was good and worthy just because of the mere fact that I existed . I have a foundation now to build on because of a few AMAZING people and I have to use that strength to get through this next part, these next chapters. My story is mine, and its important, What has happened to me matters.
My hope maybe someday, I will be normal ! ok maybe that is pushing it; but at least Semi-Normal might be a good goal !
I love you, I heart your heart, thank you !
No comments:
Post a Comment