Where's My Happily Ever After ??

So ......I think that my life is about to change, I think that good things are coming but I am not sure what they are or where they are. I am pretty sure that I am scared out of my mind.   There are so many things that I want to say and I hope that I can find just the right words to figure out what is in my heart, my picture of my very own happily ever after. Lately some moments I am so sure that a move is the right thing; that someplace else is where things are going to be better where the memories will fade and I will be better.  Then the next day, I think what am I crazy I have no savings yet, I am not prepared, I have nothing to lean on there, I have no furniture anymore and know absolutely no one ! Some days I see the options so clear other days they are clear as mud and so I cry, because I don't have a clue.

I think my happily ever after is different, its not the fairy tale riding away in a carriage with prince charming its much more than that, it might not be anyone else's fairy tale happy ending in the world but its mine. And I can promise you with my whole heart that I want to find my very own happily ever after and I want it more than you can imagine.  It looks different, its where my heart is happy, where my children know that I love them, its having a classroom with happy little hearts everywhere.  It is having a good guy in my life that makes me feel safe, that is patient, that listens to my heart and loves my children.  In my happily ever after the nightmares will lessen, the flashbacks will subside, and I won't hate myself for all that has happened.

It was when I drove around the colony, that I realized just how much feeling that this place has for me.  Places that I drive by and remember the people and times.  This past year I have made many awesome memories.  Things that I will never forget kindnesses that I can never repay, and for those things I will never be the same.  But if I stay here some of those places will stay alive and have power in my head and really I don't want to do that anymore.  If I stay I can grow some of the amazing relationships that are just blooming. If I stay there are amazing programs that I can get involved with, and help kids; nurture their little hearts because I understand.

If I go, its all new, and I will have to stretch more than I ever have.  I will have to get out meet new people.  I will have to do things that I am not sure are even in me.  Even here, I have stepped out of my box more than I ever have and its been good, I think that I have grown, and its been good for me, am I ready to do that all on my own, I just don't know.  I know that I would for my children but what would be the cost to me.


There is no peace yet about the choices that I am going to have to make in these next few weeks. There is no peace and no real answer as to exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I am going to try to remember to breathe.  I am going to try to think through each and every piece, little by little.  I want to be  sure of each and every one and I am pretty sure that somewhere in this I am going to have to have a little faith. Because in this life there are not many guarantees at all,  But I want this to work more than anything.  I want new pieces of my puzzle and I want to grow and maybe even like the person that I am becoming. I want Happily Ever After.

I have survived hell and back a few times. Things were bad really bad, but I always made it through.  There was always something that kept me going, that kept hope alive in me.  I don't have a clue what it is or what to call it but I have always had it. A hope a dream a knowing that things were not always going to be so rough.  A good friend of mine always said to me, when you hand is right in front of your face, things are so clear and exactly that IN YOUR FACE and you can't see anything else. But as you move your hand away, things fade and other things begin to get clearer. I am sure that he said it much better than I am but you get the point.  Sometimes I work so hard trying to heal the past that I ignore the present. I think maybe here its like my hand in front of my face will that change in a new place or make things worse ?  I don't have a clue, not one single cell in all my body knows.

I have realized that some this summer, is that I forget to live.  I forget to have fun I forget that I don't have to have all the answers that I long for.  Even in the knowing it can't change anything.  All I can do is go forward.  I think I am going to have to learn to acknowledge when those things come up and let that be ok.  But I also need to be ok with telling myself, I am really enjoying myself right now and I will not let my past rob me of the good things to come.  Believe me that is easier aid than done but its said, its written and I am going to try.  So where ever I end up, whatever Job that I have, I am going to make it.  I am going to have a classroom full of happy hearts, Somewhere in some school district.  Vincent and Mariska will continue to grow and become the amazing people that they were meant to be.
 

 

 

I think this kinda says it all.  I want so much and I think sometimes that I don't even know what it is that I want.  Its one of those things I will know when I am there.  And I am not there yet.  SO I keep going.  I am going to take the next few weeks trying to remember to breathe.  I am going to try and enjoy each second, my kids laughing, the birds outside, the Friday night pizza and a movie. Washing dishes , watching the garden, listening to little giggles and pounding feet.  I don't have a clue what is next, not a single clue as to what the right thing to do is.  So I will try and be patient, I will try and have a little faith and I will wait.

I heart your heart.   I am grateful. Thank You Thank You.  So I pray, I cry, and I hope that the right thing will come, and the decision will bring peace.

 Jason Castro : Hallelujah