I know that I am still terrified of my own father, I hide in the car because I think I see him. So yea you kinda know that things are not finished. Its those moments when its becomes so very clear that he still scares me half to death and we don't even live in the same state. I hate him, and I wish that I didn't. I feel sorry for him and I wish that I didn't. I wish that I had a dad that was different growing up. I wish that I had a dad that was all the things that a dad should be. I am not sure that I long for a dad but I know that I watch dads like crazy exspecially with their girls and I do wonder what that would be like.
Fast forward now to my own children. They don't have a father and when there are no words needed to explain that is such a good thing. When they are small, the simple answers work. Its just the three of us. Mom just dropped two eggs. But it is so much more complicated. As they are getting older those simple answers are not working, I know it, I feel it in my bones. My simple answers are only raising more questions for them. Kids in their class are asking them questions and the answers that they have given don't work anymore either. There are times when the questions loom and you know that its time to make a plan and explain the things that you have been dreading their entire life. Its time for me to really start with my plan , to think of the right words to help them understand.
And most people don't have this problem they have love stories, and dreams of them and other things I am sure I know nothing about. And my story is nothing like that, no love story to share only that from the second I found out that I was pregnant they were the most important thing in the world that I was going to do everything and more to take care of and make sure that they were loved with out any doubt. I wish that I had a different story for them, but I hope they will always feel the love and pure joy that they bring to me. In all that joy there is a sadness, and the only thing to do to heal is go through it.
At the end of school teachers try to fit in that fathers day project and my children always say well I don't have a dad . Some ask questions some leave it alone, others are incredibly unthoughtful. Some teachers are super uncomfortable, some don't care, still some I am not sure even notice. There are the looks, people trying to figure it out. In their entire school career I have had one teacher ask and I told her. Other kids ask questions, tell them that they have to have a dad. That its not possible just to have a mom! As they get older I can see its affecting their little hearts. The simple answers just aren't working anymore. The simple answers, are meaningless they want more. This year it is different, I feel that I am not prepared, yet how can I be prepared. How is it even possible to be ready for the conversation that I am going to have to have with my amazing children that are my world. I love them more than life and I worry about their heart. I have asked them if they wished that they had a dad for Vincent and Mariska it is a firm, yes. All the times before they have always said no not really, but not this year. They wish that they had a dad, they wish and want that; that breaks my heart. They want and need something that I am not sure I can ever give them. For them for me, my heart aches, I don't have the words to make their heart feel better and the words that I do have to explain I hope doesn't damage their pure perfect little spirits.
If I saw someone is cute, or look at someone twice, Vincent is right there with a comment, he is always talking about dating sites for me and getting married. Well some of you might remember that there was a guy Named Bradley, that made me smile that was cute and here is Vincents Fathers Day Project :
It says : Bradley from Wal-Mart. My mom really liked you. You were gone the next day. Vincent
It made me smile and it made me sad. He was just a guy that I thought was cute, A manager at Wal-Mart he was kind. Nothing more. And I think every time that I see someone is cute Vincent sees a father and I am not sure what to do with that. It breaks my heart because as much as I do want a husband some day, I don't know if that is going to happen. And the part about me doesn't even matter, its Vincents little heart. He needs a father figure more than anything. I want to give him the fairy tale but I have nothing. Only me. And I worry that it just isn't enough.
When I had a church home I asked around , for someone to take Vincent under their wing, be a role model for him, be a man, show him what that means but people have their own families. Their own children. I am still looking but looking is so much easier said than done. Someone to care and spend time with a child that is not theirs is a lot to ask. So I will continue to look. I have thought about big brothers but I would rather someone that I can trust, and know given the things that I have been through, I am not big on introducing a stranger. I need to know this person and know that they are safe for my son.
Even Mariska, sweet Mariska. She wants a dad, and that has never been something she wanted before. I can make her feel special but something about a dad. I want that for her, a family that I know does the most amazing thing taking his girls out on dates for their birthdays, how cool is that. Her dad did it for her and now her husband is doing it for their girls. I can't give that to Mariska, I can't give that to Vincent. All the love that I have in the world, all my breath and I can not give them a kind gentle loving father and there is a part of that , that is devastating to me. I can be so much but not a mom and a dad. I can not be everything that they need. And I hope and pray that I can be enough. Because its all I have. Such a dilemma for mothers like me, oh my heart ! There are no right answers !
There is a part of my heart that doesn't want to tell them the truth, that doesn't want them to have to bare that burden. I think wouldn't it be easier for them to think that I was a slut, then tell them the truth ? Wouldn't that be easier ? Place the blame on me and still be grateful that they came into my life? Telling them the truth is terrifying, I worry about their heart, I worry that they will think differently of themselves. I worry that they will hate me. I worry that they will look at me differently, I worry that they will pity me. I do want to tell them the truth, but my heart is scared for them to hear it. I recent;y read in article, and the mom told her daughter, "Something bad happened to me. A very bad man hurt me but God gave me you." And that seems so simple those words don't seem that hard but I can tell you they are more than hard. I worry that my sweet Vincent will think badly of himself, that Mariska will take her life as less than because of what happened to me. I have always said that there is a part of me that is grateful things happened the way that they did because I have Vincent and Mariska and if I had to go thru it all again I would just to have them as my children. So many questions to be answered, so many thoughts to be had....I don't have any answers but the time is coming and as much as I want them to keep that innocent lovely spirit, maybe as the saying goes the truth will set us free...Me , Vincent and Mariska. We are who we are, things have happened ......and I wouldn't change a thing to get to be their mom. And above anything else that is what I want them to understand.
So I don't have a clue what we are going to do this fathers day, we are going to laugh, cook, do something for our little family This fathers day, I will cry for what I didn't have, what I can't give my children . I will be grateful for the kind loving fathers that I have been lucky enough to know and get to see what that relationship between a father and daughter should look like. I will make it a special day for them, my sweet Vincent and Mariska because in it all they are the little hearts that matter, they are the ones that deserve all the best that life has to offer and I just pray all good things for them. I pray for the strength to be truthful and for them to understand.
I Hope You Dance
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