When I get to Heaven

So a few weeks ago I was asked what I thought God would say to me when I got to heaven. I was caught more than a little off guard, I didn't have a clue. My first thought was that I would fall to the ground and I would cry and cry and cry. My next thought was well is my father going to be there ? If he is there I am out! The people who have hurt me to my very soul, will they be there ? because in all honesty if they are all going to be there forget it. Forget it no thank you. Heaven is supposed to be a safe place, a place where all the things that were wrong here on earth, don't hurt anymore. Heaven is the safest of the safest places. My heart would not be safe with those men in Heaven. I just have not been able to get this thought out of my head. What would God say to me when I get to heaven. I have asked a few people and their responses made me cry, they were so real so heartfelt and I think that I feel there is a part of me, or ok maybe all of me that doesn't deserve that kindness, that can not imagine that kind of unconditional love. I have not been totally accepting and I have more than enough doubt to go around. I have this crazy relationship with God, I see him I believe in him. But he is way over there and I am way over here. Its kind of like we are sitting on the same couch, but are miles apart. That is exactly how I picture it in my head.

You know the scene, you walk into an office and scope out the seats, who looks the least scary, and then you see it, the couch that no one else is sitting on. So you sit down and check out your surroundings. The door opens in walks that "person" there will always be that person that with all the other seats In the room they of coarse sit next to you on the couch that has now shrunk at least 10 times the size that it was before. And you start to sweat and you smile and try not to be totally annoyed, as you look around at ALL THE EMPTY SEATS and yet ….the choice is made and this person sits next to you. And the thought totally crosses my mind to move to the other side of the room for a little more personal space but of coarse, I don't want to seem rude. So I uncomfortably sit and wait. You acknowledge that he is there, you see them believe they are there but you don't really want to be their best friend or anything. Well that right there is God and I sitting on the same couch. I feel as though there are times, he ever so gently nudges me and I acknowledge him, I see him but I am sure not going to scoot over and have a conversation. I feel like he is there waiting for me and I just am not ready to scoot over. I am not ready to hear, I have always been there, I am not ready to express the anger that is inside, thanks for showing up where were you those first 30 something years!!!!  I am not ready to share my heart and trust that it will be cared for .

So yesterday while I was writing an Email it came to me clear as crystal, what I want to hear : I am so very sorry Sherri, things were so hard, so very sorry but I am here and you are safe and sound now. You will never be hurt again. Let's go meet Bella.

That is what I want to hear that he is sorry for all the things that have happened, but that I am finally safe and can't be hurt ever again. That is it, that is it completely.

And I think sometimes that is what I am waiting for. I can't get closer on the couch just yet, because I just can't have my heart broken again or anymore and until someone can make that promise I will be guarded. There are times I feel myself getting closer but I am scared to death. I have given my whole heart and it was not cared for, not remembered, not seen. Its going to take time to get there again.  I am taking the right steps, I am just vey very careful.

So I do know the things that I want to hear, I know that I have a long way to go before we will be friends on the couch and not strangers. I am working on it, harder than you can imagine, but just like all things they take time with me and I am really truly trying.

I heart your heart.