So yea, man it has been a very strange few weeks. My emotions have been all over the place. I go on interviews get so excited and then nothing. I don't hear a thing. No, offer no thank you but no thanks just silence. I get ignored, don’t get dirrection, but at least I am in the class room right !?! I am grateful to be in the classroom, I love them all, but I want my own class, my own kids. My heart, I don't have a clue, but it is not great. Some days I think yea I am really going to be ok, all is well. Then there are more days lately that I want to curl up in a ball and scream at the world to stop.
JUST STOP......
However, we all know that is so not an option but some days it would be nice if it would. I want to watch all the movies that have a beautiful happy ending after 110 minutes and all is well with the world. I want to watch those movies where people have horrible things happen but in the end, they are all free, content and happy. Yes, those movies where justice is served and hearts are mending and everyone lives happily ever after. I do know it does not happen like that, but at least for a short time, there is hope.
As much as things have hurt lately, I am kind of shut down. We all know that I am a crier! Lately the tears come; I get ticked for crying in the first place and stop. I am sure there is a backlog of tears so when hey do come, pray you are not around! I heard this song and thought YES YES YES. I have to get out there. OK CALLAHAN your heart has been hurt but live! You are still alive still breathing and there is a life to live. KEEP Going. KEEP Going. KEEP Going. I am exhausted, all the fighting, all the strength to keep everything together, I am spent. I don't want to be alone yet I keep myself separate. Don’t ask for help even if I need it. I see me needing anything as a terrible thing, and try to need as little as possible. I have never been a joiner and frankly I probably never will, but I have to get out there even a little. Even the other night someone said something about having a few friends, that sometimes all that is going on is too much for one person to handle but when different people are involved it lessons the burden. My life is heavy and I don’t want to burden ANYONE, and at the same time doing it alone is more than any one person should have to carry.
I have been trying to figure out why these last few weeks have been exceptionally hard and I think it’s because I am safe. Things are coming up that I do not want to look at. The nightmares are insanely awful. The flashbacks yea, those are pretty much my normal close to EVERYDAY. I am in a place where I am wanted. I am in a place where I don't know what is next but at the same time, I feel as if I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have not had safe like this in a very long time, it’s been years and I have it now. There are no grades to worry about, no papers to write. I have graduated, Ha me I have a degree. I cannot put to words why I do not have a job yet, but I know that I am doing absolutely everything that I can. I have been going going going for years ....trying to make everything ok, trying to keep all the pieces together. Trying to remember to breath and maybe its time I unravel a little. I need to take time to breathe and stop fighting.
STOP. JUST STOP FIGHTING.
I have had to fight my entire life, maybe its time to breathe. People can't understand my life, but at least some people are trying and that matters so much. I have to let things happen, I didn't say stop trying, I didn't say give up but just let things happen, remember to breathe and be ok if things unravel a little. You do not have to have it all figured out. Maybe in the unraveling things will become clear. The way that I have done things for years doesn't work anymore. I am in a different place, I am a different person. Not to get a big head but I am stronger than I have been in a long time. I am still different, crazy, weird, odd just pick your word; I fit them all. I am still hard to understand, I am quiet, I am sincere I am genuine, and I am ME. I have always been me.
So Callahan its time to breathe, take it all in and know you don't have to fight anymore, let things come, let people help you; let them help heal your heart. We have a ways to go but don't forget how far you have come either. Rest in the fact, that on those days you didn't think you would make it you did. You always did. You have two amazing kids that you love more than life. They are growing up, they are going to understand and they are going to love you anyway.
So tell your heart to beat again. It is ok.
Danny Gokey : Tell my heart to Beat again
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