Trauma Goggles

SO I have realized that I see everything through what I am going to call Trauma Goggles. I think I am realizing a reason for that. When I say everything, I mean ABSOLUTELY everything. From taking a shower in the morning to driving, to every interaction that I have to when I go to bed at night and what I wear to bed to how I raise my children. Things were so bad for sooooo long that I see things very different from you. I see things through hurt, anger, sadness, pain, disbelief, grief, fight, protection, rage. I have joy and I find peace in the little things all the time, but I see those things through my very own trauma goggles. How I generally see the world and life experiences is different. It is just a fact. I feel and see the innocence of the little things and that is something I never want to loose. It makes life more than difficult most of the time but I don’t want to loose it. Sometimes, no most of the time I try more than hard wanting others to understand and see things the way that I do. I realized this week that it’s impossible. It is completely impossible for others to experience life the way that I do, to see things how I see them. I will never forget the place that I came from and how I was affected, and sometimes I want too much for others to completely understand that. There have been times that if I could just let someone see how I view the little things, life would be unbelievably different. I realized when I was talking with Pastor Blake that there is no amount of words that I could speak to get people to see things how I do. I kept saying I prayed at five to die. We would all hold hands and I remember saying : If I should die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take…..My prayer in my head night after night was; Please just take me, don’t let me wake up, I can not do this anymore. That is how terrible those things were so do not tell me that I have to focus and not dwell on the past. I understand that my life is hard to understand and comprehend; it is more than intense; so deep and overwhelming. I even wonder at times how in the world I am still the person that I am. I KNOW this; it has been my life and you have no idea how very sorry that I am. I do know that there have been a few people that have understood and that is where my deepest connections come from. A person that can understand and accept my heart the way it is; is truly a treasure. I am grateful for the amazing people that have stayed in my life, and absolutely have an understanding of me. People always tell me that I am more like others than I think. I try to believe that, I would love to believe that but there are times, more times than not that, I am not alike at all. I think that I am finally coming to a place where I have to be ok sharing and having others not understand. I do not want them to understand, to know that pain but I do want them to be outraged and do something about it. I want the things in my life to make them think and to make them do things differently. People don't have to care for me, and be sorry but I do expect people to do something. DO SOMETHING;  realize the difference that they could make in a life. I want people to make sure that things like this don't happen so others like me don't have to see the world as I do. It is a blessing and a curse these goggles.

　

Realizing this I see just how desperate that I am in this life for people to acknowledge what I have been through in my life. I don't like it but its true. I hold on to what happened to me for deal life, if I let go somehow it will be forgotten. And I cannot forget, I cannot stop making a difference. I don’t want people to forget either. I want them to be so upset, and think what they could do and do things different. I don't want people being careful, and walking on eggshells around me if someone has a question I want them to ask. If there is something, they want to know I want them to ask. I want people to say I am sorry I cannot imagine, Now what can I do! More than anything I want people to ask how they can make a difference, I want them to ask how they can notice. I am tired of the silence, tired of people wanting to sweep things under the carpet. I can not be quiet, and I won't be. Oh I know just how uncomfortable that it is, but its necessary. I am tired of the disbelief of children. I have been hurt by that disbelief more times than I can count and I promise you it’s devastating.

As hard as I have worked on my healing, my heart should not hurt anymore, but it does. There is so much fight to save others, to fight for all the injustices that I have experienced and to keep others from experiencing those same things. I will fight for others and I won't stop. I can not get back all that I have lost but I can save others from loosing what is theirs to keep. I put up a wall talking to Pastor when he said dwelling, because of my very own trauma goggles and that is not what he was saying at all. I wrote him another email, trying to get him to understand, I probably said too much, but I again was desperate for understanding. And I got the calmest most understanding email back and there might not be understanding but there was a peace that he heard me, understood, and hated the things that happened and how I was treated and the freedom in that is something more than amazing, in ways that don’t even have words. Those are the things that matter, that heal a heart.

Maybe that’s all that people like me want, we want to be acknowledged, we want to be heard and understood. In that, we have to know that not everyone can understand, but we must never stop trying to make difference.  We have trauma goggles; we can never take them off and it's in how we see things that we can make a difference. Would I give them up? I think sometimes it would be amazing, to not see the violence, the pain the hate but I see the simplicity of the little things and I would never give that up either. So maybe I am exactly where I am meant to be and it hurts like hell and its more than hard but I will make a difference, and do things differently and I hope and pray that my journey will inspire others to do the same and someday I can rest and take the trauma goggles off, but until that someday they stay and I continue to fight.

And so I keep breathing. I heart your heart.