The kids and I went to see God's Not Dead this week and it was really powerful. In ways that I do not even have words for. And during the entire movie it kept saying you are exactly where you are supposed to be and I think man, really, are you sure ? God are you sure? Someone said it to me the other day on Face book, you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and it’s frustrating. I feel like a leach, like a slug that I am not doing my part in the world. I am not being productive. I am a little lost with no school and I kind of miss it, lets be honest I more than miss it. As much as I like being alone, I miss the classroom interaction, I miss the work. I have no assignments to complete, no classes to attend, and honestly, I feel like a bum.
The PTSD is kicking my butt. Even at the Perot Museum the other day, WOW! There were so many people and I was already on edge. A simple Museum trip was a little overwhelming, I mean not that I wouldn't go, and I did enjoy myself it’s that constant panic, that constant anxiety that is ever present and wears a person to the bone. There was the panic when I smelled that specific cologne and it sent me back for a few minutes. I cannot even tell you how often that happens and how it makes me feel. I just want to be normal have normal life experiences with out being flooded by past smells or feelings. This is one of those things that goes on in my head ALL THE TIME that most people don't have a clue about. Its all the time, and most of the time its fine, but its always there for smells, sounds, people, songs, yes even different songs. That is my world and I keep smiling keep going, there are too many things to accomplish. I always keep going ALWAYS but then at night it comes out as the nightmares with a vengeance. My world, it is what it is. I am working on it; it will get better, just not yet. However, I am holding on to the hope someday it will totally go away! I HAVE to believe that.
I can think back 4 years ago four short years and I never imagined that I would be graduated, I never imagined, that I world be where I am. And to think 4 years ago I didn't even believe in God. I can say with out a doubt that I DO NOT at all understand this journey that I am on. I don't understand any of it but I can say that I have direction after these last four years. I can say that I believe in God and believe that as many of the blessings that I have in my life right now are because of him. I can say that with out a single doubt. And even in all my doubt I am more than grateful. So much more that I can put into words.
God is something that I don't understand, I see God ......Well you know when you go into the Dr’s office and sit on the couch and then someone walks in that gets your attention that you want to know more about? There are just those people that you see that totally intrigue you, that there is just something about them. There are just those people and they smile and they sit next to you on the couch. And there is a time that you are so intrigued and want to get into a big conversation and then there is another part that says seriously, dude do you really have to get that close! That is where I am. I am in awe and I want to know more; I want to understand and am scared and confused at the same time.
I can see with out a doubt that the things I have done these last four years are quite amazing. Things that I never would have imagined, people I never would have imagined in my life. I have stepped out of my comfort zone ALL THE TIME, and it might not seem like a big deal for some but for me and my heart I have done huge things. I still have a long way to go, but even still today, I have things and people in my life that I can not explain, other then being here for me because of God. I am working on finding a new church, I am; really am and its more than difficult. I was so hurt leaving the only church that I had known and so disappointed in the people. I know people are people, and a church is just a building for me its so much more than that. This time around I am so much stronger, BUT I knew safe people there and that made finding that home so much easier. And now me finding a church kind of feels like walking the plank. Kind of funny but more than true. Either I am going to be all in and learn to fly. Or I am going to jump in and get eaten by sharks. That’s how it feels for me finding a new church, a place that I can connect, that I can call home, that I can grow. A place that doesn't mind all my questions, that doesn’t even mind my doubt right here where I am. I believe, I do, but I have a lot of questions some big really big ones and some little ones but still questions none the less.
I have found someone to walk through some more of my past and even in finding him, I can say that didn't happen on its own either. I was on his waiting list for months. He had not even mt me, bt he cared. He didn't have to anwer my emal, he very easily could have walked awayhe di not. He would check in ask how I was, tell me that he had not forgotten about me.Those are the little things that help my heart, that truly matter. The caring just because, and he didn't even know me, it was just who he was. He went above and beyond and then got an intern and that was the person for me. Its not easy, and it hurts a lot but once these last pieces are healed, I can not even imagine the things that I will be able to do with my life. Its a good thing and I am grateful.
So this Mid 2014, there are not many things that I am sure of. I know I have a good guy to help with my heart. I know that my questions need answers , and I know that I won't stop looking until I find a place that is comfortable in answering them even when they are really hard. I want a church home that can tell me we don't know but we will help you look. I know that I have done all that I can on the job front and have to be patient, that I am going to be a great teacher and there is a plan even though I don't have a clue what that is. I am trying to take things one day at a time, hour by hour. Most days are amazing, but there are days this heart of mine wants to crawl in a hole. I am safe, I am protected and I have an amazing roof over my head, with people , my people that I can call family. I think back four years ago and never imagined this is where I would be or this is how I would feel. And I am looking forward to four years from now looking back at this time and thinking wow who ever thought ? I never thought that these things were even an option for me.
So this crazy insane imperfect journey of mine continues......I don't have a clue what’s next, but I am sure that the things ahead of me are even better the ones behind me. My heart will continue to heal and I will understand more. As different as things are now, good things are coming, they have too because I want them more than you can possibly imagine.
I heart your heart. Thank You.
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